Frustrated, Freaked Out, and Alienating My Family Members………AND, I Don’t Care….This is Not Good

20 Jul

7/20/12

35th High School reunion tonight.  I got on the scale and it was up.   I am feeling very fat.  The weather is cool and I wanted to wear a summer dress.  I will wear it anyway.    I am feeling like a big pooper.  I better drink some water to flush out the bloat and distention that I feel since I got on the fucking scale.

I am in the office.  I was venting this morning to Jack about our money situation and it didn’t go over very well.  Of course he took it personally and said I was calling him a failure which I was not.  I was merely saying that going against the line of credit without any cash coming in in the near future makes me very uncomfortable and stressed out. 

He doesn’t do what he says he is going to do which results in three weeks without any premium and so no cash.  Now we have let loose a few thousand in spending against the line of credit which I freaking hate.   He just came into the office.  I have put him into a paralyzed state which really is not good.   Now he doesn’t even know what to do.  I told him to call our regional boss since I am obviously the cause of his state. 

I feel bad, but I am too numb to care.  I know that my venting has this, but I we can’t go on not making any money.  So, if this is his best, we can’t continue with large gaps with no money and no savings.  This caused another blow up, but………..

LATER:

He was in the office with me and I think he left.  I seem to have that affect on people.  First Sybil and now Jack.  I just can’t seem to say the right thing so I am not going to.  I do feel alienated and not “in relationship” but I don’t care.  I think I am hormonal even though I didn’t get my period.  I have the cramps but not the rest, but I have that negative fuck you attitude about alot of things AND, the worst part is that I don’t care.  Fuck ’em, as my dad says.  I was just telling him how I felt.  It’s like the rest of the month I can handle things and be in denial, but when the hormones come for a visit, it’s like a truth serum and I can’t and don’t want to keep my mouth shut.

On a positive note, I am training for this triathlon and I did two spinning classes this week for the bike riding, and ran twice, today about 2.5 miles and all I need is 2 miles.  It is painful, but I am doing it anyway.  I watch the little mile register and as soon as I hit my goal, I slow that sucker right down to a walk.  I am quite slow, but all I want to do is finish.  I am not going to swim again until after the reunion.  It does a number on my hair.

I am quite tired and really do have to stop in the little girls room but I am afraid to leave the blog open for fear of big eyes.  Oh well, I just need to take a risk.  I may be the last one in the office today………..

I am not the last one.  Jack is in here and he’s freaking out.  I just don’t have the peace of mind to deal with this and, Jack, if you are reading this this, I apologize, but the more you don’t do, the less affinity I have.  That is correct.  That isn’t to say I can’t have it some other time, but right now, I am horrified at you.   On the one hand you are working so hard, and on the other hand, you don’t know what to do.    I give up, which is it? 

I feel cold, but, I have to self-protect.   This is going to get bad before it gets good.  Pray for me, world. 

At least I booked my 4 interviews for today.  I accomplished something.  I reached out to two associates and spent time with my other two.  Plus I motivated one to participate in the contest. 

Jack is back and this is not a good communication day.  I guess I better go eat crow or whatever I have to do to calm him down.  He says he is working so I can’t say that he is not.  I can’t say much right now.  I think I will just keep my mouth shut.  I guess he needs me to say something nice.  Very difficult right now.

I better go.

 

 

 

 

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