Sorting my mind

I haven’t written for a while.  I forgot about this blog, actually.  How weird is that?

And I forgot how helpful it is to me when my mind is messed up.  It helps me to sort it out and make an action plan.  And I am messed up now, so let’s see what I can do……

It’s 2018 and I have new goals and all that.  My kids are great (knock on wood although my son has the flu right now), but they are awesome.

I am finally back in my beach cottage.  The pipes were frozen and the refrigerator broke and except for the kitchen sink, all is back to working and it is inhabitable.  I forgot how much I love to sit here and write and look at the water.  It is calming for my soul.  I get to stop worrying about keeping everyone else happy and focus on myself.  It sounds selfish, but it is true.

I am not happy with my weight, but for the past few months I have focused on LOSING weight.  My acupuncturist told me in his chinese accent to “eat veggies so you lose weight.”  Since then what has happened?  I have gained.  I should know that that doesn’t work for me.  What works is focusing on what I am eating and doing what makes me feel better.

So, why did I make this mistake again? I was doing well until I changed my thinking and started invalidating my stomach and growing flab rolls instead of how great I feel when I eat better.  OK, learning that lesson again!!!!  Many many times but oh well.

Perky!!!  I’ve given up thinking I will be perky 100% of the time like my mother would like (at least I think that’s what she would like!!).  Sometimes I am not.  Sometimes I want to be alone and just be quiet and think.  Sometimes I am in a downright bad and horrible mood.  I have REALLY decided to accept myself as is.  (I’ve said I would quite a few times but never really did).

For the first time I am ACTUALLY going to accept myself.  Maybe THAT Is what can inspire people instead of making myself wrong for not being how I think my mother wants me to be.  How the f—k old am I anyway that I am still trying to please my mother?  Jeez Louise!!!!

SOMETHING BIG!!!  I am making myself wrong for not playing bigger.  So, I am writing which is what I love to do.  The truth is I don’t know how to do something big.  So I stop writing and just invalidate myself instead which sucks.

TIMEOUT:  There’s a bird on my deck and it’s 17 degrees outside.  Did he forget to go south?  What’s up with that?

OK – I’m back.  I have to get ready soon so more later.  I forgot how great it feels to write.  Glad I remembered.  I don’t know if this is useful for anyone else, but it is to me.  I can’t worry about others right now.

My new me – instead of trying to get things right and try to keep people happy and avoid getting criticized, I have taken on the following:

• make messes
• get people upset
• get disappointed
• make myself right

It’s much more freeing.  I just keep forgetting that I said I would do it.

So, therefore, I will take care of myself today.  I have so much more to write but need to get in the shower so I can get on my webinar.  I want to look “gorgeous” again.  (Someone told me I looked gorgeous yesterday (can you believe it?) on the webinar).  Whoopee!!!  That was really nice since I thought I looked like crap – I stared at my wrinkles all day.

OK – gotta go for real.