Does Everyone Hate Their Spouse? Is That Just The WAY IT IS?

5-26-12

I am not going back and editting AND I don’t know how to do a blog, BUT, I am writing something and it’s out there and that’s something!!!  If there’s typos, etc., I apologize in advance.

There is so much to say today.  It is Saturday, I worked out, and here I am, sitting at Starbucks while Sybil tumbles.  There is so much going through my mind so I am just going to let my fingers type.

I am sad about my marriage.  REALLY SAD!  I was leaving with Sybil, and Jack looks up and acts like I am doing something wrong by not stopping to chat.  I said, I have been here for hours and you didn’t talk to me.  Why is it that whenever I am going out the door and late, you decide to notice that I am there?

It is really annoying.  He does his own thing ALL the time, with no indication that he knows I am a person in the house, and all of a sudden, when I am out the door, he wakes up.  I am just tired of having nothing with him.  I keep looking to see if it is me – am I just a bad, difficult person?  I don’t think so.  Most people seem to like me. They think I am kind, good-hearted, fun, good energy.  So why does the one person I am legally freaking bound to treat me like a piece of shit.  I guess I have allowed it.  I am just tired of it.

We have nothing in common except our work and our children and our house.  I guess that’s alot, but I feel like I have always wanted to have a great romantic, passionate love life and this just isn’t it.  I have given it so many tries.  I really have, that I am just tired of trying.  I don’t think Jack MEANS to be an ass hole.  I think his cluelessness just drives it.

If I could afford to leave, and not be worried about money, I think I would hesitate a little, but not that much.  I lived alone for many years when I was working.  I don’t want to break up the family unit, but it’s not so hot for the kids right now and I would hate for this relationship to be their model for life.  They will end up with people they dislike but are  stuck with. 

Jack started in on me today and I said, “I only know what you’ve told me.  I got out the computer and went through the numbers so I didn’t have to deal with his never ending lecture and philosiphisizing (sp?) which frankly bores me.  If I start talking, it always ends up being about him.  I can never talk for too long without him cutting in and going off about something about him.  I think he is basically self-referenced.  I’m not sure if all men are, but I don’t think so.

AND, do we just dislike each other because we are married?  Is that what happens when you get married?  Do you have to become each other’s enemies, or are we just badly suited after all these years?

I mean, I really don’t want to have to be alone for financial reasons.  I am not in a career where I am confident about my abilities and I do rely on Jack which is a problem.  EET IS FUCKED UP, as my son would say in a Mexican accent.  Before, I had a good job, was confident, knew what I was doing, and how no attention on money.  I saved my money, I took vacations with my savings, plus I put money away for the future.  It worked.  No stress.

Now, I am married to someone who not only spends what he has, but spends before he has it.  It is an endless cycle of trying to cover negative balances and trying to pay any bill with whatever money comes in.  I HATE IT AND IT SUCKS!!!!  I resent Jack for not being more mature and responsible in this area.  I know he was not trained, but for God’s sake, he is a 64 year old man.  “GROW THE FUCK UP AND TURN YOUR PANTS SO THE ZIPPER IS IN THE FRONT!!!”  (I borrowed the second half of that from some old friends.  Not the beginning as they did not SWEAR!!!)

I am not his mother and I don’t like being the only grown up.  (I don’t mean to just be negative, but I am trying to get out my resentments to see if there can be any love left!!)   He asks me if he can go to fucking Costco!!!  Look at the bank account and see if there is money, ass hole!!!  Why do I have to be the one to say no?  Wimp.  Wimp.  Wimp.  Tries to be the good guy.  Tries to act like he is the good one.  Your mother says,……your mother says……..  Fucking grow a pair, dude!!!!!  (This feels good – thanks for letting me vent – I am having a good time!!!)

And another thing, ……(thinking…there must be more…)  I hate that hockey is the only thing you care about.  Watching hockey on tv, going to hockey games, obligating us to $9000 to a hockey team when we have $6000 this month in bills that we haven’t paid.  How can a grown man justify that?  How can we ever have a future when we are going deeper into debt and financial obligations than we are paying bills?   Makee no sensee to use a Chinese phrase. 

He was just calling me but I am not going to answer.  I have very little free time where I can type without anyone seeing what I am doing so I will get back to him.  Fuck him as my father would say.

So, here is where my confusion lies:  I love my house, my children, and being a family.  So, I would to lose that. 

BUT, I also either want to be alone OR to be in a relationship that is empowering, hopeful, abundant, fun, passionate, loving, with someone who lifts me up, not brings me down.

