Archive | June, 2012

More About Obsessing………

9 Jun


Second post.  I removed some from my prior post because there was too much in it.  Since my earlier post, Jack has been really nice still.  He actually was nervous to tell me that he was falling in love with me and he didn’t know if that’s what I wanted. 

This is the way I always wanted him to be and instead, I am thinking about FB. 

It’s crazy, I mean, after all, I AM MARRIED!!!

I can fantasize but also have the security to go back to Jack when I feel too insecure.  I can’t REALLY get rejected since I am not available anyway.  AND,  I know if I actually fooled around it would basically be over with Jack.  I am a bad liar and I get too anxious when I am trying to hide something.   I would confess and there would be no trust left.  So, what do I think could possibly happen with FB anyway?  It makes no sense so what am I even obsessing about?   He has given me no indication of wanting anything but friendship or “sex with no strings.”  I think I’ll take the friendship thank you very much.  I would like the strings if you don’t mind!!!!

I have decided that I like to be on the left side of sex.  I like when they are pursuing and nice and giving a lot of attention.  Afterwards, you are just a conquest and the pursuit is over.  Well, that’s what it was like with SM anyway.  Afterwards, I only became a needy, attached, pathetic person who felt like I must have been REALLY BAD for him to have changed so much.  I am not interested in a repeat performance.  I was anxious, awaiting his texts, horny as hell, and a complete mess.  If I didn’t hear from him I was depressed and frankly dead in spirit.  It’s not like I wanted a future with him, but I NEEDED the attention or I felt like I was “old, fat and ugly.”   When he texted, I felt like a “hot sexy chick.”   

I was completely dependent on his attention.  I was addicted to it.  If I didn’t get it, I became depressed.   I was just SO ATTACHED that it ALMOST wasn’t worth it.  Not quite though.  He woke up my inner “hot sexy chick” and that was definately worth the unpleasantness.

This actually turned on Jack.  While he should have been pissed and was for a while, he realized that he had not been paying any attention to me.  This also happened in his first marriage.  The first wife ended up fooling around with one of his friends.

He has started taking testerone.  It has certainly changed him and made him actually want sex.  Apparently that brings back your libido.  He really didn’t have one for all those years.  He had no interest in me or sex.  So, what do I do about this?  We will see.  For right now I am not going anywhere, but enjoying the attention and that he is trying to do all the things I have complained about throughout the years.  It is actually quite nice.

If I didn’t have a thing for FB, it would be perfect.  One day at a time.  That is my new motto.

Thanks for listening.  Chad coming over to show me his paper. 


Why Am I Obsessing?

9 Jun


OK – My brain is going crazy.  Jack is being really nice.  He has cleaned up around the house and is being all lovey dovey.  He told me I looked hot today.  I’m a little freaked out by this.  This is everything I always wanted, and yet, all I am thinking about is how I walked away from FB today when we could have had a conversation.  I am obsessing about it.

Here is the background and I think you will agree that I did the right thing.  Sometimes I go back to the gym after the kids go to  school, especially  if FB was not on the early shift.     By the time FB comes, I am usually finished with my workout, so, since I am done,  I don’t mind following him around in order to talk to him.  I  talk to him while he goes  from apparatus to apparatus.  I told him I felt like a geisha girl following him around – I should be in a kimono.      

Today, though, I wasn’t through with my workout when he waved for me to follow him – he said do the geisha.   BUT, he was distracted because he couldn’t find a piece of equipment and he was taking a while to pay attention to me, so I made a decision.   I said, I gotta go and he said goodbye.  (I think he thought I was leaving). 

A few minutes later, I went over to him and told him what I was going to say.  We had a short conversation and then I left.  No big deal.  We just haven’t had a good, long conversation for a week and I feel like I missed the chance to.  I miss our conversations.    They are nice.

Well, I am wondering if I did the right thing, but there is nothing I can do.  I am obsessing about whether I should have just stood there and waited for him.   I just didn’t want to stand there when I had things to do.  Why is it more important for him to get his workout done but not me?   He is not complaining, but I am feeling like I did the wrong thing.    I am worring about it.  I am thinking he won’t like me now.

I guess it is easier to worry/obsess about this then to think about MY REAL LIFE.  Thinking about our lack of finances.  how nervous I am about hitting my numbers for the quarter, and wondering who will come tomorrow to my “surprise” birthday party.   It makes me feel like I don’t have any REAL friends.   I feel stupid for being a baby about my stinking birthday. 

