This is How the Trouble Began…………………..

20 Jun

6-19-12 Second entry

I remember why I strayed the first time.  I am alone in the house on a beautiful night.  Sybil is at a party.  I haven’t heard from her and she was supposed to let me know when she got there.  Is she alive?  I hope so.

Jack and Chad went to hockey.  They ran out of here without a consideration about me.  My first thought was…….I am alone, too bad it is over with SM.  Too bad I don’t even know FB’s number.  It’s not that I want sex with them, it is that I want someone to care about me.  Someone to want to do things with.  Having someone home on the computer or watching tv is not my idea of sharing a life.

Last night I slept on the couch.  I couldn’t sleep because Jack was kicking me in his dream and making all sorts of noises.  Then FB wasn’t at the gym.  It made me sad.  When I went back DH was there and it was sort of like old times, but I didn’t even feel like talking to him.

The thing about FB is his eyes.  I feel like there is a soul there that is real.  That we could talk, but, in reality, he talks and I listen.  I am ok with listening, but I want to find somebody that is actually interested in what I have to say.  There is a guy from high school who is coming now.  He said that whenever he comes, I am there.  Is that a bad thing?  I don’t think I’m always there.  Am I overexercising?  Probably.

I am really pissed about weight watchers, but I suppose if I didn’t drink so much I might lose weight.  BUT, you would think that the exercise would counteract it.  Guess not. 

Oh,  who the fuck cares about the scale anyway?  I am what I am and I am on my second glass of wine.  I have switched from beer since my corona lights are 4 points.  That really pisses me off but it is saving me a lot of money.

I feel like a fat old boring loser who has no friends and nothing to do.  I am here in the dark drinking my wine in my very large birthday glass.  Sarah called to ask about the spam that my email sent out without my knowledge.  I guess she is only concerned about her computer.  Thanks for asking about me, bitch.  Just kidding.  She is a little bit of a worry wart.

I want to go to bed but I think I should find out what Sybil is doing.  I feel bad, but don’t know what to do.  I am really tired.  The 4:30’s have caught up to me.  Tomorrow I don’t have to leave for the school bus.  I can get there early.  I need to leave about 7:15 and I only have cardio, abs and some extraneous machines like the sex machine – ad and abductor.  Planking is 15 minutes, cardio for an hour if my leg can handle it, extraneous plus abs could be 15, that is an hour and a half.  Add in 15 minutes for talking and if I get there at 5:30 I would be good.  Wow, an extra 40 minutes of sleep.

I can sleep on the way to New York tomorrow.  Then I can avoid talking to Jack.  My hormones must be kicking in.  I feel absolutely miserable.  I don’t know if I got my period in Jamaica.  I was cramping and very lightly spotting, but never got it.  SO, am I expecting it or not?  I don’t know but things look awfully bleak.  I guess I feel that I have no right to be cranky given the life that FB leads, but that is not helping me. 

Ok – so how am I really feeling………IRRELEVANT.  That everyone can leave without thinking about me.  TOTALLY irrelevant.  FB had said that he would call home when he was working when one of his girlfriends lived there and he would be totally crazy that she would be out.  If I was out, Jack wouldn’t even notice or care.

I want to be noticed and cared for.  I want someone to say, hey, don’t you need to take care of your leg?  Why are you so sunburned?  Why are you drinking so much?  Why?  I guess I just want someone who is aware of me.  Someone who notices and cares.

Why am I married?  Because I am afraid not to be.  Why do I exercise?  Because it is something that I can do that I enjoy and makes me feel good.  Why do I drink?  Because it numbs me.

Why would I want someone to come over?  So I could pretend to be loved and cared about at least for a short time.  It would really not just be for the sex if at all.  I wish FB could hang here with me so he knows what I am talking about when I say my deck.  I love my deck.  It is absolutely a peaceful place to be.

Well, I am going up to read and sleep.  I pray that Sybil is ok and that she will let me know where she is.  I am not going to have this go on all summer.  No way.

Thanks for listening.  I am not editting anymore.  It is too hard and not fun.


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