14 Jun


I just need to vent.  I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense.  I am about to explode. 

Yesterday we went to an account which was somebody else’s account.  I said I would give 30%.  Jack and another guy were telling me she didn’t deserve anything.   I just sent her an email telling her we were going back.  Got her email too late.  I feel like I am in the middle of many ass holes and my head feels like it is exploding.  I didn’t give her exactly 30% but I will after tomorrow. 

I hate when Jack gives me his fucking 2 cents.  He fucking wastes his time and isn’t out there making money.  I don’t feel he is a real man right now and supporting his family.  I feel like I am a loser as well. 

FB says everyone has problems.  Fuck you.  I tried to joke with SM and he wouldn’t let me put a cold bottle on his neck.  What the fuck is wrong with everyone?  I am starting to go down the tubes.  Patty is back and it feels like everything I do is fucking wrong.  I fucking hate Jack and the other guy who was fucking telling me how great he is and making it seem like I don’t know what I am doing.  It really brings me down – causes me to doubt myself.  Why should I think that everyone else is right? 

It ruins me to doubt myself.  It really does.  I am not going to listen to Jack.  He tells me not to tell the girl but then tells me that there is going to be trouble.  He is fucking lucky that I am putting stuff in his name.  If I leave him I will be screwed, and today I feel like leaving.  I want to go live in a cave.  FB has been there every morning this week. I wonder when he is working his night shifts.  He was very angry today about an old girlfriend and how he gets blamed for everything. 

It is weird.  I am so stressed right now that I better figure out what I am doing.  I am listening to the wrong ass holes.  I know what is right.  I shouldn’t ever listen to them.  Fucking Jack is “working out” at 11:00 AM.  What a fucking loser.  I hate him.  I hate him.  I hate him.  I have to make enough money to be able to be independent.  I don’t think this is the right business for me.     I just want to live in a cave and not have to talk to anyone.  FUC K THE WORLD.

I HATE EVERYONE!!  I need some vitamin B to calm me down.   Gotta go.

Later – 1:36 PM

I escaped my house before rather than let one of my associates see me.  I went to the library, returned some books, selected some others, got gas, and went to Trader Joe’s.   I made sure he was gone before I came home.  I did damage control on my issue above by telling my state and regional coordinators that my mistake was in listening to Jack and the other guy.  I have to do the right thing.  I am sorry for the continuous swearing, BUT FUCK THEM!!!

It is my fault for allowing them to mess with my head, but still, I can still be mad, right?  In the meantime I texted SM because I was messing with him and he wasn’t amused.  Of course he turned it perverted, but that’s what makes texting with him fun.

Meanwhile, FB was ranting and raving about his old girlfriend.  He had met the ex-husband of the girl, who he thought was nice.  He kept looking for him.  He said that she was on drugs, and often when he would call home, she wouldn’t be there and it drove him crazy.  Then her mother blamed him.  He “was tired of being blamed for everything.”  Take some responsibility.  That’s part of the program. 

Then, as he’s walking away, he says something about “my kind.”  I said, what are you talking about?  He said, my kind with manners and ………..  I told him to fuck off.  He smiled.  I said, here’s what kind are like – FUCK YOU ASS HOLE!!!  He started smiling.  He actually seemed happy after that so I have a whole fantasy about him.    Because of his schedule he said he needed someone he could trust.  Oh well.   Anyway, enough about me!!!  Kidding.  This is all about me because it’s MINE.  If you want it to be about you, write your own!!!

I think there’ s more.  I called my resumes and now I am out so I am giving myself a break.  Nothing I do really makes a difference anyway.   I have not had a recruit even with all these damn calls, so who cares?  Today I still have a bad attitude, but I am getting better. 

Tonight Sybil graduates from middle school.  I will be bringing my tissues even though I am currently in denial.  One of her friends died tragically last summer and I just realized her mother won’t be there.  Can’t imagine the pain she must still be in.  So freaking sad.

Well, I am back to fantasizing about FB.  I had stopped for a minute or two.  Today we ellipticalled together.  I get ten minutes before he switches, usually.  Then I lost him.  I don’t know what it is – I think he is responsible, tough, manly, tells it like it is, no bullshit.  Refreshing.  Don’t tell Jack.  Jack is on my shit list right now.  I am taking the day loosely.  I have to make some calls.  I better get to it, although I may have a BOB session and quick nap before my meeting shows up.  Texting SM always gets me that way.  I just sent him question marks because he didn’t respond to my last message – it was obnoxious, but that’s me!!!!!!




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