Can’t Think About Money – It is Freaking Me Out!!!!! Plus, Sybil Runs Away!!!!!

19 Jul

7-19-12

The money situation is horrible.  We are now into our checking plus and it is growing the debt by @ $300 a day.  We are now owing $2000 and it is freaking me out.  Jack is not booking appointments or writing business and so there is no money coming in in the foreseeable future.

I am trying to stay calm and it is very difficult.  If I think about it I get nervous, anxious and irritable.  I guess the thing is to not think about it.  If it turns and we can pay it off, great.  BUT, if it doesn’t turn the debt will just continue to grow.  The problem is that there is no money coming in.  Jack makes promises about delivering and so I feel better when I believe him, but when his promises are empty, it really freaks me out. 

If I try to tell him this, we get into a fight like last night.  It is too hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes and it is never a good thing.  I was going to meet him at another enrollment, and once again, there is no one at the place so I am not going.  This happened yesterday or the day before, too.  We think there will be business and there is not.

My premium sucks for another week in a row.  I am trying to motivate my people to make appointments.  Two out of four are doing something.  Jack and another woman are not succeeding.  I guess I better just focus on what I need to do which is recruit more new people and not worry about now.  Cleansing breaths………cleansing breaths…….

Today I talked to FB for a while.  We discussed addiction and what it was like to be on the drugs and get off them.  Very interesting.  I enjoy talking to him.  I don’t know why, I just do.  DH has his 40th reunion this weekend and I have my 35th.  Interesting.  SM and I don’t even look at each other which is fine.  Gotta go.

Later:

What a shitty day!!!  I told Jack that I couldn’t stand the fact that we were going into the line of credit at an attrocious rate with no money scheduled to come in.  “Don’t worry, I will book 6 appointments today.”  He wanted me to come with him so I did.  We went into a few places with nothing gained.  I started feeling physically ill so after that I stayed in the car.  I made my resume calls and also slept.  I just couldn’t stand it.  It makes me feel hopeless and devoid of energy.

Finally I asked him to take me home.  I drove Chad to a complimentary appointment with a college planner which was frightening to say the least.  Then I drove Sybil to her tumbling.  Apparently she was not a head case this time and actually enjoyed it.  I am concerned because if she starts going again, the fees will just expand the line of credit.  I HATE DEBT.  I REALLY FUCKING HATE IT!!!  Debt means that I am working to pay for what we already spent.  I don’t get to spend it on food or bills, forget about saving any in order to have a REAL LIFE!!!  It feels like I am sinking and drowning and going down a dark hole that I can’t get out of.  It is physically uncomfortable.

I started saying something to Sybil about did the tumbling place say anything and she just got bitchy.  “What is your problem?”  She always says that I am just miserable and want everyone else to be miserable.  Well, that’s a great way to interact with your mother, right?  So whatever I say that calls her to account for her rude, disrepectful, disobedient behavior gets turned back on me.  It is similar to the old Jack’s way of not being responsible for his actions.  Deflect, defend, and attack me so that I end up defending myself.  A shitty many years of me thinking I was the cause of all of our problems.  He would never account for what he said he was going to do.  He still doesn’t.  It’s like, “oh  well,”  if I said I was going to book 6 appointments, it was an intention, not a promise.

Well, I find this way difficult.   B UT, I no longer take on their accusations.  I told Sybil that she could not go out with her friends tonight as a consequence of her rudeness and disobedience.  Now, we never tell her that she can’t do something, but, the other night we had discussed that she must be in bed by midnight (I wanted 10:00 PM), without the computer.  When I got up at 1:00 AM, she was still up with the computer in her bed.  I told Jack that there needs to be a consequence for that.

Tonight was the consequence.  She told us she would not learn from this.  I thought she had gone in the other room, but ten minutes later I realized that she was gone.  I couldn’t find her anywhere.  She didn’t answer her phone or a text.   I started driving around the neighborhood.  When I returned, she was walking back to the house.  We told her that was a great way to say “fuck you.” 

What she said to me (and now denies), was that if someone says no to her, she will make them as miserable as she is.  That is true and she does this with expert prowess.   Skilled beyond belief.  She deflects everything and blames me for all of it.  “I don’t understand……etc.”

I am just tired of arguing.  Jack took Sybil to a concert downtown that I didn’t want to go to.  Sitting with bugs and crowds and being stuck is not my idea of fun.  I would rather type.  Our production is down, our money is negative, I was up on the scale, and I am only looking forward to going to the gym tomorrow.  

I had a great conversation with FB today.  I enjoy them.  When things are tough, it is nice to have a friend.  It is interesting to find out about someone else’s life and to be able to listen to someone else.  I know it is an escape, but things are very difficult right now.  I am on my third light beer.  My friends were going to text if they are going out, but I really just want to get into bed and read my book and save my going out for the weekend.  I just don’t want to talk to anyone right now.

I feel like a failure in all areas.  I have cramps like I have my period, but no period.  I guess that’s not a bad thing, but it is freaking me out that I might really never get it again.  I just want to eat and drink, but haven’t been that terrible considering what I could be.  Hold on, I am going to update my points………

Ok – I was zeroed today because I drank 3 beers instead of eating dinner.  Light beers – 11 points.  Plus, very spicy sweet potato fries that Jack made.  Oh, and two containers of brussel sprouts roasted in the oven.  0 points for the brussel sprouts.

So, I feel like I can’t do anything right.  I can’t lose weight, can’t make money, can’t relate to my child, can’t keep a clean house (I don’t really care about this one, just through it in to make the misery list longer), feel like I am being eaten by bugs in my own house, don’t like my new hair cut, can’t make a fucking appointment and don’t want to, don’t go the office, and just want to go read my book.

I guess tomorrow is another fucking day if we are lucky.  I am just frustrated, itchy, and feel like my beer gut is hanging over my pants.  I am going to go up and fantasize and read.  If Jack is reading this, you are on your own.  Don’t wake me up to accuse me of anything, I am too frustrated to defend myself. 

Last night I tried to be nice.  Jack was the adult when I was a fighting child, and I appreciated it, but tonight I am just too frustrated to be anything but asleep.  I guess I better finish my beer and go upstairs with the bugs that will follow the lights.   I suppose I could have eaten alot more.  I am trying to think if I didn’t record something.  Well, I will dream of a life with more money, less frustration, and more fun at home……..

I am sure there is more but………….thanks for listening.

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