6-19-12
I have a half hour until I have to take Sybil and her friend to cheerleading. I went to weight watchers and I am trying to focus on the good, but I still am frustrated and want to either cry or scream. I freaking stayed the same. How can that be? I stopped drinking my corona lights and everything. On any day except freaking Tuesday, I am two pounds lower. On Tuesdays, the scale jumps up.
Now, since I went to Jamaica where we had unlimited food and drink, my birthday, and Father’s Day, I am only up one pound. Is that good or should I commit seppukku? I am not sure. I am trying to stay positive, but…….since last August I am up five freaking pounds. The leader was saying she lost 35 pounds slow – IN ONE YEAR!!!!
I am more than two years and stuck at 25.4 pounds. Compared to the people that gained their weight back it is good. Compared to where I was it is good. BUT, compared to where I want to be it has gone in the wrong direction.
[I am really tired right now and want to close my eyes but I will keep going…..]
My right leg sometimes gives me a sharp pain like the muscle of the calf is messed up. I went to the gym early, came home to see Sybil for her last day of school, and then went back to the gym. I am feeling a little like an ass hole. i am doing stupid things in my mind – staying in the sun without sunscreen and overexercising. I am addicted to the gym. I have to say. I am also addicted to my “love” fantasies. I realize it is the feeling of being in love with someone who loves you back (if only in my mind) that gives me a high.
FB was not there today. That’s really why I went back, but he was not there later either. I don’t know if I left too early or if he skipped a day. Makes me think I have to get over him for some reason, but I don’t know why.
I was wondering why I can’t have this fantasy about being in love with Jack. I really don’t want to. I think I know him too well and there are too many things that bug me. It is an interesting question. Why can’t I have a real life fantasy with someone I am already legally bound to? I don’t know. I am not attracted to him anymore. I turned that off when he was not interested in sex with me for so many years. I used to be. It just hurt too much to have someone SO NOT INTERESTED. Now we realize it was his low testerone that affected his libido. H e just wasn’t interested in girls I think. Or so he says. He was like a dead man.
But, I don’t think he is funny, sometimes he’s not nice, he’s retarded (excuse me on the spectrum) about money, and I think he talks to much and doesn’t listen. Are these real reasons? I don’t know, but I will think about it. For now, I need to close my eyes before I have to drive. I will write more later.
tiredoffeelingbad 
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