Nervous but doing it anyway

Today I am going to read through my almost final manuscript.  I have scheduled this weekend to do it.  I am so nervous but as soon as I’m done with this post I will force myself to start reading.

I finished my book 5 years ago and have been rewriting it ever since.   Yes, for FIVE YEARS!!!   Holy hell batman.  And it’s about my life….And I’m afraid to go back to that time and the emotions and sadness and everything, ……..but I’m going to anyway……………..

I’m sitting on my deck, the water is high tide and literally under me and the sound of the waves crashing is mesmerizing…..

before I start, one more thing……I hadn’t been able to get to this the last three weekends – last week was Thanksgiving, the week before was Wisdom, and the week before that I was visiting my kids at college.  So  no more excuses, …….here I go………….

And another thing……….500 of my closest friends are all on their way to a vacation together in Mexico or somewhere on the year end vacation course.  And I am in wintry Connecticut.  So I am pretending…..on the deck, outside, bundled up in sweat shirts and coats, …..I’m on the water too, it’s just really, really cold!!!

It’s really time to start reading………

Five hours later:

I am a quarter of the way through.  It’s not as bad as it seems.  Certain sections that are new still need work.  I’m not sure if I am repeating ideas but I need to keep moving.

I’ve moved inside and backed up to avoid seeing my neighbors humping themselves on the deck next door.  Can’t watch that.

My back hurts from the chair I’m in.  I am not following my Rolfer’s instructions.  “Sit bone down.  Neck high.  Feet out.”  OK, well, I keep forgetting my Rolfing homework so I’m not perfect.

But I need to keep going.   The people in Mexico have landed and are having a good time I’m sure.   And I want to be half way through by tonight so adios.

LATER:

Finished the book.  Cried at certain points.  Some areas definitely need work.  I think I put the financial background in about 4 places since my writing class never understood why it was a problem.  Tomorrow I will clean all that up.  I am done.  YAY!!!!

Missing the year end.  Gotten texts saying to come but I can’t because of work.  That would be a no no.  In addition to being behind, I would be outrageously disobedient and many other terrible words.

I am in my cottage and enjoying my solitude.  Tomorrow is another day.  I miss my old fantasy but that’s ok.  Real life is worth living and I am promising myself that I will learn how.