Not Getting What I Want

My mother and I were getting dinner made for us on Mother’s Day by my son and my ex.  It was very nice of them to offer.  My mother-in-law had passed away a year ago so we include my ex-husband, Mark, in our family functions.  Some people think it odd, but we still have the kids together and we are still friends.  We get along better now then when we were married, so it’s easier to just “be a family” for the kids.

“We will be making corned beef and cabbage,” Mark told me.

Shit, I thought.  Corned beef is delicious but it has too many weight watcher points for me.  I’d rather use my points on wine and chips.  Do I say something? Or do I silently suffer? I was driving up 95 to my beach cottage, wondering what I should do.

“Well, that’s great,” I finally said, “but I don’t really eat that.  But that’s ok, I’ll make something else for me or just eat a bite.  You enjoy it.”

OK, that was a little sarcastic, but at least I spoke up.

“What would you like to have?”  Mark asked.

“Hmmmm………Fish…….  And broccolli rabe,”  I said.

“OK, we will get that then.”

Wow, I thought.  I can have what I want.  I am more used to silent suffering, make wrong, and resentment.  This feels a little strange.

We’ll see, I silently told myself.  Last June on my birthday, I also asked for what I wanted.  Grilled chicken and vegetables.  They said ok.  I was really looking forward to it.

Much to my surprise, when I got home that day, there was a big vat of sausage and peppers cooking.  And on the counter were rows and rows of hamburgers and hot dogs.

“Where’s my chicken?”  I asked, thinking I must have just not seen it.

“Oh,”  my ex said.  He looked in the freezer, took out a piece of frozen chicken that I had made weeks ago, slammed it on the counter  and said, “You can eat this.”

I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart.  It still hurts to think about it.  I complained all night, telling everyone how hurt I was and how mean Mark was.

(Later I discussed it with Mark and he admitted he couldn’t have been meaner if he had tried.  Some kind of passive aggressive behavior designed to get me back for divorcing him or a statement against all women or whatever.  The devil overtake him.)

And, that treatment fit perfectly in with my story about how I can’t have what I want.

Even today, I almost didn’t say anything.  The pull of wanting to be right, being upset, and almost making sure I am unhappy is powerful.  It sounds terrible to admit, but it feels true.  It seems to have been running my life for some time.

And I can see that after so many years of having this woe, it really takes something to give it up.  I can’t imagine my life if I really got what I want.  It’s almost scary.   I could even be – happy?  Nah, let’s not go crazy.  Something can always go wrong…………I mean, when all else fails, I can always be upset about work, my wrinkles, my weight……………

Just kidding……….sort of……there’s definitely more to look at here……but for now, I need to go BE HAPPY at my Mother’s Day Dinner.  Wish me luck!!!!!