5-27-12 6:41 AM
I have been up for hours and it is Sunday. The gym doesn’t open until 7:00 AM, but I don’t want to get there too early since my first class doesn’t start until 8:30 AM. That is Flex with Maria which is really hard. Then, I have Zumba for fun. By the time I am done, it is 10:45 and I am really, really tired as it is. So, I am going to write a little before I go.
Things are really bad with Jack. If I say anything, he responds in a very disturbing matter. It’s hard to describe, but it is like what I am saying is either stupid or I am an ass hole or he is at a loss at what to do with me. So I have been staying away from him even though we are in the same house. In bed, I put my second pillow between us since my back usually hurts. Now that the back is ok, I hurt my neck yesterday and it is hard to get comfortable. Frankly, this neck thing really hurts if I move a certain way.so I have to be careful today that I don’t make it worse.
That is one of the things that isn’t so good that I do. I go to the gym every day whether I am sick or hurt. People say you should take a day off, but I haven’t in a year. Well, on Friday it will be a year, so I am going to get there. If I can’t get there, I exercise in the hotel or take a walk at home. I am out to hit a year.
Back to Jack.,….I am sure it is partially my fault for ignoring him. I think he starts getting crazy after a while, but, most of the time it is irrelevant. He is either not home or if he is home, he is on the computer or watching tv. So, there isn’t a lot of time that he would actually be aware that we are not in “communication.” Most of the time he is in his own little world.
Last night we had dinner with the kids, and then I took Chad to a friends house. I came back and was doing the quick books for our business. I had a lot to catch up on – I hate doing it, but once I get into it, I am determined to get caught up. In two nights, I have caught up two out of the four accounts. I haven’t filed the papers in six months, so I want to get to that before the holiday weekend is over. We actually have some of Chad’s parents friends coming over on Monday for a cookout. The weather better be good, or we are in trouble. No room.
So I was doing that and reading my book very happily. It keeps the WW points down and we don’t spend money by not going out. Jack asked me if I wanted to take a ride and I said NO. My neck hurt and I was really looking forward to lying down and reading. Just keeping my head straight up was tying it in knots.
Now, he would probably say that I never want to do anything. Well, I don’t want to do anything – WITH HIM!! He is not fun and we always end up in a fight if I say anything. If I let him talk we are fine. He just drones on and on about what he wants to talk about. But, if I talk about anything that is a concern of mine – money, bills, Chad’s grades, the future, the lack of relationship that we have – obviously these are difficult topics and we get into a fight.
Is there something else I could talk about? What? The boys I have crushes on would not be a good topic. Anything medical, for example, the fact that I am still bleeding and cramping from my procedure and I am concerned that it should have stopped, would simply be ignored by him.
If I talk about my friends, he says something derogatory about them which pisses me off. If I talk about work, he starts giving me a lecture telling me what to do which also aggravates me. I can never just finish what I am saying, so it kind of makes me not want to start.
So where does that leave us? In a house together, even in a bed together (on separate sides), but not really getting along. When I go places with Sybil, sometimes we can talk and laugh, sometimes she is just moody and bitchy.
When I go places with Chad, we usually have fun if he is not texting his friends. I have told him that that isn’t nice to do when he is with me, since I rarely get to spend time with him. He is getting better. He is fun and USUALLY not nasty. Only when he is hungry or tired or frustrated like the rest of us.
Uh oh. I hear someone. I would hate for Jack to read this. Very hurtful I think. At least I am not talking about other stuff like last night he read my journal. That was a nasty, yet freeing, night. A story for another blog.
I don’t have an answer, but I think something is going to blow. He can only keep in how bad he feels for a little while. It will come out as an attack and he will be right. I go to sleep early so that I can work out. I don’t ever want to do anything. I make him feel like he is a failure. I don’t say nice things to him – Actually that would help him feel better since words are his love language, but since I resent and distrust him so much, it is hard for me to say anything nice.
Would it make my life easier? Yes. But I just don’t like or respect him. I hate his immaturity about finances. He is mean. He is self-absorbed. He doesn’t REALLY want to know me or listen to me. He will do it as a device if he has to, but then interrupt. I guess my love language is quality time – that is mostly about LISTENING to me and PAYING ATTENTION. That is why I like my gym boys. Because, at times, they will listen to me and pay attention and be interested. Granted, it is only for a short period of time, but it is enough to make me feel good.
I don’t get that at home, hence I feel unloved and alone. There you have it folks, the simple, easy solution to life. I feel good there because people listen and act happy to see me. At home I am met with derision. I am an annoyance and someone to be shat upon. Where would you prefer to be?
Now, is the gym a real place? Can I substitute one for the other? No, but I can grab some happiness in this dismal home existence, right? Plus I get a work out.
Patty can use the gym against me by saying negative things like I just explained above. She can ruin anything. You are too obsessed. You go every day – you should take a break. You have an injury. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Well, fuck you Patty. Why do you have to ruin everything?: Why do you have to bring me down? I am just trying to enjoy the day.
Because you are a loser and unlovable. Look at yourself. 52 years old, practically alone, not making enough money, not being nice to your family, thinking that someone else is going to come along and give you a great, romantic, financially sound relationship? Get a grip and hold on to what you have, honey. You are just lucky not to be alone, homeless and living on a piece of cardboard.
Wow – that is Patty. She lives in my head. She keeps me down whenever I get notions of leaving and going for a great life. Settle for what you have even though it sucks – is her message. Why? That’s what I will go figure out this morning. My friend taught me this Gesthalt method where you let the two voices in your head have a conversation. It is fascinating. It sounds crazy, but it works. Once these two hash it out – I can usually get some freedom.
The second girl is Independent Irina. She is independent and doesn’t need anyone else. She is tough. BUT, inside, she is just a sad, frightened little girl who was scared. She developed a tough shell to keep the hurts out – I don’t need anybody else. I am tough. BUT, inside, she has a lot of stuff that she never admitted. That all the criticism and nastiness from the family really did hurt. All of the times that she was hurt and pretended to be fine – THEY DID HURT. She stored them all up and pretends to be fine because she “shouldn’t be upset.” When I had been to the therapist those 3 times, I was starting to let those things out which were painful, but she saw it as I needed to be medicated. Fuck her.
Anyway, it is time to get to the gym. I want to get there by 7:30 don’t ask me why. I don’t know where I’ve gotten to. Why would Patty need to keep Irina in her shell? Why does she keep beating on her? I think Irina needs to come out in a nice way and say that we need to work together. Irina will stop acting so independent if Patty can stop being so mean. We need to love each other so that at least we are not at war inside the head. We need to build up the Main Me so that I have the strength to develop an income and then have some choices if I want to separate.
I think I get so sensitive to Jack because if Patty is already beating me up and then he says something mean as well, it is more than I can take. If he ignores me or is short, it is more of the same.
Anyway, I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone but me, but that’s ok. I am just trusting my fingers to type. I am not judging or editting at this point. There is too much to clear out of my mind to spend time editting. Maybe later or maybe I will never go back and read this stuff.
I feel like I need a good cry, but it wreaks havoc with my eye makeup!!!! Maybe on the way home.
Thanks for listening and have a good Memorial Day weekend.
tiredoffeelingbad 
Leave a Reply