Do I REALLY Have to Grow Up? I’ll Let You Know!!!

6-8-12

On the phone calling a client.  I only have a few minutes before Jack comes home.  I feel like I have nothing to say, but since I am standing in the kitchen eating peanuts when I am not hungry, I am figuring there is something going on.  Let’s see what comes out my fingers.

While we were away, Jack told me that he was sure that I was typing things about how he was sure I was writing about him and how I hated him.  I told him that basically I wrote about whatever I was upset about that day and it wasn’t always about him. That was not a lie.

He told me that he thought I was definately out of the marriage and that there was no hope.  I told him that I didn’t want to break up the family, didn’t want to leave or lose the house, and didn’t want to be single.  Plus, I am financially unable to leave.  So, I have no plans on leaving and that is why I am still there.  He was disappointed that I didn’t say I was staying for him!!  I couldn’t say anything about him since I have spent so much time being resentful and hating him.

But, after our talk in the Jamaica airport, I felt better.  I didn’t hate him as much.  It’s weird how that works.  I think this is him.  I will say more later.  I REALLY don’t want him reading over my shoulder – not cool.

Still thinking of FB.

Later:  I am back.  Jack is taking Chad to see his friend at the hotel that his father stays in when he visits.  The father is a lot of fun and they all get to hang out at the hotel.  Sybil went because Chad’s friend was with him and she thinks he’s cute and nice.     Normally I would have gone because I like to hang out with the “hotel” father, but I am too tired and would have to reput my make up on and frankly, I am looking forward to a good nights sleep.  Tomorrow I get to sleep in a little because the gym doesn’t open until 7:00 AM.  Saturdays I kibbitz with DH and the other Saturday people. 

What was I saying?  I don’t know, but I have tanked.  I was looking at the bank accounts and realized that the amount of money we have – after a day’s spending – will not cover the two bills I had set up to pay.  One was the electric bill – while listening to my messages, I realized the very same electric company had called me and it WASN’T to wish me a happy birthday.   So, I had to reduce the amount of what we could pay.  Bumbs me out because I was feeling so good that we could pay SOMETHING!!!

The other problem is that Jack, bless his heart, actually wants to do something for my birthday.  I am thrilled that he does – I have wanted this to happen since we got married.  He told me the other night that he wanted to have a surprise party, but it was freaking him out and so he told me – I actually thought it was cute believe it or not.I have always wanted him to think ahead and do something, and I think Chad may have had something to do with that, but that’s ok.  The problem lies in that there is no money.  I don’t want to give him my whole reserve and then we HAVE NOTHING.  That really freaks me out and stresses me out at the same time – a bad combination.   I don’t need fancy food – just don’t run out of beer and or wine.

Ok – I just went to grab some more peanuts and raisins – this will be dinner which is fine with me – I love it when I am alone and drinking beer – no fuss no muss – BUT, the raisins had ants in them.  Bumbs me out.  I hate ants and any kind of bugs.  BUT, I am determined to not freak out this summer.  They are what they are and they are part of the summer.  DEAL WITH IT!!!  But, I still hate the sight of them.  It makes my skin itchy.

Back to the party – NO FUCKING MONEY – I told Jack that if he put the party on a credit card then it is not worth having it – I won’t be able to return it like I did with the Christmas gifts he gave me.  I returned them all because he put them on a credit card because we had no money.  That is not a gift.  That is a dagger throught the heart.  Returning those gifts made me so fucking sad. 

We are working hard and we have NO MONEY.   It really sucks and depresses me.   I am eating ant ridden raisins and have no money for the exterminator.  They keep paying me and I tell them I would pay them if I had money but I don’t.  What can I say?

Missy is out at the local bar and keeps texting me to come there.  I don’t know how she does it without money, but I just can’t do it.  I refuse to go into debt for drinks.  I am wondering if Jack will dip into his “hockey” money to pay for some of this.  I know he keeps it until he has to pay for hockey.  So, fuck him.  Use some on me, you hockey obsessed bastard.  Am I not just a little important or is the only game in town paying for the fucking hockey?

You tell me.  I am not going to run out of money to pay the bills that are coming out of the accounts to have this party.  His idea = he finds the fucking money.  OR CALL IT OFF.  I don’t care.  I liked the idea.  I think I am getting more pissed off rather than less, but this is good.  I will finish my peanuts, finish my fourth Corona Light, and get into bed and read my book.  Then I will stop eating.  I need to save some weekly points for Sunday – my no cost party.

Back to FB.  I saw him the last 3 days.  His schedule varies so I keep thinking I will miss him.  We haven’t had a long talk, but enough.   I keep vacillating between he watches me and admires me to I am completely hallucinating that he cares at all.  Probably just for a quick lay.  BUT, in the fantasy world, reality just can’t factor in or the “feel good” is gone.  So, why go with reality?  It just bites.

I need a fantasy from our finances REALLY BAD so I will go with the whole thing.  He loves me, he wants, he thinks I’m cute, he loves to watch me, he would love to spend the rest of his life with me.  He is hot, we would have great sex for the rest of our lives, he would be loyal and cherish me and love to spend time with me.  He would never be rude or short with me and NEVER put me down in any way, shape or form.  He has money saved which we could live off comfortable and travel whenever we wanted. 

OK, I’m seeing that maybe if I have a fantasy, I want the above plus a whole lot of excess cash.  I would like the option to have nice things and to not have to do this torturous job.  BUT, loyalty is important as is passion and just thinking I am THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD.  Why not have the fantasy go over the top?  Maybe FB is not a good candidate?  Not sure, but it will help me.  I just think he is very cool in a weird way.  BUT, if he stopped being nice acting like I am special, alot of the reason for the attraction would go away, so …….we’ll see.

When I get anxious, I just realize that if something is meant to happen, it will.  AND, if it isn’t, I will move to CRUSH #4. 

I guess for not having anything to say, I certainly found something.  The other anxiety producer today was feeling my old birthday feeling that I have no friends.  I was starting to invite them and they were all busy.  I didn’t want people to think that I didn’t have any friends and I was desperate so I invited them.  I get sad around my birthday.  It is annual.  I think it goes back to childhood and it is REALLY time to GROW UP!!!  But I don’t have to unless I want to. 

When I was little, I waited all year for my birthday.  We had five kids and so I didn’t ask for anything all year.  BUT, on that one day, I literally thought the world should revolve around my every want and desire.  It was MY DAY!!!  I had waited 364 days for this.   But guess what?  No one else thought that.  No one else thought the day was any different.  So, every year I was SO DISAPPOINTED!!!  I was just so sad that no one realized that it was MY DAY!!!  No one else cared except perhaps my mother who had me.  

So, is it time to grow up?  Not sure.  I will let you know.  And on that note, I am not editting this.  I am too tired.  I am almost done with my beer and I am going upstairs before Jack and Sybil get home.  That way I won’t eat anymore and I will be in bed. 

Thanks for listening.  You are awesome and I am tired.