Instead, I obsess over whether I should have waited for FB or not.  Like it REALLY matters!!!!!   I guess I am afraid he will give up on me.  I am afraid that I blew it today.  I think he acts all macho but deep down he is insecure so he doesn’t REALLY think I like him.  That’s what I always do.  I make excuses for the guys and get treated like a door mat.


So,back to FB.  There is really no decision.  FB might just like me as a friend, but I just don’t want to be following him around like an Arab woman or slave.  I want to be a person with value.   If that ruined things, then too bad for him, right?   Does it really matter?  No, but obsessing seems to be part of my nature unfortunately.  So if it doesn’t matter, why do I keep going over it and over it in my mind?  Why do I feel so anxious?

Let me think……this is reminding me of a similar incident.   I was at Canyon Ranch back when I was single and with my spa package, came two appointments with a “Lifestyle Consultant”.    The consultant asked me what was going on.  I said I was fine,   BUT, it was weird that I was completely obsessing over which leotard I would wear to each exercise classe.

He asked, “is everything ok with your work?”  Yes, I said.  “How about in relationships?”

With that question burst into tears and cried for the next four days.   I was in a relationship with a guy who turned out to be married.  Last July 4th, he had told me he would leave his wife in six months if he felt better.   It sounds dumb, but he had chronic fatigue syndrome and always felt sick.  He wasn’t going to leave his wife and put me through his illness unless he felt better by January 1.  It was December 24th.   I knew that he still felt like crap.

I hadn’t really thought about what that meant.    He obviously wasn’t leaving her.  I only had a lose lose situation here.  I could stay with him while he was married, or never see him again and miss him terribly.  Sounds dramatic, but it made sense why I was obsessing.  There was not a win in it for me.  Give up on ever having a great relationship and stay with him or ……I couldn’t even think about it.  He was my soul mate or so I thought and I couldn’t live without him – blah, blah, blah.   Sounds really dumb now, but I was definately in the middle of it back then.

 I was already seeing a therapist back home to find out why I couldn’t let go of my married man.  She kept telling me that “they” never leave their wives.  I definately didn’t like this or her.

When I got back home, I fired the first therapist and found a new therapist.  It’s funny because I would go see her feeling fine, and come out crying and confused.  She kept asking me why I wasn’t angry at my parents.   I knew they were doing the best they could.   She confused me.

Around this time, my friend, Dale, did something called the Forum.    Her brother had been bothering her for four years to do it.  She was about to move to Japan for work and she said, why do you keep bothering me about this?  He said, if you kept almost drowning I would tell you to take swimming lessons.   You keep having problems in relationships.  So, she did it.  She was basically a righteous bitch before that (even though I loved her and she was a lot of fun).  BUT, she totally didn’t get why I was with my married guy.  No one understood (for good reason).  

After the Forum, Dale was unbelievable.  She apologized for not being understanding and told me she loved me.  I said, whatever you did, sign me up.  I went and did the Forum.   I realized that what I was committed to was having a REAL relationship.  (I couldn’t say marriage yet.)    AND, my married guy just didn’t fit into that.  So, we could be friends, I didn’t have to say goodbye, but our relationship just didn’t fit.

It was a very huge deal.  Plus, the other “little” part was that I truly thought I was unlovable.  I called my dad in the forum and asked him if he was proud of me and did he love me?   He said, of course I do – why would you need to ask me that?  

I said, ok, thanks, and went back to the forum.  I was talking to Dale’s brother, and he told me he loved me.   I said, I know, you say that to everyone.  He said, “no, I really do love you.”  The light bulb went on.  I didn’t think anyone could really love me.  I just didn’t.  I was good at the beginning of relationships, but I knew that if they really got to know me, they couldn’t.   I am needy and insecure and oversensitive.  I cover it with the fun, happy girl image, but I am a mess in relationships. 

I fired the second therapist and told her that my thing is “confused victim” and she was making it worse, not better.  She was evil and said, “you’ll be back.”  I said NO WAY.

I separated from MM  (married man) although we stayed friends.  It wasn’t always happy, but I felt good about it.  I had a lot of work to do in relationships which is still the truth (duh).    

So why am I obsessing about FB now?  I guess in my mind he is safe.  He is not the unavailable one this time, I am.  He can’t hurt me because I can just go back to my marriage.

“Confession” – I am watching a Family Channel movie as I type – Lindsay Lohan in Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen and I am waiting for the happy ending.  I am even crying.  This is channelling my inner drama queen so go with it…….

So why am I so fucked up?  I dress up to go to the gym in the morning, making sure I have minimal make up and my very sexy gym pants and top.  When I get home, I wear no make up and my loose comfy clothes.  I am not going to make the effort for Jack.  Maybe I don’t need to.  Maybe that’s nice to be safe and good.  Or, am I just fucked up?

