Was That All It Took? Scary……….

5-27-12 Second blog

After I wrote the last post I went to the gym.  I got there about 7:30 AM.  I was trying to finish my book by Barbara Bradford, “Letter from a Stranger.”  Since I couldn’t sleep, I decided to go earlier than my 8:30 AM class.  I did 15 minutes on the elliptical, 15 on the bike, and 10 walking.  I was crying because of the book.  She is a great writer in that she captures you and you REALLY want to know what’s going to happen next, so it was nice to just relax while exercising and read.  It’s nice to not be in a rush on the weekends.

While I was concerned about my neck, I needn’t have been.  It didn’t hurt at all.  Why do these things hurt more at home. HMMMMMMM.  Why am I always more miserable at home (at least when Jack’s around)?

I did my hour of torture with Maria in Flex.  It seems that I get to the gym looking pretty good, or at least according to my friend Steve, who is more like a great girl friend than a guy.  , I love when he tells me I look good every day.  That makes my morning.  He should be gay, really, but he’s not.  He’s very sensitive, notices what I am wearing, and always compliments.  Compliments are better than sex – well, almost.

So, I get there looking fresh.  After Maria’s class I’ve got my hair in a headband AND ponytail, my make-up is gone, and I look like a drowned rat.  It’s a good look, let me tell you.  Luckily, by that time, my friends are gone and, except for this little guy that I was introduced to, I don’t know anyone walking by the classroom.  I stay by the windows so I can look for male eye candy.  It makes the time go by faster.  Then, when I do Zumba at 9:45, I can shake my groove thing and nobody I know is watching my drowned rat look with my shaking booty.   Today she played her old songs which were alot more fun – Club can’t handle me now, Love Shack, On the Floor.   Very fun.

I was thinking about my life and what I had said.  SM was there and I talked to him, but I am pretty much over him.  He was so freaking critical when he was driving around with us last week. Besides my shoes and my driving, he also picked on my car.  “Why is it dirty when it’s a new car?”

Two months old is plenty of time to get dirty in my book.  I decided he’s a compulsive germophobe and neat freak, with a side of  cheating pervert thrown in.  Can’t be much fun at home.  He said his wife wears alot of clothes to bed.  I wonder why!!!!  That’s probably why he strays.  Not my problem.  He’s really friendly when Lovely Lady isn’t there.  Well, fuck you too ass hole.  Excuse my French.

Although, on the other hand, I feel a sort of bond with him because we have shared things about ourselves.   I like him on a certain level because I know him.  We are sort of like brother and sister or friends that give each other a hard time.  It is fine.  I am still a little jealous, but only because he spends more time with LL than he ever did with me.  I didn’t work out with him or run with him.  I kind of said hi and watched from afar.  Silly me.

Let’s throw in slick as well.  Now that my jealousy has re-emerged, I’ll  make myself feel better by putting him down either more, OK?

No FB or DH today, and EM was far away.  So, not much to go by except friend Steve and SM.  But, it’s ok, I had a good workout.  I left the gym around 11:00, so after about 3.5 hours.  No wonder I could barely walk to my car.  (I am not going to let Patty say I am compulsive here, I am tired of her insults.  I am healthy and fit thank you very much). 

When I was driving home I was filled with dread.  I really didn’t want to have a nasty day like yesterday.  I realized that I have been Irina the Independent Bitch for a while.  Just staying safe and not participating in life with Jack.  Ready for the next attack at all times.  Fighting back with nasty words.  Did I really want to leave?

 I saw a young girl primping in front of the mirror.  Do I really want to go back out to the dating scene?  I hated that.  I hate to say it, but, apart from my fantasy love affair with FB and my old fantasy with DH, and my real thing with SM, AND, the passion that I am missing and the REAL LOVE, ……….there is some comfort in just being able to be downright ugly at home.

Not having to worry about whether somebody will notice my vericose veins or lack of perfect body.  The wrinkles over my lip.  Being able to just wear HOME clothes.  To be able to stay home and read a book.  To sit out in the sun like I am doing right now, sweat running down my upper lip – I know, TMI.

It is nice not to have to share my kids and have someone around to share some of the burdens.  I can’t believe I am saying anything good about my marriage.    Don’t tell anyone.  It will ruin my whole “misery” schtick.  (Oooh – that’s scary, isn’t it?)

Part of me realizes that since we are going away to Jamaica together this Friday, it would be really miserable,  and a waste,  to not get along in an island paradise.  Jack won the trip, not me.  If I won, I would have taken one of the kids instead of him.  BUT, since I like vacations, I get to go with him.  It’s just a few days.

So when I got home today, it was ok.  He said he was glad I was home.  Really?  I said.  We actually had a civil conversation about what to serve tomorrow.   He got a little superior when he told me that no one argues with him, I said he must be from a superior blood line.  That didn’t even goad him into attacking!!  (Interesting, was I trying to?  Why would I do that?)

We made a grocery list and he left to go shopping because we are having a few people over tomorrow.   He was helpful and took the bottles and cans to be returned without me asking.   As long as I don’t think about the fact that our verizon is about to be turned off because we can’t pay the bill, I am ok.  I actually could pay it, but it will wipe out our tiny little reserve.   I will see – I would hate to lose the phones.  We just have so much due that it is nasty to think about.  OK, I’m not going to ruin Sunday thinking about the bills.

This week Jack did help me get one of our new people over her number which will help us, but it meant giving half the commission away.  He did it without complaining, probably because he knows we will get it back.  It was actually very nice of him and I COULD be grateful for it and EVEN tell him that.  No promises though.

So, the point is that I didn’t need to discuss why we weren’t getting along or THAT we weren’t getting along or what all the problems were.  I blogged them yesterday and this morning and it was like, POOF, they didn’t need to be discussed to have some peace.  I am not saying they are totally gone, but not seeing FB and thinking he may be with a girl or something made me think I need to GET A LIFE, as they say.  So, in the interest of ME and MY LIFE, it would be better to just be civil.  We will see what happens from there. 

It is really hot and Patty would say that I am self-destructive for sitting in the sun without sunscreen anywear but my face.  At least I have it there.  I have enjoyed our little time together.  (Really?  you ask.)  Yes, it is very helpful to me to get this stuff out.  Talking to Jack is just not always a good idea because he gets REALLY DEFENSIVE and then ATTACKS ME.  It is quite destructive.  I know his love language is words of assurance so I might even try to say something nice today.  Again, I am not promising, I am just telling you I MIGHT.

Somehow, his paying attention to me defused me when I got home.  My love language is quality time.  It is so simple, so why is it so hard?  Good question, I’ll get back to you.

Thanks for listening.  I am sweating again and need another shower.  Oy vay!!!!  Oh, I need a title.  Any sugesstions?