Don’t Even Know What to Say

7 Jul

I guess it’s all about shoulds……….

I should be happy

I should be thinner

I should have a flat stomach

My boobs should be higher

I should be grateful

I should have energy

I should be pain free

I should be in a romantic relationship fit for a fairytale

I should be wanting to go out dancing tonight

I should be full of pep

I should want to be around people

I should still be with the guy that I really loved

I should have what I want

I should know what I want

I should be asleep

I should love myself

I should love people

I should be happy………..

(I’m starting to repeat – I’m going to switch to the negatives now)

I shouldn’t look this way

I shouldn’t feel this way

I shouldn’t want to go to sleep in the middle of the day

I shouldn’t still think about the last guy I was with

I shouldn’t still be alone

I shouldn’t be annoyed

I shouldn’t feel like a big fat blob

I shouldn’t go in the sun

I shouldn’t ………….I just shouldn’t BE THIS WAY…………….

I thought getting that out would make me feel better.  It didn’t……..What else can I try?  ……….

OK – I’ll accept myself for feeling like a big, fat, tired blob

I’m supposed to be in the vortex, feeling happy and attracting what I want

Well, making myself wrong isn’t part of that deal

So, I’ll just accept that there is a gap right now.  I think what I’ll do is actually enjoy myself and take a nap somewhere.  But I don’t know where.  I am at the dunkin donuts right now where there is internet and I would probably look like I’m homeless if I put my head down on this dirty table……………………………………

I think this is a stupid blog.  Who cares?  I don’t care………yes I do.  No I don’t.

Maybe I’m just tired.  Maybe it was my dad’s birthday yesterday and he has been gone for a year and a half and that makes me sad.  Maybe my daughter just left for Australia and will be across the world for 7 months.  Maybe my son also just left for 10 days and will be gone for 9 months in a month.  Maybe I am exhausted for being annoyed with my ex husband who lives at my moms where I am living for a month.

Maybe I’m just tired……….Maybe it’s all ok……..Maybe this is the way it’s supposed to be.

Maybe this is the way life looks when it’s working……………and it’s ok to be sad.  And to not like certain things…………..ok…..thanks………….I actually feel better.  Instead of thinking I shouldn’t be this way, I’m going to stop trying to resist it and just let it be…………………..Way easier than fighting it………………………………………………yay!

 

 

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