tiredoffeelingbad

It’s Valentine’s Day!!!   I had bought my daughter a pink, snuggly bear that said Love and a bag of kisses that I distributed to many people I know and love.

Then, in the supermarket, I saw Toblerone bars.  I remembered Haley being upset because someone had eaten her Toblerone when she was little.  So I grabbed 3.  I proudly distributed them to my son, his girlfriend, and Haley.

A few minutes later Haley said, “Mom, I just want to tell you something.  You always buy these for me and I don’t like them.  I just wanted you to know.”

I lost it.  I went into an incident about how I never buy the right presents and fuck me and I’m never buying that bitch anything else.  I started cleaning the downstairs of the house which i never do, throwing things in garbage bags and asking everyone to clean up.

Finally I said, “Haley, when I buy a gift for someone I feel good.  Like I am doing something nice for them.  It is a good feeling.  But, after you told me you don’t like it, not only do I not feel good, but I am embarassed and feel like I wasted my time and money.  I feel like a stupid fool.”

And she spent the next half hour begging me not to hate her and trying to give me hugs.  i acted like an ass hole and didn’t give her the satisfaction of saying I was over it.

She was supposed to go to my son’s college tonight with him.  She got all dressed up and then he decided not to go back tonight.   She is now up in her room feeling sorry for herself.  Like mother like daughter.  I asked her to come down and she said “Fuck off.”

I told her that I am the upset one tonight and how dare she try to take my place.  It wasn’t met with humor.

I guess she learned her tactics from me.  Oh well. She’ll get over it. I did.  All I can do is pray.

“I don’t want to tell you how I really feel because you’ll think I’m whining,”  Lisa said.

“I’m afraid to tell you because I’m afraid you’ll get mad,” my daughter has said to me.

I once told an old boyfriend:   “I’m afraid if tell you why I’m upset, you’ll know I like you and then won’t like me anymore.”

All these phrases point to one thing.  We are afraid to say the truth. Why?

For me, I wanted to be the good girl.  I didn’t want to be a problem or be considered high maintenance or difficult.

An example was my daughter’s birthday.  She and I had planned on going out for breakfast that morning.  So, the day before, when she told me that her friend was taking her out instead, I was surprised.  Instead of saying I was disappointed, i  merely said, “OK, good, have fun.”

Why didn’t I tell her the truth?

Because I didn’t want to ruin her time with her friend and make it into a big deal. I didn’t want to be a difficult, childish mom.   So I said nothing.  If I really looked, I was upset.  i had really been looking forward to taking her out and spending some quality time with her on her birthday.  After all, I was the one who carried her for nine months and gave birth to her, not her friend.  Didn’t I deserve some time?

But I didn’t say any of that.  I thought I hid it well.  The night before, Haley came into my bedroom and said she wasn’t going with her friend and that we could go.

“Why?”  I asked.

“Because you looked like you were about to cry when you found out you couldn’t go and we didn’t have the heart to make you so sad,”  she said.

“Oh, ok,”  I said.  Inside I was embarassed, but happy.  And we went, and we had a nice time.

Since then I’ve been looking at why I don’t speak up or ask for what I want or tell people the truth when something has hurt me.  And have noticed that other people don’t either.  And, I’ve been wondering what we are all afraid of.

I have tried to speak up a couple of times since then, and I’ll tell you, it feels a lot better than keeping it in.  It’s amazing.  So, I’m going to continue practicing.  I’ll let you know what happens.

Please respond if you are seeing this.  I am trying to work on the blog.

“I hate her,”  I said as I hung up the phone from Leslie.  “Why can’t I just be upset?  Why does she have to tell me I have a choice and I don’t have to be this way?”

I went back to my computer.  It wasn’t turning on.   All  my writing.  All my work was in the computer.  I hadn’t backed it up.  Didn’t I have a right to be upset?

What was I going to do?  Who knows everything?  Siri.  I hit the white button on my phone.  “Siri, how can I fix a Fujitsu computer?”

She was thinking.  She gave me nunbers for Fujitsu.  I called them.  An Indian man helped me start my computer by pressing F8 while repeatedly after I pressed the start button.

It worked.  YAY!!  I immediately backed up my computer.  It took 4 hours.

I called Leslie.  “You know, I didn’t ask for coaching.  When you coach me and I’m not a request, it’s annoying and I hate you.:  I just wanted to let you know.”

“Oh,”  she said.  “I’m sorry.  It’s just that when you’re upset, I never had a chance to be a mommy and I want to help you not feel bad.”

