I haven’t written for a while. I forgot about this blog, actually. How weird is that?
And I forgot how helpful it is to me when my mind is messed up. It helps me to sort it out and make an action plan. And I am messed up now, so let’s see what I can do……
It’s 2018 and I have new goals and all that. My kids are great (knock on wood although my son has the flu right now), but they are awesome.
I am finally back in my beach cottage. The pipes were frozen and the refrigerator broke and except for the kitchen sink, all is back to working and it is inhabitable. I forgot how much I love to sit here and write and look at the water. It is calming for my soul. I get to stop worrying about keeping everyone else happy and focus on myself. It sounds selfish, but it is true.
I am not happy with my weight, but for the past few months I have focused on LOSING weight. My acupuncturist told me in his chinese accent to “eat veggies so you lose weight.” Since then what has happened? I have gained. I should know that that doesn’t work for me. What works is focusing on what I am eating and doing what makes me feel better.
So, why did I make this mistake again? I was doing well until I changed my thinking and started invalidating my stomach and growing flab rolls instead of how great I feel when I eat better. OK, learning that lesson again!!!! Many many times but oh well.
Perky!!! I’ve given up thinking I will be perky 100% of the time like my mother would like (at least I think that’s what she would like!!). Sometimes I am not. Sometimes I want to be alone and just be quiet and think. Sometimes I am in a downright bad and horrible mood. I have REALLY decided to accept myself as is. (I’ve said I would quite a few times but never really did).
For the first time I am ACTUALLY going to accept myself. Maybe THAT Is what can inspire people instead of making myself wrong for not being how I think my mother wants me to be. How the f—k old am I anyway that I am still trying to please my mother? Jeez Louise!!!!
SOMETHING BIG!!! I am making myself wrong for not playing bigger. So, I am writing which is what I love to do. The truth is I don’t know how to do something big. So I stop writing and just invalidate myself instead which sucks.
TIMEOUT: There’s a bird on my deck and it’s 17 degrees outside. Did he forget to go south? What’s up with that?
OK – I’m back. I have to get ready soon so more later. I forgot how great it feels to write. Glad I remembered. I don’t know if this is useful for anyone else, but it is to me. I can’t worry about others right now.
My new me – instead of trying to get things right and try to keep people happy and avoid getting criticized, I have taken on the following:
- make messes
- get people upset
- get disappointed
- make myself right
It’s much more freeing. I just keep forgetting that I said I would do it.
So, therefore, I will take care of myself today. I have so much more to write but need to get in the shower so I can get on my webinar. I want to look “gorgeous” again. (Someone told me I looked gorgeous yesterday (can you believe it?) on the webinar). Whoopee!!! That was really nice since I thought I looked like crap – I stared at my wrinkles all day.
OK – gotta go for real.
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