Why Am I Obsessing?

6-9-12

OK – My brain is going crazy.  Jack is being really nice.  He has cleaned up around the house and is being all lovey dovey.  He told me I looked hot today.  I’m a little freaked out by this.  This is everything I always wanted, and yet, all I am thinking about is how I walked away from FB today when we could have had a conversation.  I am obsessing about it.

Here is the background and I think you will agree that I did the right thing.  Sometimes I go back to the gym after the kids go to  school, especially  if FB was not on the early shift.     By the time FB comes, I am usually finished with my workout, so, since I am done,  I don’t mind following him around in order to talk to him.  I  talk to him while he goes  from apparatus to apparatus.  I told him I felt like a geisha girl following him around – I should be in a kimono.      

Today, though, I wasn’t through with my workout when he waved for me to follow him – he said do the geisha.   BUT, he was distracted because he couldn’t find a piece of equipment and he was taking a while to pay attention to me, so I made a decision.   I said, I gotta go and he said goodbye.  (I think he thought I was leaving). 

A few minutes later, I went over to him and told him what I was going to say.  We had a short conversation and then I left.  No big deal.  We just haven’t had a good, long conversation for a week and I feel like I missed the chance to.  I miss our conversations.    They are nice.

Well, I am wondering if I did the right thing, but there is nothing I can do.  I am obsessing about whether I should have just stood there and waited for him.   I just didn’t want to stand there when I had things to do.  Why is it more important for him to get his workout done but not me?   He is not complaining, but I am feeling like I did the wrong thing.    I am worring about it.  I am thinking he won’t like me now.

I guess it is easier to worry/obsess about this then to think about MY REAL LIFE.  Thinking about our lack of finances.  how nervous I am about hitting my numbers for the quarter, and wondering who will come tomorrow to my “surprise” birthday party.   It makes me feel like I don’t have any REAL friends.   I feel stupid for being a baby about my stinking birthday. 

Instead, I obsess over whether I should have waited for FB or not.  Like it REALLY matters!!!!!   I guess I am afraid he will give up on me.  I am afraid that I blew it today.  I think he acts all macho but deep down he is insecure so he doesn’t REALLY think I like him.  That’s what I always do.  I make excuses for the guys and get treated like a door mat.

So,back to FB.  There is really no decision.  FB might just like me as a friend, but I just don’t want to be following him around like an Arab woman or slave.  I want to be a person with value.   If that ruined things, then too bad for him, right?   Does it really matter?  No, but obsessing seems to be part of my nature unfortunately.  So if it doesn’t matter, why do I keep going over it and over it in my mind?  Why do I feel so anxious?

Let me think……this is reminding me of a similar incident.   I was at Canyon Ranch back when I was single and with my spa package, came two appointments with a “Lifestyle Consultant”.    The consultant asked me what was going on.  I said I was fine,   BUT, it was weird that I was completely obsessing over which leotard I would wear to each exercise classe.

He asked, “is everything ok with your work?”  Yes, I said.  “How about in relationships?”

With that question burst into tears and cried for the next four days.   I was in a relationship with a guy who turned out to be married.  Last July 4th, he had told me he would leave his wife in six months if he felt better.   It sounds dumb, but he had chronic fatigue syndrome and always felt sick.  He wasn’t going to leave his wife and put me through his illness unless he felt better by January 1.  It was December 24th.   I knew that he still felt like crap.

I hadn’t really thought about what that meant.    He obviously wasn’t leaving her.  I only had a lose lose situation here.  I could stay with him while he was married, or never see him again and miss him terribly.  Sounds dramatic, but it made sense why I was obsessing.  There was not a win in it for me.  Give up on ever having a great relationship and stay with him or ……I couldn’t even think about it.  He was my soul mate or so I thought and I couldn’t live without him – blah, blah, blah.   Sounds really dumb now, but I was definately in the middle of it back then.

 I was already seeing a therapist back home to find out why I couldn’t let go of my married man.  She kept telling me that “they” never leave their wives.  I definately didn’t like this or her.

When I got back home, I fired the first therapist and found a new therapist.  It’s funny because I would go see her feeling fine, and come out crying and confused.  She kept asking me why I wasn’t angry at my parents.   I knew they were doing the best they could.   She confused me.

