Getting Back Into Dialogue

24 Jan

When I am really feeling bad about myself and my life, I tend to hide.  It’s “the other side of life” that I refer to in the description of this blog.  The blog was designed originally to lower the amount of time I spend on “the left”, where life looks like it just sucks.

I started developing techniques for getting back to the right quicker.  And they are great.

But sometimes, like this week, I forgot there was a left, and that I even had techniques. And it seemed like life really was the horrible way it seemed.

Said another way (I hate that phrase but I’m using it anyway), the way it was this week was:

  • everything sucks
  • I suck
  • I can’t talk to anyone about this because no one wants to listen
  • I shouldn’t be this way
  • something is VERY wrong with me
  • everything is hopeless – work, relationships, weight, everything
  • and I suck (did I say that already?)

So it seemed like all I could do was wait until the fog lifted.  And in the meantime, pretend everything was fine, hide, sleep, or just feel hopeless.

Today I fought my inertia and remembered that “getting into dialogue” is one of the techniques that works to get back to the land of the living.

I was on a call of wonderfully happy people.  After about 20 minutes, I forced myself to open my mouth and “share.”  I just went crazy saying all the things I had been thinking and what I didn’t want to do and what a bitch I had been to my mom and everyone around me.  And how I withhold myself instead of speaking up.  And, finally, that I was just sad.  And I started crying.

When I stopped talking, I told myself (of course) how stupid that was and what an idiot I was to say all that.

That’s when the magic happened.  People commented on what I had said in wonderful ways.  I started to feel good about myself and to realize that it was ok to say all that and to feel however I was feeling.  And the fog lifted.

And then, an even better gift.  Sura, one of the women on the call, called me.  And shared what it was like when she lost her dad.  And we had a wonderful chat.

And, I felt like maybe I’m not that bad.  Maybe my sadness and upsets and sharing can be a gift to others.  Because we are all human.

And my pretending everything is fine when I don’t feel fine just doesn’t work anymore.  That’s what sucks.  Not me.

I can be just how I am – upset, mad, bitchy, frustrated, and even mean.  Instead of just taking it all from everyone and acting like I’m fine.  Even when I am hurt, disappointed or frustrated.

It’s new and I’m not very good at it yet, but every step forward is a step forward.

So thank you, Sura, and everyone else.  For letting me just be me and still letting me speak.  I appreciate you all.

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