Why Didn’t I Want to Get Up?

28 Jun

This morning I did not get up to go work out.  I hadn’t missed a day for months.  I decided my body need a rest.  I stayed in bed which was not normal.  I reset my alarm for 7:30.

I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep around 6:45 AM.  But I didn’t want to get out of bed.  I didn’t want to deal.

That was interesting.  Usually I am up and out of the house by 4:30 on the early days and don’t have to run into anyone.

Who am I avoiding?  Well, back when I was married it was my husband.  Now that I’m staying with my mom, it’s her.

I don’t need to avoid my kids.  Interesting.  I like them.

So what is it? It’s the questions.  I feel like the questions are really judgements or convictions.

“Why are you going so early?” my ex used to ask at 4:30 AM.

At that time of morning I didn’t feel like talking and I certainly didn’t want to have to explain why I was going at that time.  Especially since I went at that time every day.  So I would growl instead of answer.

“What time did you go this morning?  Did you see lover boy?”  my mother will ask..

Again, why do I have to explain myself?  I am 58 years old.  And, lover boy is just someone I work out with on some days.  He used to be more and now he wasn’t.  And, her question was a sore spot for me and it seemed that she enjoyed sticking a knife in it which gets me mad and annoyed and right.

“Where hope grows, miracles blossom.”

-Elna Rae-

And, now it’s later in the day.  It’s been many hours and many conversations.  I decided to stop being a clearing for a fight.  My mom loves me.  That’s how she shows it.  My daughter and I have been fighting with her because we thinks she’s “evil.”  But, it’s really because we think she doesn’t love us as we are.  And, she does.  It’s just the way she gets.

And, I’m on a call about play.  And so, I am going to team with daughter and play.  And bring back love to the household that we are fortunate enough to have a home for free with my mom.  And to have her still with us at 87.

And, it’s tough to not have our own home with our own space and stuff.  But, we are tough chicks and we can DO THIS!!!

Thanks for listening.  I don’t know how well I’ve edited this, but I am pressing Publish.  Good night.

 

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