After the last post I was not really feeling great about myself.  I knew I had run away instead of letting Haley and this other girl know how I felt.  So,…….

I texted the girl and told her.  I said I ran away instead of talking about what was going on.  Her tone and the way she dismissed me made me feel irrelevant, unwanted, and unimportant.  Growing up I would have just run up to my room and started reading, instead of staying with my family at the dinner table..  I told her I was getting into communication instead of must making her wrong.  It only took me 23 hours.  And, that’s better then 20 years, so I’d say I’m getting faster at this.

Then I went to talk to my daughter.  I told her I had been already upset about the above mentioned person when we were having our horrible discussion in the car.  I was making myself wrong already, so when she told me my complaining was annoying and that I had a choice not to be annoyed, it hit a nerve.  And, since I am trying to just be ok anyway I am, and wanted her to be ok with me being upset, I went crazy.

Haley told me she was trying to be nice and supportive and that I jumped all over her ass.  Then she couldn’t say anything because I was screaming.  She was very upset.

And that was true.  I lost my shit.  When she called me annoying it triggered my “I shouldn’t be the way I am” conversation and I went crazy.

So I apologized and told her I had been triggered and I was sorry.  She was understandably upset that I had turned on her but I hadn’t liked what she was saying.

We made up and had a good hug and the whole thing disappeared.  Just like that.  And, to think I was never going to talk to her again.  Funny, right?

So what did I learn?  To get under the anger and communicate the feelings.  Usually sadness, disappointment or hurt.  By attacking instead, they are left wondering what the fuck is wrong with me that I flew off the handle.  It’s not what they did, but what I made it mean or what it triggered in me.

So I have to keep practicing this.  It’s not easy, but I can get better and quicker at this.  And look at what Theodore Roosevelt said…….

It is impossible to win the great prizes in life without running risks.

Theodore Roosevelt – 1858-1919, 26th U.S. President

So even though communicating is a risk and why should I have to and why can’t they……….it’s worth doing it to be able to return to affinity and love.  And that takes a bit of getting off it, I’d say.  But when I did it, life felt a whole lot better.

Happy 4th of July!!!!