Maybe I don’t need to think so hard about any of this.  I think I just need to breathe and be present.  Maybe I have had too much coffee.  Maybe none of this matters.  Maybe FB will talk to me and maybe he won’t.   It obviously won’t matter in five years unless I am destined to end up with him.  DH was friendly today but he interrupted our conversation to talk to the beast.  He said he would CALL HER ON TUESDAY NIGHT.  That’s why I had to stop liking him.  What is the deal with the beast?  I walked away after that.   SM was also there and we talked because Lovely Lady was not. 

We’re about to have the happy ending…….YEAH.  Stu Wolfe brings Lola the necklace and proves she’s not a liar.  YEAH LOLA!!!!  And, she ends up with Sam.  You gotta love those happy endings.

So, why can’t I be nice to Jack?  Why do I keep fantasizing about FB?  Who cares?  It’s working.  No more coffee for today (maybe).    I will go to the library later and pick out new books.  I will eat healthy today and save my points for tomorrow.  I will talk to FB when I see him and one day we will have another good talk.   He is my friend and I love that.  For today, that will have to be good enough.   Nothing I can do about it.  He probably won’t be there tomorrow or Monday.  BUT, we will see.  Every day I think I won’t see him and then – HE IS THERE!!!! Nothing to worry about.   No where to go with this.  I still don’t why I am obsessing, but I am going to get ready to go now and if I figure something out you will be the first to know, ok?

Thanks for listening.

PS  I tried to edit this one but only got half through.  Sorry about that.  There’s alot in there, so bear with me.  No more coffee.  I still feel anxious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do I REALLY Have to Grow Up? I’ll Let You Know!!!

8 Jun


On the phone calling a client.  I only have a few minutes before Jack comes home.  I feel like I have nothing to say, but since I am standing in the kitchen eating peanuts when I am not hungry, I am figuring there is something going on.  Let’s see what comes out my fingers.

While we were away, Jack told me that he was sure that I was typing things about how he was sure I was writing about him and how I hated him.  I told him that basically I wrote about whatever I was upset about that day and it wasn’t always about him. That was not a lie.

He told me that he thought I was definately out of the marriage and that there was no hope.  I told him that I didn’t want to break up the family, didn’t want to leave or lose the house, and didn’t want to be single.  Plus, I am financially unable to leave.  So, I have no plans on leaving and that is why I am still there.  He was disappointed that I didn’t say I was staying for him!!  I couldn’t say anything about him since I have spent so much time being resentful and hating him.

But, after our talk in the Jamaica airport, I felt better.  I didn’t hate him as much.  It’s weird how that works.  I think this is him.  I will say more later.  I REALLY don’t want him reading over my shoulder – not cool.

Still thinking of FB.

Later:  I am back.  Jack is taking Chad to see his friend at the hotel that his father stays in when he visits.  The father is a lot of fun and they all get to hang out at the hotel.  Sybil went because Chad’s friend was with him and she thinks he’s cute and nice.     Normally I would have gone because I like to hang out with the “hotel” father, but I am too tired and would have to reput my make up on and frankly, I am looking forward to a good nights sleep.  Tomorrow I get to sleep in a little because the gym doesn’t open until 7:00 AM.  Saturdays I kibbitz with DH and the other Saturday people. 

What was I saying?  I don’t know, but I have tanked.  I was looking at the bank accounts and realized that the amount of money we have – after a day’s spending – will not cover the two bills I had set up to pay.  One was the electric bill – while listening to my messages, I realized the very same electric company had called me and it WASN’T to wish me a happy birthday.   So, I had to reduce the amount of what we could pay.  Bumbs me out because I was feeling so good that we could pay SOMETHING!!!

The other problem is that Jack, bless his heart, actually wants to do something for my birthday.  I am thrilled that he does – I have wanted this to happen since we got married.  He told me the other night that he wanted to have a surprise party, but it was freaking him out and so he told me – I actually thought it was cute believe it or not.I have always wanted him to think ahead and do something, and I think Chad may have had something to do with that, but that’s ok.  The problem lies in that there is no money.  I don’t want to give him my whole reserve and then we HAVE NOTHING.  That really freaks me out and stresses me out at the same time – a bad combination.   I don’t need fancy food – just don’t run out of beer and or wine.

