No Decisions – :Let’s Just Get Through Another Day

29 May

5-29-12

It’s Tuesday after Memorial Day.  Last night was fun.  We had people over and drank wine and ate good food.  I am making calls as I type.  It is hard to remember who I am dialing……..OK,,,,right now I am calling Lydia…..

Went to the gym this morning and talked to FB.   I am so crushing on him (if that is a phrase).  I keep thinking about him and it is getting bad.  I think I have to compartmentalize him so the thoughts don’t affect my life.  I am thinking about him all the time.  I think the underlying theme is “he definately going to save me.”   He will take me into his life and I won’t have to deal with my own.  Do I really know him?  Irrelevant in the thinking.  Fantasies are not based in reality.  That’s why they are fantasies.

BUT, even so, I have a real physical attraction to him and I just love to talk to him as well.  It makes me happy when he is at the gym.  Just knowing he is there makes me happy.  There is no contact outside of the gym.  AND, I have no idea if he thinks of me at all.  BUT, my crushing is HUGE. 

On the reality front,  Jack was asking me what I was REALLY feeling about the marriage this morning on the phone.   I told him honestly what was missing.  Passion, fun, love, empowerment, someone who likes me and wants to spend time with me.  Someone who thinks I’m ok just the way I am.

He said that he does like me and love me, but he doesn’t think there is any hope for us because of how I feel.  I told him not to use what I say against me.   That I am saying how I feel right now.  Not forever.

I really don’t know what to do.   I am not attracted to Jack at all right now. 

Part of me thinks I am just being stupid and should appreciate what I have. Secretly “longing for” hot guys at the gym might just be self-destructive.  I know my serial fantasies keep me from having to deal with Jack.  I’m ok with that for right now because I just don’t want to.   It is too frustrating, exhausting, and has little hope for the future in terms of fun, finances, and excitement.  Is that too much to ask for?

I want more, but I am afraid I am being stupid.  Some people that get divorced are REALLY happy and some people have regrets.  I don’t want to be one of the people who say, wow, I had it good, what was I thinking?

But, I also don’t want to be one of those people who say, ” why did I stay in a miserable marriage for so long?”

Jack makes it seem like it is my fault.  I must WANT IT TO BE THIS WAY.  I HAVE JUST WHAT I WANT.   

Fuck him, man.  I am doing the best I can.   That’s all I can say.   I’m not going to worry about it right now.  (I am calling Jacob…….)  There is nothing I can change right now.  Would FB be right for me in reality?  I don’t know.  It’s just the fantasy that he loves me “truly” that keeps me going on him.   I will probably never know, but I do like him.  I really feel like we bonded last week.  If it’s only has friends, then I am glad to have him as a friend. 

I love having Steve as a friend, too.  He always tells me I look nice.  We were joking this morning that I need to record him.  I need a button that I can press and hear him say “you look nice today.”  “You look good in red.”  “I like your butt”, whatever.  He is a good uplifting person to be around.

Why can’t I feel that way about Jack?  I just don’t know.  I think I will lie down for a few minutes and then go get weighed.  I don’t have to make any decision, but I will definately be thinking about FB.  There is just something about him that is so real.  Who knows?  Let’s just get through another day.

 

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