People Pleasing

Do you know anyone who always wants everyone to be happy?  Who can’t stick up for themself to save their life?  Who doesn’t want anyone upset?  Who gets walked all over and doesn’t say a word?  Who gets insulted and criticized and just pretends everything is fine?  Who goes out with people who treats them like dirt and all they want is more of it!!!

I do.  The person is me.  Yup me.  Sad, but true.

I figured out why I am like that.   But it doesn’t help to know why.

(OK, I’ll tell you since you want to know.  Here’s the story):

When I was young, a very close family member got really mad at one of my siblings and I literally thought that person was going to kill my sibling.  In that moment, life became unsafe.  And I decided that I better not get anyone mad.  Or I could die.

So it’s really hard for me to speak up when I don’t like something.  Or to argue.  Or to be in the middle of two angry people where I can’t please both.  Or to make sure I am being treated with respect.   So I don’t do it.  And the consequences have not given me the life I say I want.

In the past year I decided that I would start to speak up.  And I have.  And it doesn’t always go well.  Just this week, two people responded with:   “well, I guess I can’t say anything to you.  You are just too sensitive.”

My whole life I thought I was.  That it was my fault that I was upset.  So it’s interesting that they are telling me this.  I can see that it’s another opportunity to do something different other than blame myself.

I could say “stop being mean” or “stop being an ass hole.”  I’m just not there yet.  But I’m really close.  At least I said something.

And there’s at least one other girl who is really nasty to me.  And I haven’t said anything to her because I want her to like me.  And then there’s another family member who is always making negative comments about me and my kids  And I don’t know what to say to her either.

But I’m getting better.  Just not proficient yet.  And I’m making messes and getting people upset.  And that’s a good thing.

Even though it doesn’t really feel so great right now.