Being “THE ONE” – Why Do I Need this Fantasy?”

12 Jul

7-12-12

Back in a funk when I was doing so well.  I was talking to FB today about a variety of things, and when a specific girl was coming towards us he said:  “I am so in love with her.  I just fantasize about all the things I would do to her…..”  And he proceeded to tell me what he would do.  I said “well, why don’t you go out with her?” 

“I am too old,”. 

“Have you talked to her?”

“No.”

“I can introduce you to her.”

“No.”

He continued to describe his fantasy and said he was getting aroused and I should walk away so I did.  I did my ab work feeling like a fat, old and ugly hag.  Now, this is interesting since what he was saying wasn’t even about me.

I actually had a long, long talk with Jack about it. [I am making calls as I type so I am losing my train of thought, but since, I was highly unproductive today, I need to feel better about doing SOMETHING!!!]

So, we discussed alot about all my relationships.  It seems that I want to be “The One” for someone.  That works in a fantasy that is not associated with reality because I can make the whole thing up.  According to Jack, that is “an affair” since I am emotionally involved even if it is not real, but whatever, that is not the point of my inquiry.  His poit is that it removes me from him in our marriage.  Yes, I said, that was the point.  You were removed for 16 years and after Halloween, a year and a half ago, I removed myself.

Well, now Jack has connected and is being quite fabulous.  He ordered a program on having an extraordinary relationship and also how to please a woman sexually which is quite awesome – miraculous, even.  That is what I wanted for years – for him to reconnect, so it is ironic that now that he is connected, I am having a hard time coming back.  That’s why I am writing – to figure out what is in the way.

Back to FB – so, he was my fantasy in terms of I was his “the one”, but knowing that that other girl is HIS fantasy, just sends me to the left.  I am old, fat and ugly, can’t be successful at work, bad mother, lazy ass, lethargic and who cares about anything.  I am not drinking my water, but instead, an iced coffee which is NOT what I said I would do. 

It’s not REALLY that I wanted FB, it’s that I NEEDED to be THE ONE for somebody.  When SM wanted me, it was a real rush and euphoric time for me.  I liked and needed the feeling of being attractive to someone, especially after Jack made it clear that it did not “occur” for him to have sex with me.  Being wanted was a great feeling that I wanted more of. 

When he turned to LL, I found a new “the one”.  With the thought that I am desired or wanted comes a sexual attraction for me.  BUT, it can also turn off like it did for DH.  I know longer lust for DH which is fascinating since a year ago I was convinced we were “soul mates” and meant to be together.  The good news is that the guy doesn’t really matter.  I can “imprint” on different people, but it seems that I can only really have eyse for one MAIN one at a time.  Because if they/I am the one, how could there be two?

So, now that FB has “shown his hand”, I guess it is time to move on.  Could I imprint on Jack?  Could he be the one?  I guess I would have to be safe, but it is almost embarassing to think that way.  Like it is a childish concept that plays out in fantasy, but not in real life.  Interesting.

Well, we will see.  When Jack accuses me of altering my schedule for these people, he is right.  I do change my movements based on my crush at the time.  It is part of needing some contact, albeit it a hi or wave will suffice.  It’s not real contact.  It is just enough to keep the fantasy alive. 

With DH, at times he was a downright ass hole, telling me to get away or leave him alone.  He says he was kidding, but I don’t think so.  BUT, in the fantasy, you can rationalize anything.  It is pretty fucked up, I must say.  BUT, I guess I needed it.  I was ADDICTED to it as I am sure FB is, since he has an addictive personality.  Probably everyone in the gym does, since they are there most days.   He is alot like me, which is probably why I singled him out – angry, obsessive, fantasizes, passionate, moody, and honest to a fault.  BUT, two alikes would probably kill each other.  So, it was dumb, but fulfilled the fantasy requirement since nothing could happen with him. 

I had to write today since I was so fucked up about this.  I need to look more into why I need to be “the one.”  I guess since I am not lovable, I need to be seen as “special.”  If I am not at least special for a short time to someone, I whither away and become invisible and miserable and alone and worthless and Patty comes and beats on me until I just want to go to sleep.

I see it with Missy.  If she has a guy pursuing her or of interest, she is on a high.  Once he is gone, she dies and won’t leave her house or be productive.  It is more manic than my swings, but they physically and mentally affect her.

Why do I need someone at all?  Good question.  But then I become an independent bitch who doesn’t need anyone so I don’t know if I have a happy medium.  I will look.  Why is my mood dependent on what “THEY” do?  Good question.  I will have to look at that. 

On a side note:  I am not getting on the scale and it is really hard.  It’s like I need to see how I am doing or I feel like panicking.  I guess the scale does determine how I eat which is probably why whenever it goes down, I eat and it goes back up on Mondays.  Fucked up, man.

Alot of times when I think I am hungry I am actually thirsty.  The water trick is working a little.  Not 100% of the time, but sometimes.  I didn’t realize how thirsty I am. 

TRAINING

On a training for the triathlon note:  I ran 2 miles yesterday, rode 6 on the stationary bike, and did a spinning class today for an hour.  I will have to swim either tonight or tomorrow.  I know my hair was a mess today when I saw FB and that is what I am thinking turned him to the big boobed skinny bitch.  (She actually is not a bitch, but…….)

I did swim 34 laps the other day which is over a half mile, so I seem to be getting more in shape to do this thing.  Tomorrow I will run, like it or not.  My legs were killing me today when I got to the gym and the spinning seemed to work them out which is fantastic.

OK, I think that’s enough.  If you are reading this, Jack, don’t wake me up in the middle of the night, please!!!!!!!!  This is my process and I think I am making very good progress.

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