This is an email I just sent to my relationship coach. It references yesterday’s blog when I said we completed a 9 month session. I signed up for 9 more months.
Dear S:
Last night after our call I got all fucked up. What I realized was I am really afraid to go to my dad’s unveiling on Sunday. I don’t want to see his grave and tombstone. It unravels me when I can be present to it.
What I do instead of allowing the sadness is make myself wrong and go into that whole routine.
My seminar leader, who I did the IFLP with in 1993, told me that when I just shared about my dad, it was beautiful and very human. I resist that sharing I can see. He said that the other thing I do is not very enrolling and sometimes difficult to be with.
I am trying not to make all that wrong about myself. I’ve lived there for 58 years.
So, I am creating AGAIN that I am a Crazy Genius and I can trust myself. I share when I share and I do my thing when I do it. AND, the right person will love that about me.
I know I am great, AND THEN, I invalidate myself. So, love that part and just acknowledge it and my fear, etc.
Thank you for believing in me. You are worth every penny knowing that I have a champion and when I am weak and unbelieving, you are holding my vision in your strong, amazing hands. You are a gift and I am sorry I didn’t speak up at the beginning of the call instead of being worried when you were doing the completion thang!!!!!
So, to our connected, amazing future together. I love you and am grateful that Suzanne and Maryann and you and I all connected to create this amazing future that I will be living into.
Happy Easter,
tiredoffeelingbad 
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