I Failed, But I Won’t Stop Trying

I promised, Joyce, our Wisdom course leader that I would let people see me “emoting,” and not run away.

Well, twice in the last two days I have run away.  And, I am in my “Fine, fuck you” mode instead of trying to do anything about it.

My daughter called me annoying today.  She just couldn’t deal with my complaining.

WTF.  I listen to her complain all the time.  So I told her she was a bitch.

And the girl last night was a bitch.

And now I don’t want to play.  Fuck them.  And, I don’t want to get off it.  I can stay mad as long as I want.  I’m tired of being the good one.  Cause it doesn’t work anyway.  My whole fucking life has been to try to keep people happy.  Try not to get yelled at.  Try not to get criticized.

And it doesn’t fucking work because first of all I don’t get what I want because I don’t ask because I’m trying not to be high maintenance.  That sucks.  And, people criticize me and get upset and mad anyway.  So what am I doing this for?  My strategy doesn’t work AND I end up suffering because I don’t get what I want.

And, staying at my mothers makes the game even harder.  Because she likes to point out what is wrong.  If you clean up the kitchen but there’s one thing out, you get called out on it.  If my clothes are drying in the laundry room they are taking up too much space.

And, I just want to cry with the frustration of it all.  So this is good.  Underneath my anger is a sad little girl who just wanted to make people happy in order to be loved.  Because she wasn’t ok the way she was.  So she had to try to be a different way.  AND, it’s not working.

So I might as well be myself.  And if people call me annoying or tell me my clothes are in the way, so the fuck what?  Let them say whatever they want.

And if my ex is always over?  So the fuck what.  That’s his problem, not mine.

And if I’m living with my mother temporarily?  Yes, it’s weird, but I can make the best of it.

And, as far as a relationship?  It’s actually pretty nice not having one to complain about.  And if I find someone nice that I want to hang out with, then that will be fine.   But in the meantime, I don’t need to suffer.  It doesn’t mean anything that I’m alone right now.  Nothing.

And, if someone wants to talk to someone and doesn’t want me to talk, good.  You handle it.  I’ll do something else.  BFD.

So am I completely off it with my daughter?  No.  I’m not.  I don’t even want to look at her.  But it’s because I’m hurt.  When everyone was mad at her, I was on her side.  I stuck up for her.  And I’m pissed that I don’t get the same respect back.  And I haven’t forgiven her yet.  And I know I’m supposed to be the grown up, but I don’t feel like it.  I want to go have a 3 year old tantrum about it.

So maybe I’ll give it up in the next few minutes and communicate.  And maybe I won’t.  Either way it’s ok.

So I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I gotta go.  I’m going to press the button even though I probably shouldn’t.  Adios.