Could I have this with Jack?  I just think he is so clueless that most of it wouldn’t happen.  I don’t think inside he is a bad person, just that he is severly limitted and can be quite an ass hole and not aware of it.  I am tired of being the brunt of his verbal attacks which he claims not to be aware of.   It has assisted me in feeling REALLY Bad about myself inside.  To being criticized in the following areas of the years:

– what I wear – he would go into a store and tell the saleslady “she needs help.  Please help her.”  Now, I let him do this.  I agreed that I didn’t have confidence in this area, but looking back, I should have said, FUCK OFF ASS HOLE, I am wearing what I want to.  Fuck you.

– How I cook – It is like I never did before and I am also needing help.  Now, mind you, I had boyfriends in the past who completely loved and appreciated what I made.  I like cooking for people who appreciate it.  BUT, Jack completely dismissed my efforts and ridiculed my abilities so much that I just stopped and will pretty much only cook when he is not around.

– Speaking – he will just interrupt me and never let me get a whole idea out – OR, he picks on words in such a way that whatever I am trying to say gets lost and I end up defending my choice of words instead.  It REALLY SUCKS AND IS VERY FRUSTRATING AND DEBILITATING!!!

– Fun life – there is none – fun to him is hockey.  I don’t even try to figure out where we can go together, because, frankly, I would rather stay home and read a good book  then go out with him, fight, and spend money we don’t have.  If this makes me boring, that’s ok.  If he was fun and nice and managed his money, I might have something to look forward to.

 – Sex – doesn’t exist, well, it didn’t for a long time.  Now that he actually wants it, there are problems there (enough said) and it isn’t any different than I could do myself thank you very much.  Read between the lines.

On a positive note, he never REALLY insulted me when I gained weight, BUT, I guess he sort of did by not having anything to do with me, although, that started  before I gained the weight.  I probably gained it because I was so miserable and felt it wouldn’t make a difference.  It wasn’t going to affect my sex life since I didn’t have one.

THE HOUSE – it is small, and while we have a great deck over looking the water, the house is always cluttered up.  It isn’t just his fault, but, in a couple there is usually a neat one and we just don’t have one.  I resent that if it is to be uncluttered, it has to be me.  I guess if I just threw out his stuff he wouldn’t notice, but the problem is that i ask him to go through it.  Then it never happens. 

I won’t comment on his body.

I guess my question is:  Is it Normal to Hate Your Husband?  I can see why people have affairs.  Someone starts being nice to you and you get a little attached.  It feel so good to have somebody actually listen and act like I have some value.  FB, for instance, says, “I like it” when I tell him things sometimes.  That is so little, but it means so fucking much.  (Sorry for swearing, it just helps make my point).  He actually complimented me the other day saying that my shirt looked good.  That means so much.

He took me into his confidence.  He also thought that Sybil making varsity cheerleading was really great.  That she had a goal and worked for it and accomplished it.  He listens to me and validates me and it is SO nice.  Of course I have a crush on him and a fantasy that we could live happily ever after.  I envision him ACTUALLY being nice.  That is so fucking pathetic, isn’t it?  What I like about him is that he is REAL.  No visions of grandeur or bragging – Jack always has to name drop or fabricate stories and brag about himself.  It kind of makes me sick, actually, that he is obviously so insecure.

So, I can understand why I serial fantasize.  Today after the gym I decided that FB likes me only as a friend.  I was about to tank – uh oh – all I have is my real life!!!  No!!  Can’t go there.  To actually deal with my marriage issue and Jack.  To try to communicate and make it work!!  NO WAY!!!  Inside my head I was having a tantrum like a two or three year old – YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!!!!!  I DON’T HAVE TO!!!  So, I decided that, of course, I am the true love of FB.  He is just biding his time.  Phew!!!  Fantasy saved, but I realize I need some back up – GBILF’s!!!!  Gym Boys……if I haven’t explained this one yet.  I will look around.  EM talked to me today.  AND, I had a long talk with DH, my very first Serial Fantasy.  He is nice, but not as deep as FB.  I love to talk to FB.  He is real and A REAL MAN!!  Definately a Bad Boy, but at least he is real.  No pretense.

So, can you blame me?  I guess it doesn’t matter.  I am still afraid of someone I know reading this, but eventually I hope someone will.  However, it is therapeutic and similar to leaving voicemails.  No one interrupts.  I can vent without interruption, judgement or advice, and I get to help myself. 

One last thought – I was happy that FB shared himself the other day with very personal information.  It made me feel like I wasn’t the only fucked up person in the universe.  I have no reason to be, after all.  I had great parents, a real home, sisters and brothers, and we had what we needed.  I did great in school, was an athlete and musician, and always supported myself no problem.  So, where did this come from?  I guess from all the well meaning criticism.  It just didn’t allow me to have confidence in myself in certain areas – some I am, but some I am not.  I will have to address this at another time.  My phone is ringing and Sybil is done.

Thanks for listening and sorry for not editting once again.