Going Down The Tubes – The List

25 May

5-25-12 Part 2 

I was walking up the stairs at my son’s school and I got dizzy like I was going to pass out.  I said to my son, I must be dehydrated.  He said, “no, you’re just fat and old.” 

I was heading to the ladies room and looked in the mirror – “yup, I thought, he is right.”  I did look fat and old.  It sent me down the tubes of feeling bad when two seconds before I was thinking I looked pretty good.  I realized that there are a list of things I can avoid if I don’t want to go down the tubes – it is sort of meant to be funny, and sort of true I am sorry to say, based on the strength of if I feel good about myself or not.  If I feel better, I will need a few things to take me down.   If I am feeling low, I barely even need one.  Here is the list:

looking in the mirror – all I have to do is catch a glimpse of myself in an unflattering mirror, and I can go from feeling like I am “looking good,” to feeling like an ugly, fat, old loser.   Sometimes I don’t even realize that it happened, I just know that all of a sudden I am in a bad mood and feeling bad.  I

– looking at the scale – Same thing.  I can look at a number and immediately feel like a big fat loser.

– seeing a photo of me – forgetaboudit – horrible – it’s just horrible – I don’t think I look that bad in real life – it sends me down the tubes immediately – ugh – terrible

– looking at my bank account – this makes me think the whole world is a messed up place and I want to get off and live in a cave and never talk to anyone ever again

– getting insulted by somebody- I think they are right and start feeling bad and Patty chimes in with all the other things that are wrong with me – I continue the insults until I catch myself and wonder why I am feeling so damn bad

– thinking I am being insulted by somebody- same as above – they might not even have meant it, but the same holds

– thinking someone is mad at me – I keep thinking and thinking about what I said to them and how I can apologize or make it up and obsess and obsess – sometimes I do say something and they usually don’t even know what I am talking about, but I do feel better once I’ve said something

– not getting a call back or email back – I am getting better about this (sometimes)

Well, that’s the list for now.  I know there are more, but my client is going to come back for me in a second.  I know this needs more work, but I gotta go.  More later.

Thanks for listening.

PS  Later last night I told my son that that was a nasty comment about being old and fat, and he said he was kidding.  I told him that I didn’t think it was funny as it is a sensitive topic for me.  He said he was sorry.  He is a good boy!!!  Gotta go.

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