Aside

She Snapped Me Out of My Funk and For That I am GRATEFUL

21 May

5-18-12  She Snapped Me Out of My Funk and For That I am GRATEFUL

Well, I fired the therapist today.  I will copy the letter I wrote to her so I don’t have to re-explain why.  Here it is:

I have decided to cancel next week’s appointment and all future appointments.
 
I appreciate what you have done for me.  You were very helpful and yesterday snapped me out of my funk.  I feel great and I am excited.  Since that was why I went to you,  in my  mind, we were both successful.
 
I just realized that I do not want to be medicated and I am not someone who needs to be medicated.   I merely had an issue that I wanted to work on.  The way you were talking to me made me realize that I have enrolled you in something that I don’t want to be anymore.  A confused, pathetic, anxious, confused, pathetic (repeated for a purpous) medication-needing person. 
 
It made me realize that I am done being that person or feeling like that person.  People Pleasing Pamela is done.  Powerful Peggy is here. 
 
It was just the right kick in the butt that I needed, even though I think it was accidental.
 
I don’t want to be that person anymore.  Today I feel great and I am excited about the future however it turns out, it will be the way it is supposed to be and I don’t need to know the answer right now. 
 
End of letter.
 
I feel free.  I feel like I am back.  I realize that I was trapped in a bad place.  I had no energy,  and had become a confused victim, questioning everything and making everything into a big deal.   It caused the following:
– I was not speaking up for myself.
–  My confidence was gone
– I doubted everything I did
– I doubted my ability to do anything
– If someone spoke rudely or harshly I felt I deserved it and blamed myself
– If someone said something I disagreed with, I would not argue
 
When I went to the therapist, I can see that I was upset, talking about things that upset me, and seemingly tortured about whether to stay in my marriage or not.   I can see that I didn’t present a “strong image”, but I wasn’t trying to.  I was trying to get “unfunked.”
 
 In retrospect, when I went to the therapist the first day, she made a comment that didn’t sit well with me, but, of course,  I didn’t say anything.    The second meeting was the same – a couple of comments that didn’t work.   When I went the third time, the medication comment was the last straw.    I realized that the kind doctor was talking to me like I was a naughty child who needed to be reprimanded:   “don’t say this word,”  “don’t say this”, “how much do you drink?” etc., I realized I just didn’t like her and didn’t want someone “in my bizness” and telling me what to do or say.  Rather than being empowered, validated, and supported, I was being questioned, ordered, and insulted.  I don’t have to pay for that.  I wouldn’t even want that for free, quite frankly.  I decided not to continue. 
 
Don’t get me wrong – IT WAS WORTHWHILE AND VERY VALUABLE.  Why, you ask, if she was talking to you that way?
 
Because as I said in my letter, when I realized who she was talking to – a pathetic, anxious, problem person – it was like a light bulb going off!!   If that’s who I’ve been acting like, I AM DONE.  I no longer want to be that person.  I AM DONE!!!!!
 
Yes, I have different moods.  Yes, I was upset about certain things.  Yes, I am trying to decide whether to stay in my marriage, BUT, ….I am ok.  I am a strong, intellingent, fairly attractive, fun, accomplished, talented, athletic woman.  I am healthy.  I DON’T NEED MEDICATION.  I am ok having feelings and emotions.  They are a PART OF LIFE.  If she was looking at me like I was “troubled,” and needed to be “HAPPY”?    I didn’t want to be that person.  I don’t want to be that person.  I don’t want to be listened to like that person.
 
“Don’t tell me I have to be happy, lady”   (Said in a gay Spanish accent with my finger waving – guy from Legally Blond – “Don’t stamp your last year’s Prada’s at me, honey).   I will be happy when I want to be happy.  Part of my anger is “don’t tell me how to be.”  That is one of my issues.  I was told as a child “not to be upset.”  I was upset sometimes and told not to be.  So when I was upset (anyway)  I thought there was something REALLY wrong with me and didn’t tell anyone.  Who was I going to tell?  My parents?  They would just say “don’t be upset.” 
 
So, to make myself feel better, I would eat or do something else to distract myself.    Now that I can allow myself to feel my feelings –  sadness, anger, frustration, etc., – it is a great thing and I rejoice that I can do it and BE OK WITH IT.  I can feel what I feel without having to medicate myself with food or alcohol or men or sex or sunburning myself………It’s great. 
 
Now, SHE’S  talking about medicating me with drugs so I don’t HAVE  to feel?  I am sorry I am on a soapbox, but…….THAT IS GOING BACKWARDS FOR ME.
 
I can deal with my real emotions.  They may hurt or be painful, but they are real.  If I am medicated and have emotions, I don’t even know what they are.  That thought pushes a naturally paranoid or sensitive person (me) over the edge.  Then I don’t know what’s real vs what’s medication. 
 
In closing, I want to talk to someone who validates me and my feelings.  I want to feel ok.  That is VERY important to me.  Also, someone who lifts me up towards greatness, not down towards “yes, you do have problems.”    Patty already tells me there is something REALLY wrong with me and I don’t need to encourage her.
 
“That being said,” I will work out my marriage issue another way.     I will move on and Communicate.  The one thing she did help with was when a friend of mine, code name, DH for Dick Head, was nasty.  I was blaming myself for “bothering” him, but the doctor said that “he was rude.” 
 
 WOW!!!  I thought.  It actually wasn’t my fault.  Think of all the times I have blamed myself when people were just darn rude.  That was an aha moment for me in a big way.    I could actually say something like “what’s your problem?” instead of sulking away like an embarassed, hurt two year old.
 
In the end, it was all perfect.  She got me mad enough to snap out of the funk and that was the whole point of the therapy.  I wanted to know what was wrong with me and I figured it out.  NOTHING – ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  So, in the end, thank you to her.  I am BACK!!!!!!!  That is a wonderful, priceless gift.
 
Thanks for listening.
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