7 Jun


Well, I’ve been to Jamaica and back on a work trip that we won.  I went with Jack and I was very nervous about that.  Luckily we had our whole state of winners on the trip so there were lots of people to talk to and hang around with.  It was a beautiful resort and I got to work out in the morning, stretch at the pool in a class, and do aerobics in the water with these very well built Jamaican men!!!  They would pose and we would cheer.  It was a lot of fun.

Then, one night we went dancing.  The other nights I was just too tired – we only had 3 nights there!!!  I was dressed in what appeared to be a “hot” dress.  I danced like a drunken fool.  I love to dance and I will go out there by myself if I have to.  The best part is what one of the “men” said to me.  He was with the head of our state and he said that they were admiring the way I was moving my butt.  “Really”, I asked?

“I don’t remember it moving that way last year,” he said. 

“Well, I attribute it all to Zumba!!” I answered.  Wow, I thought.  I am a person that, while I love to dance, it is one of my favorite things if the music is good, I have been told that “I look funny.”  Mostly by my daughter, but was told that once in high school as well.  I am very proud and thrilled that a soon to be 53 year old woman’s butt was being admired!!!  Jack even told me that I was inspiring everyone out there.  I am not sure why, but that is very cool.  YEAH ME!!!!  One of my proudest moments.  I have lost only 26 of my 40 pounds, and yet, “MY BUTT IS BEING ADMIRED.”  I freaking love that.

Jack and I sort of got along, but I would definately say I was thinking of FB and fantasizing about FB more than I was about Jack, that’s for sure.   I mean, I enjoyed Jack’s attention and he was certainly being nice, BUT, I was a little lukewarm if I tell the truth.   I had great fun with the others, but with him I was just a little numb. 

I told think I told you about the Victoria Secrets incident, did I?  Well, to summarize, he wanted to go the Friday before the trip.  He had a gift certificate and was going to use it to buy me stuff.  I would rather have stuck pins in my eyes and told him so.  I said my friend Missy asked me to have a drink.   HE WAS PISSED!!!!

He told me that I WAS GOING TO GO AND THAT I WAS GOING TO PRETEND TO BE ENJOYING MYSELF!!!   Now, this was Friday, I had worked all week, I was tired, I had to pack and I WAS NOT GOING TO GO there.  I hated that place as it relates to “pleasing him” which is another story for another day.

OK, I’ll go, I said, but I don’t have the energy to pretend.  You’ll have to drag me around.  So he said fair enough.  We went, and at first I hated it, but I found a couple of nightgowns and some underwear under complete duress and pain.  Then, he had some money left and so we started looking at the lotions.  I relaxed at this point because it did not involve undressing and seeing myself in the horrible mirror.  By the time we left, I was ok.  We went and had a beer with Missy and the horror show was over.

He was happy that I did it for him.  He really did.  I was just feeling like a blob when we went and I couldn’t stand myself.  I had to just stop resisting it and it finally went away.  I felt like something was wrong with me – FAMILIAR feeling.

The next day we left.  Packing is stressful for me since I have Packer’s disease – overpacking issues.  AND, we had a flood through the roof which leaked only into the bag I had packed with the passports.  I had to switch bags at 5:30 AM and luckily the passports weren’t ruined.

But, once we got on the plane, I relaxed and realized it is good to get away.  Make the best of it.  Enjoy!!!  The unlimited food and drink helped!!!  And, I just got back from WW and only gained .6 of a pound.  Will wonders never cease.  I guess all the exercise and dancing  helped to counteract the eating.

Well, meanwhile I got back and went to exercise.  I was late because I hit off instead of snooze, but FB was there and he went on the elliptical next to me for his ten minutes.  We chatted.  I still like him, but I am moving more towards he probably doesn’t have the fantasy that I have, but so what?  I still love his butt and the way he talks to me AND when he looks at me with those brown eyes I kind of melt.  That is the feeling that I miss with Jack, but, we did have a talk in the airport where I told him that I just don’t want to be vulnerable right now.  I don’t want to have him go back to being mean since I like his good behavior.  So, if having a harmless fantasy makes me feel safe, then I will keep it.

I know I can change guys, so that is good.  I have changed 3 times so FB is not a permanent  problem.  I just like him and we have fun.  Just like with IS, but I don’t fantasize about him.

Well, I have to get going.  It’s nice to be back in touch.  I have to get dressed and go to the science fair for Sybil.  They are almost done with school and then we have to deal with the summer.  Oy vay!!  I’ll deal with that later. 

Thanks for listening.  Today is a pretty good day so far.   I am out in the sun in a bathing suit top typing so I don’t fade.  Not the healthies, but I love it.  Gotta go be a mom!!!!!

PS  No time to edit.  Sorry




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