Adding More to the List

Like I said earlier, I have a list of things that I have avoided my whole life.  For example, I have set up my life (my identity, it wasn’t a conscious thing) so that I don’t get:

• criticized
• anyone upset
• disappointed
• anything wrong
• break someone’s rules
• not look like a good girl
• etc.

This leads to a very careful life where I feel like I am living under a clam shell, protecting myself from hurt, and not living a very full life.  I say I want a great relationship, but I’m basically hiding at home so I don’t get hurt again.

And, I always say I want to “inspire people to live their dreams.”  Well, whenever I try to do something about that, something will happen and I will stop and go back into my safe place.  It could be someone saying:

• you can’t do that
• or not knowing how
• my effort don’t turn out like I want them to
• etc.

So, in order to shake things up and actually have the life I want to have, I am trying to “upgrade” my safety mechanisms by causing the things I am afraid of to happen.  The list so far is:

• get people upset
• make messes
• get disappointed
• make everything right
• get criticized

And I have added a new one:

• talk until people tell me to stop

The reason why I added this one is because I hate when people insinuate I am talking to much or they interrupt me or it feels like they are not listening to me.  It makes me feel like a bad little girl that no one cares about and I am just stupid and should disappear.  I have been known to hang up on people with a quick “goodbye” and click when one of those things happen.  Rude, but true.

Or I just disappear and leave wherever I am and don’t even say goodbye.  It’s quite the incident for me and not very mature.  It’s like an automatic reaction – I’m outa here.

By taking this on, I have been able to shorten the amount of time after being disappointed from days, weeks and years to about twenty minutes.  It’s really amazing.  I simply allow myself to really feel the disappointment, cry if I need to, tell someone if I need to, and it actually disappears within the half hour.

So now I am going to talk until I’m done, ignoring my thoughts that I am taking too much time and instead assume it is my human right to do so.

It’s an experiment and I don’t know if it will work, but I’m game.  All in the name of FREEDOM!!!!!  Let’s see if it work or if I will forget I even said it!!!!!

Have a great day!!!!

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