What am I holding onto?

6 Dec

I’ve been holding onto a piece of my past and wanting things to go back to the way they were.

One of our discussions in the Wisdom course was not being in an argument with reality.  I guess I have been.  I’ve wanted things to go back instead of accepting things as they are.

So, what am I holding onto?

It’s the feeling of unbelievable happiness that I had before.  I’ve been holding on to it as if I will never have it again.

And, to not be so obtuse, it involves a guy that I am no longer seeing.  And it’s been a while.  And I couldn’t figure out, after all this time, what is the damn problem?  And this is what I’ve come up with.

  1. I miss the happiness I had when we were together.  It was like a drug.  I was addicted to the feeling of happiness.  Anything other then that seems like, at some level, that life sucks a little.  It’s not that I’m not grateful for what I have, it’s that it just isn’t that happy happy amazing feeling I had before.
  2. AND, I’m afraid that I won’t ever have it again.  That I need to get the old thing back because it was my one shot at happiness.  So I need to hold onto the memory and try to get it re-enacted.
  3. I don’t know how to find it again – I’m just not meeting anyone new and if the truth be told, I don’t really want to put the effort in.  I just want to meet someone great and KAPOW, next relationship happens.   Kind of dumb/weird/stupid, but true.
  4. I’m just tired thinking about it.  All of it.  Tired of it.  Come to think of it, I am just tired.  Some nights I have trouble sleeping.  So when I get up I am already tired.

So, the job is to create a whole new reality where dating is fun and there’s lots of great guys out there and I have buckets of energy.  And, this last guy is totally forgotten, I have moved on, am very busy and have many great contenders for the recipient of my heart.

OK, sounds great.  Blah blah blah.   (Yawn) Time for my nap.

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