Reality? Not for me, let’s go with…………………

18 Jun


At home making resume calls.  I am out on my deck in the nice cool summer weather.   I am really thinking of FB today for some reason.  I guess because he shared himself yesterday.  Today I told him that I couldn’t stop thinking about that family.  He said, I wouldn’t believe the things they see – decapitations, etc.   I said I really didn’t want to believe that but I didn’t say why.  I guess because it is so sad and gross and hard to imagine having to witness.

After that I went into my class and he was outside but to me it seemed like he was watching me.  Probably in my head, like it was with DH, but, it my mind it is enough to fuel an entier future together with True Love.    What the _________ is wrong with me?  I guess I have read too many books with happy endings, but I’ll tell you, it sure beats the shit out of reality.   In my fantasy, there are no bills, no problems, and a guy who is hot who truly loves me.  It is perfect.

So, why shouldn’t I think about him?  Why deal with real life?   I’ve got numbers to hit, bills to pay with no money. people to help that I am not helping, a potential situation where I could get fired.  and a husband who wants to make it work but ignored me for so long that I don’t know if I can trust him again.

The weirdest thing  just happened.  There was a black bird that was really close to me for a long time.    I think it was the little girl that died last year.  I was talking to it and it came really close.  I know it sounds crazy, but that is my instincts.  I don’t know if I should tell the mother.  She might just think I’m crazy.   I’ll sleep on it and see if he/she hangs around.  The bird was here yesterday.  For all I know it could have baby eggs on our roof.  Who knows?  BUT, I started crying when I was talking to the bird.  Is that weird?  I don’t know.

Anyway, even though my legs hurt, I want to go back for step tonight.  I am really close to knowing this routine and it makes it really fun.  It is a little crazy, but I want to do it anyway.  I better sign off.

I will be thinking of my “true love” the whole time.  It beats reality as I say, and if he doesn’t really feel that way, it kind of doesn’t matter.  I am safe in my own little world.  Much better than having to really deal with them, like with SM.  That was torture.  This is all good!!!!!

Thanks for listening.  More later if I have time.




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