In The Vortex!!!!

21 May

I had an interesting weekend.  My daughter, Haley, came home for a visit and she was literally on fire with her life.  She is doing amazing at her college internship, has a really great group of friends, and she is just very happy and pleased with herself.  Her excitement is palatable.

A couple of months ago she had shared a YouTube video with me.  It was of Esther Hicks discussing the Law of Attraction, putting out the vibrations of what you want,  and being in the “Vortex.”

I had listened to it on the way to work a few times.  It was very interesting, but I didn’t know if I had actually internalized her message yet.

Saturday night, I was sitting across from Haley at dinner after my son’s college graduation.

“I love this meal.  This is everything I love most in the world,”  Haley said, taking a bite of calamari.   “I love the shrimp and the scallops and all of it.”  She was practically bouncing in her seat.  “Everything is going my way.  I love my life.  Everything I want is happening.”

I just stared at her.  It was hard not to think she seemed a little crazy or on drugs.

“Really?”  I asked.

“Yes,  I am so happy.”

I kept looking at her.  This was not the same girl that called me crying everyday her first semester at college when she had no friends and nothing she was interested in.   She was unrecognizable from her former self.

“Haley, I think you really are in the vortex,”  I said, smiling.

“I am,” she agreed.

I said it several times throughout our meal as she kept talking about her life.

“Mom, it sounds like you are making fun of me,” Haley said, after the fourth time.

Was I?  I thought.  I didn’t mean to.  And I denied it of course.

But, when I was really honest with myself, I guess maybe I did have an edge to my comments.  She did sound a little crazy.  My normally negative self was having a difficult time listening to all this happiness.  As bad as that sounds, it was true.

So I started looking at that.  Why wasn’t I genuinely happy for her?  She was my precious daughter.  Of course I wanted her to be happy and on fire.  Didn’t I?

The problem was that I was listening to my internal dialogue.  My brain was telling me I was not looking good, eating the wrong stuff, would never have a real relationship, and I could pretend to be in the vortex all I want, but I knew the real cynical truth.  Wasn’t Haley just kidding herself?  I wondered.  This had to have an unfortunate end.

The next day I admitted my negativity to Haley.  It got me out of my internal dialogue and into an external one.  (See my last post).

“I just feel so unattractive,”  I told her.  “Old, beat up face and body, and like I’ll never really meet someone.  I’m happy for you, but I’m still having a tough time and feeling negative.”

“Mom, you look so cute.  Your hair looks great and you’re in great shape.”  Haley said.  “You can attract someone great.  Just stay in the vortex.  You are in it.”

Ugh.  I thought. I don’t feel like I’m in the vortex.  But, again, it’s just my negative mind trying to protect me from getting disappointed.

What’s wrong with getting disappointed?  I thought.  I’ve survived it before.  I won’t die.  Why not go for the life I REALLY Want.

“OK, ”  I said, after struggling with my thoughts.  “I’m in.  I’m going for it.  Why listen to my negative thinking?”I grabbed her for a big hug.  I sniffed and tried not to let the tears come out.

“Thanks,”  I said, trying to talk over the lump in my throat.  “I am so proud of you.  You are my inspiration.”

“And you are my hero,”  she said.

And then the tears broke loose.  I am my daughter’s hero?  How can it get better then that?  I guess I REALLY am in the vortex!!!!!  How very cool!!!!

 

 

 

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