More About Obsessing………

9 Jun

6-9-12

Second post.  I removed some from my prior post because there was too much in it.  Since my earlier post, Jack has been really nice still.  He actually was nervous to tell me that he was falling in love with me and he didn’t know if that’s what I wanted. 

This is the way I always wanted him to be and instead, I am thinking about FB. 

It’s crazy, I mean, after all, I AM MARRIED!!!

I can fantasize but also have the security to go back to Jack when I feel too insecure.  I can’t REALLY get rejected since I am not available anyway.  AND,  I know if I actually fooled around it would basically be over with Jack.  I am a bad liar and I get too anxious when I am trying to hide something.   I would confess and there would be no trust left.  So, what do I think could possibly happen with FB anyway?  It makes no sense so what am I even obsessing about?   He has given me no indication of wanting anything but friendship or “sex with no strings.”  I think I’ll take the friendship thank you very much.  I would like the strings if you don’t mind!!!!

I have decided that I like to be on the left side of sex.  I like when they are pursuing and nice and giving a lot of attention.  Afterwards, you are just a conquest and the pursuit is over.  Well, that’s what it was like with SM anyway.  Afterwards, I only became a needy, attached, pathetic person who felt like I must have been REALLY BAD for him to have changed so much.  I am not interested in a repeat performance.  I was anxious, awaiting his texts, horny as hell, and a complete mess.  If I didn’t hear from him I was depressed and frankly dead in spirit.  It’s not like I wanted a future with him, but I NEEDED the attention or I felt like I was “old, fat and ugly.”   When he texted, I felt like a “hot sexy chick.”   

I was completely dependent on his attention.  I was addicted to it.  If I didn’t get it, I became depressed.   I was just SO ATTACHED that it ALMOST wasn’t worth it.  Not quite though.  He woke up my inner “hot sexy chick” and that was definately worth the unpleasantness.

This actually turned on Jack.  While he should have been pissed and was for a while, he realized that he had not been paying any attention to me.  This also happened in his first marriage.  The first wife ended up fooling around with one of his friends.

He has started taking testerone.  It has certainly changed him and made him actually want sex.  Apparently that brings back your libido.  He really didn’t have one for all those years.  He had no interest in me or sex.  So, what do I do about this?  We will see.  For right now I am not going anywhere, but enjoying the attention and that he is trying to do all the things I have complained about throughout the years.  It is actually quite nice.

If I didn’t have a thing for FB, it would be perfect.  One day at a time.  That is my new motto.

Thanks for listening.  Chad coming over to show me his paper. 

 

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