Thank God for My Fantasy Life!!!!

31 May

5-31-12  6:35 PM

Had an exhausting day.  Had to go out with my state coordinator today.  I realize that I suck at sales and that I never wanted to be in sales, and yet, here I am IN SALES.   I like the non-parts of the business like working with people, meeting people, listening to people, but I am not good at getting through people’s objections when they’ve said no.  I just say ok.  NOT GOOD. 

I was so nervous this morning that I couldn’t even talk or think.  I kept having to go the bathroom because I had a LARGE DD coffee.  It was completely embarassing. 

My boss’s boss is a great salesman and turned this client around effortlessly.  I would have totally screwed it up.  I guess I COULD look at the positive, which was……..?   That there is something to learn, I guess.   I hate that.  I want to be good and perfect and rich RIGHT NOW!!!!

On a good front, my fantasy is alive and growing with FB.  Today we talked – I said, remember when you asked if I was always smiling, well, sometimes I am not……..etc.  During the conversation he asked if I ever work out my legs.  I asked him why he was asking, and he said that he never sees me doing legs.  I told him I did them on the other side.  But, I just realized, that means he is watching me which I love.  He always looks like he is so engrossed in what he is doing that I didn’t think he even noticed little old me.

Later I went up to him and said, “is there something wrong with my legs?”  He said, no.  Not at all.  His next comments have kept me SO HAPPY AND FANTASIZING TODAY.  Are you ready?  

He told me he really likes talking to me.  He said that I am special because I am real.  I am still kvelling from that comment.  It has made me totally in love with him (in my fantasy).  I feel like he gets me and it is so refreshing and nice and I don’t have to feel crazy.  He thinks it’s all good.  I love that.  I just do.  I want to declare my love and devotion (in my mind – don’t worry, whenever I get this way, I don’t even see him something prevents me from making a fool of myself).

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Jack and I had a bad fight starting yesterday and going until today.  It was so unpleasant and draining.  It is such a difference – the communication with both of them.  I know it is not fair to compare, but so what?  Life it not fair.  If I say something to Jack, he argues with me and annihiliates me for hours.  It is so exhausting.  If I say something to FB he says, “I like that.  Nice.”   One person makes me feel BETTER, and one makes me HATE MY LIFE.  Gee, hard to decide who I like better, isn’t it? 

In my musing, I want to ask FB if he likes me as more than a friend.  Does he have any feelings for me in a romantic way?  If yes, I can start to think that I am not just hallucinating and see if it could go anywhere.  I don’t care about his background, I just care how I feel about him and how easy it is to talk to him. 

If no, I will appreciate his friendship and either try again in my marriage, OR, find another crush.  At this point, I am ready to run to California with FB.  I just am, regardless.  I don’t care that I don’t know him.  “Details” as far as I am concerned.   I suppose if the answer is no, we could just be friends with benefits.  That might work for a short term escape plan.

I have mixed feelings about going to Jamaica.  If Jack hadn’t won it and I had, I would be taking someone else.  I am dreading having to be with him.    He probably, at some level, knows that I am not into him, but I have said, that if I was really ready to move, I would be gone.  I don’t want to break up the family and I love our view.  AND, I have no money to leave.   That pissed him off more – because I didn’t say I was staying because of him.  At one point he asked me if I was proud of him – I had to come up with some things in a fast way.  None of which had to do with money, mind you.

Italian Steve told me that life is too short and to just go and have fun.  Maybe I will act like we are just dating.  Then I won’t feel like I am stuck and have no way out. 

Actually, I did go away with a boyfriend in college.  We had fun, but one night we got into a huge fight because he took our joint money and gambled it away.  I was pissed.  I think that’s why I broke up with him.  He was not responsible about money.  Why didn’t I realize this about Jack before I got married?  But, I can’t say that, because then I wouldn’t have my kids. 

FB and I share views about money.  He believes in saving. 

I had taken a break in typing just long enough for Jack and to get into a fight.  He got on my case again because I was frustrated and said I wished he hadn’t put some business in before we had figured things out.  It is not all messed up and taking ALOT OF TIME. He just kept going on and on and on and on.

I said, “ok, I’m an ass hole.  Let’s just agree so you can stop this onslaught.  That just fuels more abuse.  I fucking hate it.  It drains me of my energy and happiness.  I am not free to speak without getting an onslaught of assoholicness.  It is just not a fun way to live.  I can see why I am not happy at home and quite dead.  It just isn’t fun.  He doesn’t know he’s doing it and he doesn’t care.  BUT, I am tired of feeling sorry for him.  It really sucks.

So, let’s go back to my fantasy.  I think FB is actually very different from what I thought.  He will get me through the night.  I need to get out of here.  Luckily, Jack and Chad just left for  – you guessed it – hockey.  Good.  He wanted me to give him money for gas tonight and I said I didn’t have any.  Go fuck yourself.  Figure out that there is no money and don’t fucking go, ass hole.

I am really pissed off.  I am dreading this weekend.  I will just hang with my friends.  I will not be working and not be at home looking at the clutter and try to enjoy myself. 

Right now I want to go to the gym tomorrow right now and see FB.  It isn’t time.  I am afraid he will be late tomorrow and I will miss him.  I am definately going to go back if I do.  I will just kerplunk right next to him.   I will follow him around and put on my kimono and walk and take little teeny steps.  I don’t care.  I need him to save me right now.  I will admit it.

Other gym friends:  SM and I have been being civil to each other.  I even talked to my first friend there – I will name him FF for first friend.  We had stopped talking for a while – he had told me that he had a really long and detailed sex dream about me.  After that things were never the same.  It was just plain awkward.  So it was fun to talk to him again.

I had a long elliptical chat with CM the car man.  We were really laughing.  He was talking about when he was young and the parents would pick up the kids from school or activities and throw them in the back without seats or seat belts.  But the funny part was that the parents would be drinking – one mother would have a Tall Boy Beer in between her legs.  We were envisioning eye witness news doing an OJ chase down Route 7 with the helicopters filming for live TV.  We were laughing so hard that it was really fun.  Things were much different back then.  Much more relaxed.

It is good to laugh.  I love FB.  I hate Jack.  What else can I say?  Thank God for my fantasy life.  Sybil is watching tv and I am ready for bed at 7:29 PM.  I never had my nap today.  More tomorrow!!!

Thanks for listening.  It definately helps.   I am getting clearer about things.  I have a plan for ME to make money and learn to sell better so that will help my escape plan. 

Thanks Again.

 

 

 

 

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