Why Can’t I have the Fantasy with my Own Husband? Good Question

19 Jun

6-19-12

I have a half hour until I have to take Sybil and her friend to cheerleading.  I went to weight watchers and I am trying to focus on the good, but I still am frustrated and want to either cry or scream.  I freaking stayed the same.  How can that be?  I stopped drinking my corona lights and everything.  On any day except freaking Tuesday, I am two pounds lower.  On Tuesdays, the scale jumps up.

Now, since I went to Jamaica where we had unlimited food and drink, my birthday, and Father’s Day, I am only up one pound.  Is that good or should I commit seppukku?  I am not sure.  I am trying to stay positive, but…….since last August I am up five freaking pounds.  The leader was saying she lost 35 pounds slow – IN ONE YEAR!!!!

I am more than two years and stuck at 25.4 pounds.  Compared to the people that gained their weight back it is good.  Compared to where I was it is good.  BUT, compared to where I want to be it has gone in the wrong direction. 

[I am really tired right now and want to close my eyes but I will keep going…..]

My right leg sometimes gives me a sharp pain like the muscle of the calf is messed up.    I went to the gym early, came home to see Sybil for her last day of school, and then went back to the gym.  I am feeling a little like an ass hole.  i am doing stupid things in my mind – staying in the sun without sunscreen and overexercising.  I am addicted to the gym.  I have to say.  I am also addicted to my “love” fantasies.  I realize it is the feeling of being in love with someone who loves you back (if only in my mind) that gives me a high.

FB was not there today.  That’s really why I went back, but he was not there later either.  I don’t know if I left too early or if he skipped a day.    Makes me think I have to get over him for some reason, but I don’t know why.

I was wondering why I can’t have this fantasy about being in love with Jack.  I really don’t want to.  I think I know him too well and there are too many things that bug me.  It is an interesting question.  Why can’t I have a real life fantasy with someone I am already legally bound to?  I don’t know.  I am not attracted to him anymore.  I turned that off when he was not interested in sex with me for so many years.  I used to be.  It just hurt too much to have someone SO NOT INTERESTED.  Now we realize it was his low testerone that affected his libido.  H e just wasn’t interested in girls I think.  Or so he says.  He was like a dead man.

But, I don’t think he is funny, sometimes he’s not nice, he’s retarded (excuse me on the spectrum) about money, and I think he talks to much and doesn’t listen.  Are these real reasons?  I don’t know, but I will think about it.  For now, I need to close my eyes before I have to drive.  I will write more later.

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