Around this time, my friend, Dale, did something called the Forum.    Her brother had been bothering her for four years to do it.  She was about to move to Japan for work and she said, why do you keep bothering me about this?  He said, if you kept almost drowning I would tell you to take swimming lessons.   You keep having problems in relationships.  So, she did it.  She was basically a righteous bitch before that (even though I loved her and she was a lot of fun).  BUT, she totally didn’t get why I was with my married guy.  No one understood (for good reason).  

After the Forum, Dale was unbelievable.  She apologized for not being understanding and told me she loved me.  I said, whatever you did, sign me up.  I went and did the Forum.   I realized that what I was committed to was having a REAL relationship.  (I couldn’t say marriage yet.)    AND, my married guy just didn’t fit into that.  So, we could be friends, I didn’t have to say goodbye, but our relationship just didn’t fit.

It was a very huge deal.  Plus, the other “little” part was that I truly thought I was unlovable.  I called my dad in the forum and asked him if he was proud of me and did he love me?   He said, of course I do – why would you need to ask me that?  

I said, ok, thanks, and went back to the forum.  I was talking to Dale’s brother, and he told me he loved me.   I said, I know, you say that to everyone.  He said, “no, I really do love you.”  The light bulb went on.  I didn’t think anyone could really love me.  I just didn’t.  I was good at the beginning of relationships, but I knew that if they really got to know me, they couldn’t.   I am needy and insecure and oversensitive.  I cover it with the fun, happy girl image, but I am a mess in relationships. 

I fired the second therapist and told her that my thing is “confused victim” and she was making it worse, not better.  She was evil and said, “you’ll be back.”  I said NO WAY.

I separated from MM  (married man) although we stayed friends.  It wasn’t always happy, but I felt good about it.  I had a lot of work to do in relationships which is still the truth (duh).    

So why am I obsessing about FB now?  I guess in my mind he is safe.  He is not the unavailable one this time, I am.  He can’t hurt me because I can just go back to my marriage.

“Confession” – I am watching a Family Channel movie as I type – Lindsay Lohan in Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen and I am waiting for the happy ending.  I am even crying.  This is channelling my inner drama queen so go with it…….

So why am I so fucked up?  I dress up to go to the gym in the morning, making sure I have minimal make up and my very sexy gym pants and top.  When I get home, I wear no make up and my loose comfy clothes.  I am not going to make the effort for Jack.  Maybe I don’t need to.  Maybe that’s nice to be safe and good.  Or, am I just fucked up?

Maybe I don’t need to think so hard about any of this.  I think I just need to breathe and be present.  Maybe I have had too much coffee.  Maybe none of this matters.  Maybe FB will talk to me and maybe he won’t.   It obviously won’t matter in five years unless I am destined to end up with him.  DH was friendly today but he interrupted our conversation to talk to the beast.  He said he would CALL HER ON TUESDAY NIGHT.  That’s why I had to stop liking him.  What is the deal with the beast?  I walked away after that.   SM was also there and we talked because Lovely Lady was not. 

We’re about to have the happy ending…….YEAH.  Stu Wolfe brings Lola the necklace and proves she’s not a liar.  YEAH LOLA!!!!  And, she ends up with Sam.  You gotta love those happy endings.

So, why can’t I be nice to Jack?  Why do I keep fantasizing about FB?  Who cares?  It’s working.  No more coffee for today (maybe).    I will go to the library later and pick out new books.  I will eat healthy today and save my points for tomorrow.  I will talk to FB when I see him and one day we will have another good talk.   He is my friend and I love that.  For today, that will have to be good enough.   Nothing I can do about it.  He probably won’t be there tomorrow or Monday.  BUT, we will see.  Every day I think I won’t see him and then – HE IS THERE!!!! Nothing to worry about.   No where to go with this.  I still don’t why I am obsessing, but I am going to get ready to go now and if I figure something out you will be the first to know, ok?

Thanks for listening.

PS  I tried to edit this one but only got half through.  Sorry about that.  There’s alot in there, so bear with me.  No more coffee.  I still feel anxious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!