F.O.U.L

Yesterday I was making calls out of my house with no results.   It was the first Monday of the quarter.  Last quarter I was successful.  But one day in, and I the thrill of the victory had disappeared and my lack of effectiveness had me not feeling like a winner anymore.

Without realizing what was going on, I found myself in front of the mirror in my bathroom.

“You look disgusting,” I said to myself. “Your skin is crepey.  Look at those wrinkles.  You have no elasticity left.  What is happening to you?  You look old and ugly.”

I stared at myself with horror.  “And your face is exploding.  How much weight have you gained in the last hour?  You have gotten fatter as you sat here.  You are out of control.”  (I hadn’t even eaten anything that was bad, mind you, but my mind playing tricks on me.)

I came out of the bathroom.   “Fat, Old, and Ugly,” I said out loud.  “F.O.U.”   I started thinking about it.  And that wasn’t all?  What else was I feeling?

“Like a loser,” I thought.  My body felt heavy.  Life seemed bleak.  Whatever success I had before, it was over.  This quarter (after one day) I couldn’t do anything.  Let’s see.  Let’s add an L.  It makes F.O.U.L.  Fat, old, ugly, loser.   You are FOUL!!!”

I started laughing.  I called up a friend and left a voicemail.   I thought this was really funny.  And, it helped me to lighten up and start laughing again.  What a great technique to get back to the fun side of life.

I had an event to go to that night.  Before I discovered FOUL, I was NOT GOING!!!  F–K that, I said.  “I’m not getting dressed and I’m not going.”  I didn’t want to be around people.

I took a nap and just let myself get present to what was actually happening.  I just didn’t schedule any appointments.  I was disappointed.  But I HAD taken the actions and made my targeted number of calls.  So what was really my problem?

And, when I woke up, I was refreshed.  I got dressed, treated myself to a manicure since I was early, and got to this event right on time.

I shared with the host about F.O.U.L.  I was laughing as I told my story.

“Don’t talk like that,” he said.  “Don’t say those things.”

“Why not?”  I asked.  “It worked for me to get me out of my bad mood.”

“It’s negative,”  he said.

And I thought about it.  It’s negative, but if I don’t say those things out loud, they stay in my head and seem true.  When I verbalize them, I can realize they are just my brain doing a number on me and not real.

Even so, I almost fell into my familiar trap of thinking maybe he was right.  That I shouldn’t be negative.  But I didn’t this time.  Because what works for me may not work for him.  And, it’s not being negative to me.  It’s sharing what’s going on in my brain so I can be free.  And that works for me.  And, what he was saying was just his opinion.  And not the truth.

And that’s a miracle for me.  To value my own judgement.  To accept myself in the face of disagreement or a different opinion.

And I am proud of myself for that.  Very proud.  (Even though I keep seeing the doubts wanting to creep in, I have not let them take over!!!!)  Hallelujah!!!