5-21-22
I have been trying to get my 5-18-12 post to have a title and can’t figure out what I am doing wrong. Very frustrating. I can see it, but it doesn’t appear when published. OK, I give up for now.
I am in the office and should get out to go help Jack with an enrollment, BUT, I feel the need to add a post. I often think of things to write, but since I am not near a computer at the time, or people are around so I can’t write freely, these things don’t get written. By the time I am near a computer, I have thought of 12 other things to write about. I guess I just have to assume that when I am supposed to write about will get written, and not worry about the rest. Otherwise I will spend more time worrying than writing.
Things change on a daily or hourly basis. Last week I was leaving the marriage (at least in my mind), . This weekend I was DEFINATELY staying. Now, since I hate Jack again, I am leaving again, but, let’s backtrack for a second. I was staying this weekend for the following reasons:
– I like being around the kids full time – I don’t want to miss these last few years of them being at home.
– I like having someone around to help with driving, garbage, emptying the dishwasher, and assorted other house tasks
– The only financially available plan for moving out would be to sell the house, and the house is one of the things that makes me happy. Not the house per se, but the view from the house and the deck. We have unobstructed views of the water and it makes me happy to sit on my deck and feel the feeling of all that beauty and space. I don’t want to lose that.
So, for now, it makes sense to stay physically at the house. I don’t like my marriage in terms of there really isn’t one. He puts me down, doesn’t listen to me, doesn’t support me with the kids, and doesn’t seem to think highly of me when we speak. Plus, given his financial philosphy and spending, it’s not likely I will ever get to take a vacation, be able to retire, or go to a store feeling like there is actually money in the bank.
Once I can support myself financially, I think I will have more options. Part of the problem is that we are in business together, and I rely on him to do his piece of the business. This causes a dependency that would make it hard to break away.
When I think of my future with Jack and the lack of passion, love, sex, money, and basically anything to look forward to, I sometimes fantasize about a different kind of future (of course with the crush of the month).
Last night, in order to go to sleep, I created a fantasy with my current crush – He said: ” I love everything about you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I will wait and we will make this happen.” (Of course, last night in the fantasy he named all sorts of wonderful things about me that he loves, but I will spare you the details – I don’t want to make you puke and more than you already are). I relaxed and went right to sleep. I guess fantasies are a sleep aid!!!
Why do I have to fantasize? Because otherwise, I will have to think about my REAL LIFE and the lack of future – financial stress, lack of love, sex, companionship, fun……..to name a few. Since I am a worrier, this really creates a stressful situation where my body hurts and the only way to escape is to get sick. Fantasies are much healthier I think, but that’s just me talking………..
What happened to Abundance, Ease and Joy in my real life? Oh, I forgot. Maybe I need to add another word so I don’t NEED to fantasize……..What a concept? How about love and passion and empowerment and fun and having something good to look forward to?
Good idea. I will work on it. I better get to work. This has been helpful so thanks for listening.
tiredoffeelingbad 
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