Tanking – Going from Fine to Not so Fine – I am JUST HUMAN and that’s ok

22 May

5-22-12

I actually felt better after writing yesterday’s blog.  I didn’t bring it up with Jack and I just let it go.  I am sort of worried that no one will ever read this, and if they do, that they will think that it sucks, but I am letting the worries go.  It helps me, so that is value to me. 

Obviously, I get frustrated, angry, annoyed, sad, mad, ambivalent,……. and writing this journal/blog helps me vent and move on.  If it helps me, I just have to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks.  That is my hang up in life.  Worrying!!  Especially about what people think or if they are upset with me.  Takes a lot of time up in my head.  So, I will hope that this blog will help at least one person, then I am happy.  AND, if that person is me, so be it.

Moving on, now that we are over that obsession.  Today I had a great time at the gym.  One of my new friends was telling me that he is eligible to receive 75% of his salary since he has worked for 30 years.  I thought about it for a while and came up with a very creative new career for him.  I will give you a hint, well,maybe I won’t, it would give away who this guy is.  Let’s just say he was going to provide a service for women that would fulfill a fantasy for them.  It was a lot of fun.

I am adding to my happy list – I love to use my imagination and create.  In this case it was a new career.  It was fun. 

Here I am at a client and this man is talking to me and I am not really listening.  He is a part time worker and says he makes very little money.  I am telling him that if I don’t sell anything, I make $0.  That is less than a low rate. 

Help me, God, I don’t know what he is talking about.  It’s a good thing he can’t see what I am writing.  He would be insulted.   I am standing here wasting my time and starting to get frustrated.   He is trying to get me to talk to people, but they are all set.  OK, just talked to one guy who is suffering from something awful for the past two years and he is surprised he is still here.  OK, whatever.

When I have emotions, I have them, and then they are gone.  If I feel frustrated, it is a physical sensation which is uncomfortable.  If I am angry, it is physical.  Then it passes.  My life is fine.  I just feel things.  It doesn’t mean I need medication or that something is wrong.  I am just human. 

Well,  I don’t know if I had a constant thought in this blog but I don’t know how to save and redo so I will publish for now.  Time to get the hell out of here.  What a waste of time.  Adios.

Thanks for listening.

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