“Well, for me to be able to just be able to be however I am is a freedom.  I never allowed myself to be upset before.  This is a good thing.  It would be better for me if you just told me how you feel instead of trying to fix me.”

We talked for a while.  I felt affinity and love for her again instead of annoyance and animosity.  It felt like a miracle.  I wonder how many people I have killed off because I didn’t tell them how I felt.

Let’s see.  Just today my sister called to tell me that I should take my father out more.  He is stuck at home and would love to get out.   I immediately starting thinking “she’s right and I’m a bad daughter.”

“You’re right,”  I said to her.

“Of course I’m right,”  she said.  She kept lecturing and I seethed.

The phone call ended soon after that.  I can now see that instead of shutting down I could have spoken up and told her how I felt.  I became a victim instead, thinking she was right.  I could have felt love instead of resentment and annoyance.  It’s hard for me to see what I could have said, but maybe by tomorrow it will be clear.  After all, it worked with Leslie.

PS  I asked my mother if my father needed rides and she said no. He has activities every day except one, and on that day he really enjoys being home.  So, there, big sister, you actually weren’t right!!!!

For many years, I desperately waited for my husband to change.  I would tell him what wasn’t working for me and he would listen and then promise to change.  It had to do with all the things I wasn’t happy with – our finances, our sex life, how we communicated, how we never did anything together.  Each time I would get my hopes up thinking this was the time things were going to be the way I had always wanted them to be.  I was so happy.

For a little while…….But after a couple of days, I realized nothing had changed.  He had forgotten.  My disappointment was a physical ache.  I would berate myself for getting my hopes up.  What was I, stupid?  Why did I think this time would be the time he would actually do what he had promised?   I would sink into despair until the next time “I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

Finally, one day, when I had had enough, Mark promised that we would make all financial decisions together.  It seemed like he really meant it this time.  But when the opportunity came to put our son in a private school, he made the decision without me, knowing I was 100% against it.  Once again, his promised had meant nothing.  And, to make matters worse, he told me that he was fine with his decision, and,  if he had sacrificed our marriage to do it, he was ok with it.

I finally had to get real with myself.  This man made great promises, but nothing had changed in 18 years.  He was not going to change.  And why should he?  Why should he have to change?  Why couldn’t he be just the way he was?

And, waiting for him to change was a constant disappointment.  I wasn’t living life right now, but waiting for the day that he would be the way I wanted him to be.  My life was on hold while I was miserable.

So, the real question was, given he was how he was, did I want to spend the rest of my life with him?  It was my decision,   Not his.  I was done letting my happiness depend on whether he changed……  And so I decided………..(to be continued_

About a month ago, I discovered that when I’m disappointed, instead of just saying “Oh, too bad.  I’m disappointed.  I was looking forward to that,”  I get bitchy and pick a fight.

For example, if I was going to get together with someone and they told me they couldn’t make it, my immediate response would be “fine.  f— you and the horse you rode in on.”  I didn’t actually say it, but I would think it.

When I looked deeper, I realized that when they cancelled, I felt unimportant, that they didn’t want to get together, that I wanted to more than them, that I was an idiot, etc. all the way down the line of feeling bad.  It was hard for me to admit to someone that they meant something to me.  I had never wanted to give someone the satisfaction of letting them know I cared, but…..when I was finally willing to be vulnerable, magic happened and my relationships got better.

Now, I try to say, “I’m sorry.  I don’t mean to be bitchy, it’s just that I’m disappointed.  I was really looking forward to it.   What happened?  And, when can we reschedule?”

Often they will tell me what came up and then reschedule.  Their reason never actually has anything to do with me or how they feel about me.

It’s a much better result than getting into a fight and feeling bad all day.

Try communicating your disappointment the next time you get upset.  Speak about yourself and how you feel rather than blaming them and saying “you”.

Let me know what happens.

There are two distinct Hilary’s inside me.  One lives on the “right side” of life.  Everything is great.  I am woman hear me roar.  Everything is possible.  I am living my dream.

Occasionally, though, I end up on “the left side.”  It’s not alot of fun over there.   I can tell when the people I know are over there, too. They are not happy and sometimes not nice.

Life looks bleak on the left side.  Nothing is good.  I feel like a loser and can’t do anything right.  Everything is my fault.    And, my favorite is that I should be happy and I’m not so there’s something wrong with me.  This creates a downward spiral of feeling bad for feeling bad.  And endless cycle of gloom.

A few years ago I realized that I was “Tired of Feeling Bad.”  That’s when I created this blog.

