25 May


I have finally figured out why I have these crushes.  Because the feeling you get is like a drug high.  BUT, it comes from “thinking” that the other person returns the feelings.  I imagine these great scenes that, while you would think they are sex scenes, are really more that they just love me.  They think I am a great person and they love me.   To me, that is like a high from a drug.  I don’t know why, but it feels good.  Reality is not really involved here, but I usually get a better high after talking to the crush.

For example, yesterday FB shared some very personal stuff with me, and it meant alot to me that he trusted me, plus it makes me feel closer to him.  There was nothing sexual or even innuendos, but it was the intimate act of sharing a secret that allows me to feel this happy feeling.  Nothing may happen, AND, while I know I was completely out of control in my first obsession with DH last year, knowing that I can “imprint” on different people keeps me fairly safe mentally.

While I had my first crush on DH, I was totally envisioning on us having a life together and, while I didn’t know how we would leave our spouses, I thought we were meant to be together.  It was definately out of control, but I didn’t realize it at the time since I thought it was FATE.  So, that aside, the good news is, as crazy as I was, I could move on to someone else.

OK – I lost my train of thought because I had to deal with a potential client – where was I?

So, while this is definately an escape from reality, it doesn’t put weight on like eating, it doesn’t put you into debt like gambling, it doesn’t have side effects like drugs, and while, it does have painful withdrawal, I have minimized those by finding the next crush victim.

I didn’t think there could be someone else after the last, but there always is.  There are more fish in the sea.  AND, it is alot better when you don’t actually have contact with them, because all the thoughts can be positive.  When I was actually involved with SM, I would go crazy if my text wasn’t returned, or if I didn’t hear from him, thinking it was over each time.  I had a lot of anxiety and felt TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL even though we were both married and I was DEFINATELY not interested in a future with him.  I was just addicted to the high that I got from our interactions.

This new crush with FB is much more controlled since I don’t talk to him out of the gym.  More like the DH only not as crazy.  I just like him, and like I said before, the THOUGHT that he returns the feeling is the high.  NOT BASED IN REALITY, but just the fantasy of it is enough to fuel me.

Is there a downside?  Yes, I have withdrawn from my husband, but, since I already had about 15 years ago, is that so bad?  I am using the fantasy to escape rather than food. 

If there’s another downside, let me know.  Right now I am going to enjoy feeling good rather than bad, if you don’t mind.


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