Have to Remember This

30 Jun

If you can dream it, then you can achieve it. You will get all you want in life if you help enough other people get what they want.

Zig Ziglar – 1926-2012, Speaker and Author

I’m trying to rewrite the first two chapters of my book based on comments from my editor.  I am really stuck.  I am trying to really get what the point of each chapter is and then fill in appropriate background from my life that will offer an explanation for why I acted the wasy I did.  .

And, I am resisting because I’m trying to get it right.  I want to get it done and move on.  I have no tolerance for having to redo it over and over again or to get back feedback from her.   But, my goal for the weekend is to do it anyway, so I will fight the inertia and do something, even if it needs more work.

And, I am also struggling with my relationship dream.  I think I have more work to do in really imagining HAVING what I want.

In the past, what’s gotten in my way is:

Wanting to please, not wanting the person to get mad, not wanting the person to change their mind about me, and holding onto people who are focused more on themselves then on the relationship have kept me from going after what I want.

There was some hold over me to not want to lose these people even though I wasn’t getting what i wanted and was constantly disappointed.  It felt like I was holding on for dear life, afraid to let go or stand on my own.  Similarly to how it felt about money.  Like I would die if we kept going into debt when I was married.  Like my ex was killing me.

So there is something unsafe about being alone AND about having no money.  I wonder where it comes from.  I still get into a panic thinking about how I am alone now.  And, I’m really not.  I have plenty of people around me who love me.  I know that.  So, I don’t know where that comes from, but I will work on disappearing it with my coach.  And, even though I am using him for business and my purpose and passion, the main reason I hired him was because I am not where I want to be in relationships.  And, I get embarrassed even talking about my fears and where I am stuck.  But, he is a safe place and he just says thank you and is there anything else.  So why would I be  afraid?

I think it goes back to “doing it right, having him like me, not wanting to be high maintenance or people will leave me (in the driveway).  It’s a circle of being trapped – not asking for what I want because they will leave so I don’t get what I want and I suffer.

Well, it’s time to break this, get free and have my dreams.   Now that I’ve seen the trap I will practice asking for what I want.  AND, if someone doesn’t treat me the way I want, I will say something.

I have picked men in the past who made me feel like I was wrong if I said I didn’t like the way they treated me.  They would use it against me to make me feel like I shouldn’t be upset.  And I believed them, never thinking my upset was justified.  I just thought I was asking for too much.  Well, I am done with that.  AND, I’m terrified to speak up, but just like my two chapters, I am going to practice, and maybe get it wrong, but at least I’ll  be in action.  WISH ME LUCK!!! HAPPY ALMOST 4th!!!

 

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