I started developing strategies to get back to the right side.  i have added to them and revised them since then.  Here they are in case they are helpful:

1.  Let yourself be however you are.  Your feelings are valid.  Don’t make them wrong.  Feel them.  Don’t suppress them by eating, beating yourself up, drinking, or the usual way you normally do. I was surprised the first time I actually felt my sadness.  It was a physical pain.  But, once I let myself feel it, it went away pretty quickly and I actually felt free..

Bonus:  Give yourself a time limit to feel as bad as you can.  Really feel bad.  You will find you might get bored.  Giving yourself permission to feel bad seems to lesson the force of it.

2. Name the left side as a separate person.  Mine is Pathetic Patty.  I also have Sad Sally, Bitchy Bertha, and Mean Martha.   By separating them from me, I have some choice in the matter.  I can laugh about it to my friends. “Pathetic Patty is back.  Can you tell her to leave me alone?”

That lessens the seriousness of my mood.  I have friends “Missy the Mistake – 8th of 8 girls,” Lawanda the Loser, Larry the Loser, Stupid Stu, and Bad Betty.   Instead of feeling sorry for ourselves we end up laughing.

3. Vent.  Get it all out.  I always feel better after.  I have different methods that I use:

–  I call a certain friend’s voicemail.  Sometimes I don’t even know why I’m upset, but in the process of talking I figure it out.  I’ve been doing this for years, and now I am at the point where I just delete each message until I feel better and can move on.  She doesn’t even have to listen to it.

– If you have a friend who is a good listener, talk to them.  If they listen to you, they might offer solutions that you can hear that might help.

CAUTION:  Not everyone can listen.  If they don’t know you are venting, they might make you feel worse by offering solutions that you did not ask for, acting like you are just always complaining, upset or wrong, or just dismissing you.  Figure out ahead of time who is safe.

– I type in a journal on my computer or write on paper what I need to get out.  I can often see what I am making into a big deal and then take action to clear it up.

4.  Distract yourself – call a friend, go for a walk, read a book, put music on, get to work, etc.  Sometimes you even forget you were upset.  Sometimes you don’t and it’s still there.  Then, try something else as well.

5.  Geshtalt – Have a conversation with your other/inner self.  You can do it silently or out loud.  It seems crazy, but it actually works. I have found that one Hilary is being mean to protect the other Hilary because she was hurt by someone or something.  Once the anger turns to sadness, I know that I have hit the real issues and I am on my way out of it.

These are just a few.  If I think of more, I will add to the list.

I published my first blog entry in two years the other day.  When I got home, my soon to be ex husband said, “I enjoyed your blog post today.”

“What?”  I cried.  “How did you know I posted something?”

“It came to my email.”

“Seriously?  Ugh.”  I said inwardly groaning.

“I liked it.”  He said.

“Well, I didn’t mean for it to get sent to you.”  Of all the people to see it, I thought.

So now every time I write a post, Mark will be reading it.

So, do I let this suppress me or do I dare to speak?

I think I will dare.

I have lived my life filtering what I tell to people.  For example, I told a couple of friends I was writing a memoire and their response was, “you can’t write that.  You can’t publicize that.”

So I stopped talking to them about it.  I tell other people who are supportive.  And, I am going to practice talking to people whether or not they agree with me.  I can trust myself and my own instincts and don’t need other people’s approval.

Well, it sounds good.  Let’s see if I can actually do it.

I have filed for divorce and it may happen in a couple of weeks.  Someone asked me why it took me so long.  What am I holding onto?  I have been thinking about it and this is what I can come up with for now.

For years I made my soon to be ex husband wrong.  Blamed him for all my problems.  Everything was his fault.  It was easier  because then I didn’t have to take responsibility for my life.   I didn’t have to do anything.  Easier to just sit and wait for him to change.  I waited desperately for him to become what I wanted him to be.

But, finally, my daughter pointed out that nothing had changed since she was born.  I was fooling myself and to stop thinking anything was ever going to be different.  Wow.  Wisdom from the young.

So I had a decision to make.  Put up with that life and shut up, or do something about it.

I started taking actions.  Making my own money, separating our money, doing what I wanted to do, making friends, creating communities, following my passion, and finally, filing for divorce.

I am sad and wish I didn’t have to break up our family, but we can still be a family. Just a different one. I hate to leave the “family home,” but I can make a new one where my children feel welcome and safe and home.

I am scared and have been focusing on only the negative outcomes of my decision, but today, I have decided to create a new future that empowers and excites me instead.

I need to remember I am strong.  I have dreams.  I am going after them.  I will not back down.

And, I want to remember all this when I am freaking out and wondering what I have done to my life.  That’s why I am writing this.  To remind myself why.

Thank you.