Happy? Who me?

22 May

And now, we are on the plane going home.  I have to keep stopping myself from going to the left even with all the fun I had.  It’s amazing how easy it is to have my “something’s wrong” brain (SWB) take me over.

My SWB woke me up a couple of nights in Cabo with my familiar panic, “what am I supposed to do?”  I looked around.  I’m on vacation, I thought.  There is nothing I need to do.  Chill, I would tell myself.  Why was that so hard for me?  Why was it so hard to relax?

On the way down my SWB was worrying about work.  My friends said, “Stop” you’re on vacation.  We’re not talking about work.  So we made a deal.  If I worried, I had to do a shot.  So, I didn’t worry.  (Well, at least not out loud).  That was a good trick to make me more conscious about it.

I seem to have some kind of block about being happy.  I don’t know what it is.  I enjoyed the vacation and being away and the beautiful scenery.  I loved being with my work friends and getting to know some of the people better than I had before.  I made new friends.  I worked out every day.  I relaxed on the beach and swam in the pool.

So what if I ate and drank more than I had wanted to?   So what if I didn’t have a guy?  It was great being able to do what I wanted to do whenever I wanted to.  I really feel the love for my fellow AFLAC people and I never thought I would say that.  They are a great bunch of people.  Doing what we do is hard work, so it takes a special person who won’t quit.

So what is the problem with me and Happy?

When my mother asked if I was having a good time, I cringed at my response.

“It’s good,” I said in a monotone voice.  “It’s nice.”

Why didn’t I scream and say “IT’S AMAZING!!  I LOVE IT!!!”?

I’ve been wondering about that.  I think it’s my critical voice.  It’s the part of me waiting to get disappointed.  Or if you get your hopes up you are stupid.  Or you aren’t 20 and don’t have a perfect body.  I have wrinkles.  My stomach isn’t firm like it had been two years ago.

My right side brain says “So the fuck what?”  Why am I letting my little voice of criticism ruin my good life?

(Ok.  We are having turbulence.  Luckily I took my motion sickness pills.  Throwing up is not my favorite thing to do.  I’m trying not to think about it.)

Back to the voice.   It tells me “you can’t be happy if…..

  • you’re up a few pounds
  • if your daughter is miserable back at home
  • You’re behind on your numbers
  • You don’t have a man
  • You don’t know where you will live after the rental
  • You get frustrated
  • You get bitchy
  • You are messy

And on and on and on……So I can never be happy if I listen to the voice.  Because something will always be slightly off.  So  I can allow it to ruin my vitality, energy, passion, etc. or just realize that maybe I am just “on it” And I can just get off it.  Like I did with the blog.

Well, how do you get off it?  I had asked an old mentor years ago.

“You get off it, and get off it and get off it, and get off it,……until you do.  You finally start laughing and your sense of humor comes back.  And you keep getting off it.

So, I guess I will get off it…….

And now I can see that  I HAD A GREAT TIME!!!

I am actually moved to tears over it right now.  Spending time with my son was great.  The place and friends I made were amazing.  And, I can’t wait to see my mom and daughter and tell them all about it.  AND BE EXCITED ABOUT IT!!!!

And that’s a breakthrough.

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2 Responses to “Happy? Who me?”

  1. Omik Kamat May 23, 2017 at 3:02 pm #

    this is hilarious and i am glad your blogging- omik

    • tiredoffeelingbad May 23, 2017 at 3:34 pm #

      Thank you for telling me to get off it. I would have quit if not for you. So, it’s all because of you and I hope you get that you were a stand for me when I wasn’t and it made all the difference.

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