Weird, but True – It’s the Best I Got for Right Now

26 May

5-26-12 Part B

The thing with the Fantasies.  It’s as if I don’t want to be disloyal to them by being nice to Jack.  So I don’t talk about him except in complaining terms.  It’s part of the thing.  With DH, until he told me that he had had an involvement with someone about ten years before, and that he wouldn’t stray again, I wasn’t going to give Jack another chance.  I thought we were meant to be, and that, of course, he was destined to be with me.  So, when he said that he was staying faithful, that was my way of freeing myself mentally from him.  It wasn’t me, it’s just the way things were.  He was devoted to his wife again.

Now, funny thing is, he told me today that a couple of years ago, a woman, who was not his wife, admired his naked butt.  I was talking about being a butt girl, that I admire a nice firm ass on a guy, and he said, that a couple of years ago someone admired his who was not his wife.  I said, “only once, with all the working out you do?”  That’s when he said, ” I was naked at the time.” 

“Oh,”  I said.  So much for being devoted.  And here I thought he had become a good guy.  Well, I am wondering if it was “the Beast,”  the one I saw him with during the hurricane.  My theory was that his wife was away and he was staying with the Beast.  They were very lovey dovey and he would walk in with her.  The phone lines were out and I wonder if his wife was somewhere else.  It crushed me as at the time, “we were meant to be.”   He was my first Serial Fantasy.  If he was going to cheat, it was supposed to be me.

Luckily (sort of), that was when SM started to pursue me.  He laid it on fast.  He told me how sexy I was, that I was built for sex, and that the first time he saw me he wanted me.  This didn’t happen the first day, though.  We started talking at the gym a few times and he was helping me with my new iphone.  He was talking about something called i something where you could get music for working out.

On one day, Jack actually came to the gym and it really bumbed me out because he was invading my escape world.  When I got to my car, SM had left his business card with the word on it on my car.  I was excited and I emailed him at work.  We emailed a few times and then he said “big brother is watching, can I text you or call you?”  And that’s how we started communicating outside of the gym.  He wanted to get together and I got freaked out.

I had had a crush on DH, but never took it outside of the gym except in the parking lot where we would talk sometimes (I would time our exits if I could – pathetic, but true).  So, at the beginning I thought SM was a little bit of a creep.  I had never actually cheated or done anything.   I knew it was crossing the line.  We tried to get together a few times, but the first time, my daughter’s friend was killed that day and I needed to go get her.  The second time, he wanted to meet where my work people went, and I couldn’t do that.  The third time I can’t remember.  That’s when he pulled back.

We would text and it would get sexual.  I hadn’t had sex with my husband in years, and I started thinking that no one else would have the balls that SM has, and this might be my only chance to have it.  When he started acting nonchalant and no big deal, I started getting more into the idea.

I won’t go any further today, but, just to say, I completely justified what I did.  I was getting nothing at home for a long time.  I had told Jack that I didn’t want a life without sex and passion and companionship.  I wasn’t going to continue in this relationship as it was.  I told him and he would make promises and nothing would change.  It wasn’t like I just went out and cheated.  I REALLY had never looked at anyone until DH after the “Halloween incident” where I had had enough.  (Another story for another time).  

The weird part is that with each fantasy – SM was different than DH and FB, I never envisioned us together in the future – I didn’t want to be with Jack.  i feel like if I do, they will go away or give up on me.  AND, I can’t let them or I have to deal with my real life.  I know they can be replaced, but I get really attached to them while they are “IT.”  It is very strange and I don’t even tell my friends anymore because it sounds so dumb. 

I have to go.  The boys are home and I don’t want them to see this.

Thanks for listening.  I know it’s weird, but it’s true. 



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