You Are Not Alone – I love it!!!!!!

5-24-12

I have so much to say and I should be getting to work, but I am just going to let my fingers do the talking and not worry about what comes out.

I went back to the gym this morning because I didn’t want to stay home.  (I had been at 5:15 AM and then, took Sybil to the bus and went back.  I had tried to talk to Jack about something and we ended up fighting and I just didn’t want to deal with him.

Plus, after yesterday’s “dumb move”, Patty was doing a number on my head.  I tried to “get quiet” my first gym session and listen to Patty talk to my sub-conscious.  “You do dumb things, you are a jerk, no wonder people pick on you, you set yourself up,” and the finale, “no one could ever REALLY love you.” 

It just makes me sad.  Why on earth would I be telling myself that at any level?  For what purpose?  Why would Patty do that?  I realized I needed to figure it out so I went back to the gym for some peace and quiet.  I had already been, AND, I promised my mother that I would take it easy since I had my “procedure” yesterday, so I sort of did.  She didn’t want me to go at all this morning, but I couldn’t promise that.

AND, FB wasn’t there during the early session, so I sort of went back to see if he would be there later.  First I didn’t see him, which was fine.  I saw Al, I’ll call him, and he said, aren’t you here late?  Yes, I said, I was also here before.  I didn’t want to go home and fight, so I came back for some peace. 

“Oh”, he said, “this has been going on for a while.  We have to do something about this.”  Well, I thought, why did I just do that?  I am Happy Heloise here.  Oh well. 

I went and did some weights.  I talked to Brad, I will call him.  Still going out with the girl?  Nope.  She wanted a commitment and I didn’t want her moving in.  She was going through a divorce.  I was straight with her, but she couldn’t deal with it. 

I thought, she probably needed a place to live.  Go from the husband to a new guy’s place.  Simple and easy.  Replace one with another.  I have definately thought about that.  No wonder she was looking sad and ignoring me when I saw her.  I can relate to that.  If you move from one guy to another, you never have to deal with yourself.  It is much easier that way.  I have been thinking about that myself.  Neediness.  It isn’t a good feeling, but it is less painful than dealing with your own stuff.

Next, I was minding my own business when another friend drops by next to where I was stretching.  (This was who I was looking for, but didn’t think he was there.).  First he told me I looked good in my shirt.  I was wearing a short sleeved shirt instead of my usual tank tops.  Note taken.

Then, when he dropped by, he started telling me about how he was a junky.  He was four years straight, but had been totally addicted to prescription drugs and was a mess for four years.  He goes to AA meetings at least 3 or 4 times a week, and struggles on a daily basis.  He said he doesn’t tell people this, so to keep it quiet, so I am a little worried about typing this, but since I am anonymous and so is he, I am doing it anyway.

He was really sharing his story and his struggles, and how, when it got tough, he called his sponsor for help.  Some people don’t call them, but he just dials the number instead of fighting temptation.  I got teary eyed and he said, don’t be sad. 

I said, I’m not sad, but I think it is great that there is someone like that to call.  Someone who is there for you no matter what.  Someone who understands.  Someone who’s been there.  “You are not alone.”

That’s why the program works, he said.  Because you are not alone.  Other things don’t work, but this does.

He continued talking and thanked me for listening.  It made my day for many reasons:

– that he trusted me to talk to

– that he shared himself with me

– that I could make a difference for him just by listening

– that there is an organization like that where people have a “sponsor” who is totally there for them

I am feeling very emotional about this.  When I went to the therapist, I think I was looking for someone to validate me and empower me to become the “great” me.  She was talking to the “pathetic” me and keeping that one in place. 

What if we could have a place or group or structure where people were validated, empowered, supported and lifted up instead of drugged and talked to like they are a “problem”?  I don’t know what that would be, but I am excited about the possibility of it?  “You are not alone” just gets me emotional and full of hope.  The idea hasn’t jelled, but I have always wanted to do something for women. 

[Had to take a break – fighting with Jack on the phone – I screamed at him and told him that I am not going to say anything because whenever I do, he starts talking to me like he is great and I am an ass hole.  I told him I can’t take it anymore and I am just not going to say anything AT ALL because it is not worth it.  He then said that it seems I am always blaming him for everything and I SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS – “I am not even talking about you.  I am talking about me.”

Do you know what it is like to always be talked to like you are some kind of a wrong ass hole?  Probably, if you are married, but I am just tired of it.]

So where was I?  Then my boss called and I didn’t tell him I was writing instead of working – oh well.   Yes, some kind of group, but when my friend, FB, I call him thanked me for listening, I said, you know how you said you were a good listener, well I am one too.  I am empathetic and I cry with people and I don’t judge.  And he looked at me and said, “because you have heart.”

Yes, I do.  I am not the ass hole that my husband and daughter think of me as.  I am just TIRED OF FEELING BAD about myself.  I am a good person and a fun person and a smart person and a nice person.  I am just sad that I have felt so bad for so long and have let them take me down.  REALLY FAR DOWN.  I need to be around people who lift me, not drag me.  It is just not healthy in any way shape or form.

So, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, sounds really good.  You can get your faults, but BE YOUR FAULTS.  You can be your great self because I think we really do have it in us.

I feel bonded to FB.  He listens, he doesn’t condemn, and I feel like we are on a similar wave length.  Plus, I am attracted to his nice, hot body.  Does it mean anything?  No.  I am married and miserable, but no one is going to save me.  I have to save myself and I will.  I feel hopeful with every little conversation and blog.

So, once again, Thanks for listening.  I am sorry I am not editting these lately, but I don’t have time.  I have to go get ready to speak to a group in an hour and I am totally not prepared.  Asta La Vista, whatever that means.