Just Sad – 2 things I see

10 Jul

I have been in a funk.  I started writing about it last time.  And, it’s continued.  I figured out two things today though, so I’m think I’m on the road back to ALIVENESS.

  1.  It makes it worse when I think I can’t talk to anyone.  Getting back into communication helps me out of the funk faster.  Then why don’t I do that faster I’ve asked myself?  Good question.
    1. When I’m in a funk it seems that no one cares, I’m just crazy, I shouldn’t be the way I am, so who am I going to actually talk to anyway and who would actually want to listen to this?  I certainly don’t so why would they!!!
    2. I like to pretend I’m fine.  I make jokes putting myself down, etc.  What’s there to talk about?  “It’s all good.”  I just walk around in a fog, stay by myself, and get to sleep as early as I can.
  2.  It’s only when I can get present do I realize that I am really just sad.
    1. Sad that my daughter is across the world and every time I talk to her (facetime) I’m either trying to sleep or she’s trying to sleep.  It just doesn’t work yet and that makes me feel terrible.
    2. My dad’s birthday was Friday and he is no longer here.  It used to be a big party every year and it just doesn’t seem right without him year.  Where’d you go, Dad?  I miss you!!!!
    3. My son is away now, then coming back and then going away from September to May.  For real life.  How did that happen?
    4. I am at my mom’s right now.  My ex husband is living there too.  I feel like I’ve done something terrible to him.  He’s like a little boy and keeps looking at me like I should be changing my mind and coming back.  And I’m not going to.  And I feel bad about that.
    5. And my mind says, these are not tragedies, you have no right to be sad.  Other people have it way worse.  And so (my favorite), I feel bad for feeling bad.  The vicious cycle.
    6.  I can just be sad.  Whatever I’m feeling is fine.  I don’t need to compare myself to others (see 5) above.  That does no good.

On a more regular person note.  I’m at work.  I’m wearing flip flops because I couldn’t find my shoes in the morass of my car.  Yesterday I got a car wash (finally) and had to try to throw all my stuff in the way back.  I had to still carry 3 bags with me while it was being washed cause they wouldn’t fit.  (The guy told me to go home and empty out my car and then come back and I said no.  When you’re in sales, you live out of your car.   I might need something.   Plus I’m between homes so there’s even more stuff.)

The other thing was that I put my coffee in the cup holder this morning.  When I picked it up it was leaking all over my dress.  Luckily it is a black dress.  The culprit:  an earring in the cup holder pierced the cup.  So, my dress is soaking wet.

I will read through this once to edit and then I need to get my shoes before my boss sees my flip flops.   I’m feeling better but not going to read through this again.  ADIOS!!!!

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