Ok – I just went to grab some more peanuts and raisins – this will be dinner which is fine with me – I love it when I am alone and drinking beer – no fuss no muss – BUT, the raisins had ants in them.  Bumbs me out.  I hate ants and any kind of bugs.  BUT, I am determined to not freak out this summer.  They are what they are and they are part of the summer.  DEAL WITH IT!!!  But, I still hate the sight of them.  It makes my skin itchy.

Back to the party – NO FUCKING MONEY – I told Jack that if he put the party on a credit card then it is not worth having it – I won’t be able to return it like I did with the Christmas gifts he gave me.  I returned them all because he put them on a credit card because we had no money.  That is not a gift.  That is a dagger throught the heart.  Returning those gifts made me so fucking sad. 

We are working hard and we have NO MONEY.   It really sucks and depresses me.   I am eating ant ridden raisins and have no money for the exterminator.  They keep paying me and I tell them I would pay them if I had money but I don’t.  What can I say?

Missy is out at the local bar and keeps texting me to come there.  I don’t know how she does it without money, but I just can’t do it.  I refuse to go into debt for drinks.  I am wondering if Jack will dip into his “hockey” money to pay for some of this.  I know he keeps it until he has to pay for hockey.  So, fuck him.  Use some on me, you hockey obsessed bastard.  Am I not just a little important or is the only game in town paying for the fucking hockey?

You tell me.  I am not going to run out of money to pay the bills that are coming out of the accounts to have this party.  His idea = he finds the fucking money.  OR CALL IT OFF.  I don’t care.  I liked the idea.  I think I am getting more pissed off rather than less, but this is good.  I will finish my peanuts, finish my fourth Corona Light, and get into bed and read my book.  Then I will stop eating.  I need to save some weekly points for Sunday – my no cost party.

Back to FB.  I saw him the last 3 days.  His schedule varies so I keep thinking I will miss him.  We haven’t had a long talk, but enough.   I keep vacillating between he watches me and admires me to I am completely hallucinating that he cares at all.  Probably just for a quick lay.  BUT, in the fantasy world, reality just can’t factor in or the “feel good” is gone.  So, why go with reality?  It just bites.

I need a fantasy from our finances REALLY BAD so I will go with the whole thing.  He loves me, he wants, he thinks I’m cute, he loves to watch me, he would love to spend the rest of his life with me.  He is hot, we would have great sex for the rest of our lives, he would be loyal and cherish me and love to spend time with me.  He would never be rude or short with me and NEVER put me down in any way, shape or form.  He has money saved which we could live off comfortable and travel whenever we wanted. 

OK, I’m seeing that maybe if I have a fantasy, I want the above plus a whole lot of excess cash.  I would like the option to have nice things and to not have to do this torturous job.  BUT, loyalty is important as is passion and just thinking I am THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD.  Why not have the fantasy go over the top?  Maybe FB is not a good candidate?  Not sure, but it will help me.  I just think he is very cool in a weird way.  BUT, if he stopped being nice acting like I am special, alot of the reason for the attraction would go away, so …….we’ll see.

When I get anxious, I just realize that if something is meant to happen, it will.  AND, if it isn’t, I will move to CRUSH #4. 

I guess for not having anything to say, I certainly found something.  The other anxiety producer today was feeling my old birthday feeling that I have no friends.  I was starting to invite them and they were all busy.  I didn’t want people to think that I didn’t have any friends and I was desperate so I invited them.  I get sad around my birthday.  It is annual.  I think it goes back to childhood and it is REALLY time to GROW UP!!!  But I don’t have to unless I want to. 

When I was little, I waited all year for my birthday.  We had five kids and so I didn’t ask for anything all year.  BUT, on that one day, I literally thought the world should revolve around my every want and desire.  It was MY DAY!!!  I had waited 364 days for this.   But guess what?  No one else thought that.  No one else thought the day was any different.  So, every year I was SO DISAPPOINTED!!!  I was just so sad that no one realized that it was MY DAY!!!  No one else cared except perhaps my mother who had me.  

So, is it time to grow up?  Not sure.  I will let you know.  And on that note, I am not editting this.  I am too tired.  I am almost done with my beer and I am going upstairs before Jack and Sybil get home.  That way I won’t eat anymore and I will be in bed. 

Thanks for listening.  You are awesome and I am tired.


7 Jun


Well, I’ve been to Jamaica and back on a work trip that we won.  I went with Jack and I was very nervous about that.  Luckily we had our whole state of winners on the trip so there were lots of people to talk to and hang around with.  It was a beautiful resort and I got to work out in the morning, stretch at the pool in a class, and do aerobics in the water with these very well built Jamaican men!!!  They would pose and we would cheer.  It was a lot of fun.

