6-16-12
Father”s Day – Had a great time with my Dad. It pains me to watch him walk. He looks so old. I know I am lucky to have him but it freaks me out that he could die at any time ( I guess any of us could, really). He has been through his third kind of cancer and the treatments have, frankly, ruined his hearing and his body, but…..we are lucky that he is still here. I know that but at the same time, it rips my heart out.
I know I am lucky – my mom is amazing and my dad is still here. I wrote a poem for my dad and for Jack. The one for my dad was very much appreciated. The one for Jack was about him being a father – I did not say what I couldn’t. Anything about him being a husband. I just couldn’t go there. He said something about evidence after I read it and it pissed me off. I don’t know what he meant. I mean, if we are getting divorced? If so, why am I putting all my business in his name? For a contest we won’t win? Fucking win it yourself ass hole. Why am I giving it to him?
I guess because I am either stupid or nice or both.
Meanwhile, I had a great time at the gym,. Did my two Sunday classes. Sweated like a pig. DH was outside wandering. Fuck him. I didn’t even look at him. AND, I told SM I wouldn’t touch him after the cold bottle incident. I didn’t wish anyone a Happy Father’s Day. Fuck ’em all. Can you tell I’ve been drinking?
I really had a nice night. My sister was here and my parents and my mother in law and my dad’s friend, Ed. We have been hoping that Ed and Lorraine would get together. My mother in law is Lorraine. Ed actually insisted on driving her home. We were thrilled. Plus, my sister was fun.
YEAH!! Meanwhile, FB today was in rare form today. He had done CPR on a 60 year old dead man. They were in town on vacation and FB is an EMT. He said it was very tough. The guy was dead already. I asked what the family was doing and he said that the wife was screaming the whole time. That really sucks. For everyone. He said that is why the police and fireman are fucked up. I said, I can understand.
I said do you need to talk to someone and he said there were people there to talk to, but that was why he was talking to me. I said I don’t judge and that is when he said, “that is why you are a good friend.”
OK, while I want to be a good friend, that is not all I want to be. Why? I ask. I don’t want to be just a friend. So, I guess that was a blow off. BUT, you say, you are married, why do you care? I don’t know, I just do. He is my fantasy. He needs to love me to have the fantasy work. I love that we are “friends”, but only if we can end up together in happily ever after. I guess it is better than just “being fucked” like SM, although, he is still friendly.
I guess I want passion, friendship, trust, and financial freedom. I want to like the person. I want them to love me and think I am great. I want to love them and think they are great. So, I’m glad he thinks I am a good friend. I think I told that to Steve, but that’s because I won’t have sex with him. He is a great friend and I treasure his friendship, but with FB, I want more. Yes I am unavailable, but in my fucked up mind, it shouldn’t matter. I can’t quite untangle that one, but it has to do with my needs and what I am not getting here and now.
I have definately had too much wine. I just have this thing for FB, but, I had it before for DH and SM, so it’s ok. I will move on. I just love looking into his eyes. He is so intense. I love his commitment to working out. The way he has his thing that he does. He is disciplined and does his thing. I was a little of the geisha girl today. When he gets mad because he can’t find what he is looking for I leave. We were talking about when he could stop doing CPR and he couldn’t find his piece of equipment and so I walked away. I did what I had to do.
Then, I found him again and he was doing his exercise and I was standing over him. He opened his eyes and looked at me. It was kind of embarassing for me, but, I just followed him around while he talked. I just love to hear about his life. It is fascinating. Oh well. That’s how I feel right now.
When he saw me initially, he smiled. That’s how I know he is happy to see me if only as a friend. That’s ok. If I make someone feel good, that is a blessing. For both of us.
Chad had to go to a friends and I didn’t want to drive him because I had too much wine. Jack is taking him. He is going to sleep over. Sybil still has school tomorrow. She is done on Wednesday. I don’t know what to do with them after that. Sybil seems to be happy on the computer with her ear phones on and I don’t know what she is doing. I just asked her – she is getting album covers for Itunes. OK……..
One last story and I am definately not editting this. I was on a conference call on my birthday and I could see my little sister was calling me. I put the conference call on hold and switched to my sister. We were talking and as we hung up and I said, Love You……Well, unbeknownst to me, she had already hung up so the “love you” came onto the conference call people. One of the guys, said, Love You Too. I was so embarassed that I hung up on the call. When I called back, we all realized that we didn’t have one that week. I shrunk with embarassment and didn’t say a word. Very funny.
Ok – Happy Father’s Day to EVERYONE!!! Gotta go. Too much wine. Hope I don’t have the spins.
Thanks for listening.
tiredoffeelingbad 
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