Firm Ass, I’ll Take It As Compensation!!!!!!!

7-25-12

Had a blast at my reunion.  I am still exhausted and it is Wednesday.  I can not even see straight.  I am at an enrollment and Jack is still working with an associate.  So, I am making use of the time.  I am ready to pass out.

It was so much fun at my 35th high school reunion over the weekend.  Since I was on the committee, it was even more rewarding to have it be so great.  It was a total bonding experience.  There were many people that I got to know that I had never really talked to during high school.  I danced, and drank and talked and laughed.  Friday night, Saturday night and all day Sunday at the beach.  I definately drank too much, and my eyes are looking really bad.  They have fluid bags underneath them.  This has happened before and I don’t know how to get rid of them, but eventually they go away.

As far as my triathlon training is going, I am too exhausted to think about it.  Yesterday I went to swim and only did 10 laps before they closed the pool.  They weren’t going to open for 30 minutes and even though I started to wait, I gave up and went home.  I was too hungry.  Last night Jack kept me up and even though I was exhausted, I let him have his way.  Today I am paying for it.  I can not keep my eyes open.  As soon as we get into the car I am going to close my eyes.  This is not good.  I got up at 5:05 to go to the gym.  I had no energy but stayed for two hours.  I did a spinning class even though I had to pee.  There was no water at the gym and so the toilets were not available.  Not a good situation.

I don’t feel like signing up for the triathlon.  I am just too tired right now.  I will wait for tomorrow.  I feel like I can’t back out since I told so many people.  That is why I told them.  I will wait until I can cope to sign up.  It is $45 which I don’t have right now.

Jack and I have been fighting alot since my reunion.  He said it seemed like there was a perpetration.  I defended myself but realized that I did have one.  It’s a long story, but……..in second grade a boy asked me to marry him.  I got in trouble when I yelled “WHAT?” just after the teacher had said to stop talking……..

Part of me never forgot it.  I didn’t see the boy until high school since we moved shortly after that.   We never spoke.  Well, guess who was at the reunion?  Yes, the very same boy who I will name Luke.  I told Luke that every time I ever heard his name I had an automatic response:  Luke X asked me to marry him in second grade.  I never forgot it. 

He kind of had a funny reaction like well, I had my chance didn’t I or something like that.  I talked to him sporadically throughout the night.  He was very withdrawn and more of an observer, but later that night we hung out together at the bar and he bought me some (unneeded) beers.  I was talking to someone else and he was behind me.  He said he admired my butt and started feeling it.  My perpetration was that I let him.  I didn’t like him, per se, but it was some kind of needed attention from my absent prince from second grade.  It was like a little boy telling a little girl that he would come back for her and never coming.  A part of her always waits.  I don’t know why since I never knew him, but still…….I enjoyed feeling admired by him.  I work hard at the gym and I enjoyed him saying that I had a firm ass.

He wanted to take me home, but I thought he was too drunk and I didnt want to die.   I was fine saying goodbye to him.  He was a little too strange for me.  I felt like it was some sort of closure and that I got to reject him after the little girl waited for so long……not really, but….sort of.  I can’t quite articulate it, but he was such a strong memory that I think it must have affected my feelings of being unlovable in a big way.  Still thinking it through.  I know it’s not rational, but what is? 

But, today I told Jack about it since I think I felt like I was a bad, bad girl and it was affecting our relationship.  I told him why I did it and I think he sort of understood.  I am not proud of it.  I was definately leading the poor guy on, but, on some level I wanted to feel admired by him and to feel special.  I know it’s not nice.  I suppose when I need to be admired in the gym it is sort of leading people on as well.  But, think about SM.  He needs to draw in and seduce women, and then he withdraws.  I suppose we all have our methods to get what we need, even though it is not always kind to the person overall.