7-17-12
Making calls so this may be a little disjointed. I am not writing as much since the “new Jack” has emerged. For one I am afraid of him reading it, but I am going to get over that. It helps for me to be honest because in life I am obviously not. There is a lot that I think that I wouldn’t be comfortable saying to most people that are close to me, so this is a good outlet. I can say things here that I can’t say anywhere else or that I don’t even know I need to say. It just comes out my fingers.
So,……it’s been a miraculous shift since last week. After FB told me he was in love with this young girl and described his sexual fantasy with her in more detail than I cared to hear, I had to detach from him almost immediately. Needless to say, I was quite disturbed and wanted to figure out why. I don’t really know him so how could I have “imagined” a life with him. I had this whole fantasy figured out as I had with DH as well. We were “soul mates” and meant to be together, blah, blah, blah in my mind. (Don’t take into account he mostly didn’t talk to me and any conversation with him was because I made it happen. He was always so consumed with his work out that it wasn’t always fun to talk to him anyway if truth be told. But, those details obviously didn’t factor into the fantasy.)
Basically, what I realized was that I was supposed to be his fantasy, not her. She was young and fresh faced and I became automatically back to “old, fat and ugly.” How could I have thought I was his fantasy? Just because he said I was “special” once? Just because he smiled at me occassionally? Just because he had a great body?
The obvious answer is yes. That was all it took. For someone to be nice to me and smile at me and have “sharing” conversations with me. A while ago he had told me he liked to watch my ass. Not recently at all, but as I was desperate for compliments, I held onto them and nurtured them and grew them in my mind. All it took was a smile or a hi and that compliment grew and grew in my mind until subconsciously I became “the one” in his mind according to my need for fantasy.
I was very disturbed that day about his “being in love” with someone else. I had to look and see why it bothered me so much. I even brought it up to Jack without telling him HOW much it bothered me.
Jack and I had a long conversation where we actually reviewed many of my boyfriends from my single days. I realized in this conversation that the fantasy is about someone thinking I am “the one.” Not that I think that they are “the one,” but that they think I am “the one”. This was a huge discovery. I would stay with a guy in the wonderful first phase of the relationship when they worshipped me and were nice and wonderful, but as soon as they would express any kind of annoyance or negativity about something about me, they were out. I didn’t understand the mechanism then, but it became clear as we talked.
As soon as they said something negative, I would get rid of the guy. I would trade him in and replace him with someone else. I never knew why, but now it makes sense. If they were being critical or expressing annoyance with me, I couldn’t be “the one” for them in my mind. I couldn’t pretend that they thought I was the one.
In this case, if FB was “in love” with this girl, which first of all is bull shit since he’s never talked to her, but if he is, I would be hard pressed to pretend I am the one. Right?
I didn’t discuss all this with Jack, partly because I hadn’t figured it all out a that time, but I had noticed that Jack had changed for the better. He was more patient with me, kept asking what he could do to help me, wanted to spend time with me, said he missed me, and was checking with me when he scheduled stuff.
At first it was just annoying because I didn’t trust him, but then he started telling me about these programs that he wanted to buy. I originally told him that he should look at them for himself. I just wasn’t interested. I was still hung up on my fantasy life. I didn’t want a life with Jack. I still looked like a prison. I wanted to be “THE ONE” for someone. I wanted passion, excitement and for them to love me just the way I am.
Meanwhile, Jack had ordered the programs and was listening to them. One deals deeply with sex and how to pleasure a woman. It goes over the diagram of a woman and how to please her. One of the most important things is that women’s minds are busy so you need to be patient and allow them to get into the mood. (They don’t just start off there except probably at the beginning of the relationship when they are completely crazy about the guy and sex starved!!!!!)
This patience has been very helpful. In the recent past since he has been taking testerone (which has also made a HUGE difference) if I had said I wasn’t in the mood or tired, Jack would get all pissy with me and we would just get into a fight. He would whine about how he would just never have sex again in his life. Now he is patient and gives me a massage to relax me and his job is “to please and pleasure me.” What could be bad about that? It’s hard to find fault with this program.
The other CD set is called “Marriage Fitness.” It talks about having love in your marriage. People get together based on “roles” which can change. How they look, where they work, how they wear their hair, etc. These things are not solid foundations. Basing a marriage on the core of the person instead has it last. I am simplifying it because my meeting is about to start. It’s a big deal meeting.
Anyway, Jack wants to make things work and said that I was his “soul mate” which he got from the CD. I realized that if Jack says I am the one, then I am getting my fantasy but in real life. Obviously there is more work to do, but I can be honest and vent and it’s ok. I just have to give him his love language which is words. Mine is quality time and being listened to. If we can do those things, it can work. There is a long way, but there is hope, which is very important.
On a funny note, last night Jack was into his computer and didn’t give me any attention. I was exhausted and had exercised my butt off and so I went upstairs to try to sleep. In my little trying to go to bed talk to myself, I started a pretend dialogue with FB. I had FB saying, I didn’t mean it, YOU are the one I am in love it. I was just trying to make you jealous. Of course she is too young and I was just kidding. It is really you that I fantasize about….. I actually started believing this for a few seconds……..why did I go back to the fantasy?………. I could see I needed to make myself feel better since Jack was preoccupied and wasn’t paying attention to me. Funny, huh? Icould go right back to the fantasy and make it my own version of reality in order to feel better and pretend I was “the one” for somebody. I find it very strange how the mind does things……
Anyway, gotta go., Meeting started. Thanks for listening…………
tiredoffeelingbad 
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