What Am I Really Committed To? Good Question

22 May

5-22-12 Part B

Later – I am at the library charging my cell phone and waiting to pick up Sybil from her cheerleading tryouts.  I kind of blew it.  I gave her a 2009 medical form and she couldn’t participate for the first half hour.  She was almost in tears, but wasn’t.  She could have been watching and learning, but I think she was too upset.  This is her dream and she has waited her whole life for today and I blew it.

The good news is that I had the updated form with me.  I picked it up today because I had an extra few minutes.  Thankfully she only missed a half hour instead of the whole thing.  Let’s hope it blows over by the time I pick her up in 20 minutes.

I am feeling better after my last blog.  It’s amazing how it helps.  I was thinking about what I am committed to in my life.  When I was messed up 20 years ago, I was a confused victim as well and struggling in my relationships.  I was in a bad one – he was married, he lied about it, but I couldn’t let him go.  I did the Landmark Forum and it got me very clear on what I was committed to so that the issue of whether or not to stay with him was resolved very clearly.  I was committed to having a fulfilling relationship with some one available.  I don’t think I could say marriage yet.

So, what am I committed to now?  I am committed to my children and to empowering them to have great lives.  As far as I am concerned, I would like to have an extraordinary life, but am I committed to it?  Honestly, I just feel tired.  It could be from waking up at 4:30 AM to work out, but I don’t know what it would take.  I am honestly not loving AFLAC even though it supposedly has potential to make a lot of money.  It just doesn’t excite me that much.  It is kind of exhausting.

So, am I committed to do something else?  Not sure I have it in me, honestly.  I am writing this blog and I am loving this because I get to express myself.  I enjoy making people smile and laugh, being creative in terms of making up things, writing poems to acknowledge people, coaching people to achieve beyond what they normally would, working out, music, reading.

What else could I do?  I don’t know right now.  I would like to have passion in my life for something.  What makes me happy is to think that I have it with someone.  That someone truly loves and desires me.  Not in reality, but in my mind.  Reality kind of sucks right now, but I see that I can be happy with just the fantasy.  Today I talked to FB and even though in reality I don’t think he has any interest, it was enough to fuel the fantasy that he truly loves me.  Sounds like a romance novel and maybe I would actually like to be living in one.  I guess that’s why I read.  I can live in their lives for a little while.

The good news is that I have fantasized about 3 guys.  So, I can move on to the next, relatively easily.  Not without some pain of loss (for the fantasy), but it is possible to move on.  I would not have thought that based on the intensity of my first one.  I REALLY thought that we were “meant to be” and that his dead father was communicating with me.  Yes, it sounds crazy, BUT, at the time I was that far gone.  It amazes me today to think about how obsessed I was.  It was only at the gym that I saw him, never talked on the phone or saw him outside, and nothing ever happened between us, BUT IN MIND I was out of control.  REALLY out of control.

The fact that I moved on when I thought he was interested in someone else, is truly a miracle to me.  This new crush is nothing like that one, thank God. 

As I have said, these crushes/fantasies help me to live a happier life without thinking about the bills that I can’t pay, the lack of relationship with my husband, the frustrations of dealing with a 13 year old girl, and the lack of fulfillment at work.

This blog is exciting to me and I don’t know why.  I guess because it is sort of public even though no one has found it.  It’s like living on the edge in some way because anyone would no my real thoughts.  Scary, but exciting.

Gotta go get Sybil.  I hope she forget my faux pas. 

Thanks for listening.  What should I name this? 

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