It’s Saturday Night and I Ain’t Got Nobody…….Well, Sort of…..

6-16-12

I have switched to rum and I definately have a heavy hand.  My corona lights are a thing of the past.  So sad……See two blogs ago for the tragic point awareneness.

Tonight I am now eating peanuts and raisins – my favorites – I have not done any work today – I finished a book and I am half way through another.  I am definately sunburnt.  I love being tan.

I saw a guy at the gym – no FB – who was in the class ahead of me at high school – I told him he should crash our reunion like we did theirs last year – it was fun – the friendliest he has ever been.  I emailed his friend with the information. 

I told him about the work guys who were admiring mybutt – he thought they were strangers – that would not be as big of news as my work guys – one being head of our state, but how could he know that?  Anyway, he said, well I was watching your butt too.  “Yes, I say, with my hand clenching like yes.  For 53?  I rock somewhere.  My gym pants are definately a hit.  I wish I had regular clothes that rocked my butt as well.  And to think, I used to only be known for my boobs.  Times are changing.  They are ok with the right bra, but naked, well, as Joan Rivers calls them, “Flop Bags.”     No, I am sorry, it was (Kelly Lee Gifford), no……Kathy Lee Gifford who named them that in her book.  It was Joan Rivers who said she wore a “36 Long” bra.  That is still one of my favorite lines. 

I definately have a good buzz going on.  Sybil wants to do something and I am, quite frankly, ready for bed.  It is quite pathetic, but true.  I live for my workouts and not overeating and if I go to sleep I am safe.   I can read, be horizontal, no one usually bothers me, and I am not eating anymore. I have not done my points yet today since the afternoon and I’m not sure I have any left. 

Today step class was really fun.  I am getting to know the girls.  I like it.  DH was there for a while and sort of watching the class.  When I ignore him or have other interests, he pays more attention.  Fuck him.  He had his chance.  He was my destiny just a year a go.    He would get close and then remember I was married.  Well, how admirable, except he was apparently fooling around at least two times.  So, Mr. Lily White?  I don’t think so.

My fantasy with FB was getting out of control.  Today I had to remember that he has a dog.  He has issues with substances and could always go back.  I forget what else.  Hair weird without his hat.  Kind of guido.  It is just my attempt to get less attached.   He is definately my escape.  I was texting SM the other day and he definately is not a comfort.  He is always about sex, his penis, or whether he is the biggest.  I mean, really, it is fun, but do we have any depth whatsoever?

Speaking of deep, I don’t know if FB is deep either.  He seems to be a good listener, but how smart is he really?  I mean he seems it to me on some level, but I’m not sure.  He seems to have a chip on his shoulder by saying “my kind”.  Fuck you, man.  That makes me think he is low class.  I know he is a rebel.  I think that is what attracts me to him………….

Just checked points – none left.   Resigned about money but not in a bad way.  I realize that there is nothing I can do except make money.  We had a great week and it was because of an account that I set up, not JACK.  Rock on.  I had help, but who cares?  I need to bring the state guy again.  We rocked it.

I am in a little trouble in a New York account, don’t want to incriminate myself, but Jack is being very helpful.    I can’t deal with it.    Mom is talking to me right now – I am trying to pay attention.     I feel guilty writing…..let’s take a break. 

OK, I’m back.  The bottom line is that I still fantasize about FB which is good because I am over SM mostly and DH is a thing of the past, so I CAN MOVE ON!!!  I know that it helps me deal with our deal of money.  I know that Jack is basically a loyal person and takes care of me in some ways and I know that life would be harder being alone.  What I am missing is passion and a REAL sex life?  Is that so important?  I don’t know.  What he has going for him is that we are already together, we have kids and a home together and he is a known quantity.  Would FB be a good person?  I don’t really know.  I don’t know anything about him except that we couldn’t have a drink together.  I love that he shared himself with me and trusted me.  I love looking for him in the mornings at the gym.  BUT, does he even like me at all?  No clue.  It is probably all in my mind like it was with DH and SM.  I think this might be Jack.  Yes it is.  Gotta go.

I think for now I am better off staying put with crushes, but that is just this hour.  Things change rapidly in my mind.  Gotta go.  Thanks for listening.  Don’t want to get caught “writing.”     Not editting.