Then, one night we went dancing.  The other nights I was just too tired – we only had 3 nights there!!!  I was dressed in what appeared to be a “hot” dress.  I danced like a drunken fool.  I love to dance and I will go out there by myself if I have to.  The best part is what one of the “men” said to me.  He was with the head of our state and he said that they were admiring the way I was moving my butt.  “Really”, I asked?

“I don’t remember it moving that way last year,” he said. 

“Well, I attribute it all to Zumba!!” I answered.  Wow, I thought.  I am a person that, while I love to dance, it is one of my favorite things if the music is good, I have been told that “I look funny.”  Mostly by my daughter, but was told that once in high school as well.  I am very proud and thrilled that a soon to be 53 year old woman’s butt was being admired!!!  Jack even told me that I was inspiring everyone out there.  I am not sure why, but that is very cool.  YEAH ME!!!!  One of my proudest moments.  I have lost only 26 of my 40 pounds, and yet, “MY BUTT IS BEING ADMIRED.”  I freaking love that.

Jack and I sort of got along, but I would definately say I was thinking of FB and fantasizing about FB more than I was about Jack, that’s for sure.   I mean, I enjoyed Jack’s attention and he was certainly being nice, BUT, I was a little lukewarm if I tell the truth.   I had great fun with the others, but with him I was just a little numb. 

I told think I told you about the Victoria Secrets incident, did I?  Well, to summarize, he wanted to go the Friday before the trip.  He had a gift certificate and was going to use it to buy me stuff.  I would rather have stuck pins in my eyes and told him so.  I said my friend Missy asked me to have a drink.   HE WAS PISSED!!!!

He told me that I WAS GOING TO GO AND THAT I WAS GOING TO PRETEND TO BE ENJOYING MYSELF!!!   Now, this was Friday, I had worked all week, I was tired, I had to pack and I WAS NOT GOING TO GO there.  I hated that place as it relates to “pleasing him” which is another story for another day.

OK, I’ll go, I said, but I don’t have the energy to pretend.  You’ll have to drag me around.  So he said fair enough.  We went, and at first I hated it, but I found a couple of nightgowns and some underwear under complete duress and pain.  Then, he had some money left and so we started looking at the lotions.  I relaxed at this point because it did not involve undressing and seeing myself in the horrible mirror.  By the time we left, I was ok.  We went and had a beer with Missy and the horror show was over.

He was happy that I did it for him.  He really did.  I was just feeling like a blob when we went and I couldn’t stand myself.  I had to just stop resisting it and it finally went away.  I felt like something was wrong with me – FAMILIAR feeling.

The next day we left.  Packing is stressful for me since I have Packer’s disease – overpacking issues.  AND, we had a flood through the roof which leaked only into the bag I had packed with the passports.  I had to switch bags at 5:30 AM and luckily the passports weren’t ruined.

But, once we got on the plane, I relaxed and realized it is good to get away.  Make the best of it.  Enjoy!!!  The unlimited food and drink helped!!!  And, I just got back from WW and only gained .6 of a pound.  Will wonders never cease.  I guess all the exercise and dancing  helped to counteract the eating.

Well, meanwhile I got back and went to exercise.  I was late because I hit off instead of snooze, but FB was there and he went on the elliptical next to me for his ten minutes.  We chatted.  I still like him, but I am moving more towards he probably doesn’t have the fantasy that I have, but so what?  I still love his butt and the way he talks to me AND when he looks at me with those brown eyes I kind of melt.  That is the feeling that I miss with Jack, but, we did have a talk in the airport where I told him that I just don’t want to be vulnerable right now.  I don’t want to have him go back to being mean since I like his good behavior.  So, if having a harmless fantasy makes me feel safe, then I will keep it.

I know I can change guys, so that is good.  I have changed 3 times so FB is not a permanent  problem.  I just like him and we have fun.  Just like with IS, but I don’t fantasize about him.

Well, I have to get going.  It’s nice to be back in touch.  I have to get dressed and go to the science fair for Sybil.  They are almost done with school and then we have to deal with the summer.  Oy vay!!  I’ll deal with that later. 

Thanks for listening.  Today is a pretty good day so far.   I am out in the sun in a bathing suit top typing so I don’t fade.  Not the healthies, but I love it.  Gotta go be a mom!!!!!

PS  No time to edit.  Sorry



It’s Nice to Have Friends – Bummer

1 Jun


Leaving for Jamaica tomorrow.  Getting nervous and excited. 

Jack woke me up in the middle of the night because he read an email I wrote to my friend saying how nice FB’s comments were.  That Jack was so negative that it was a refreshing change.  I don’t know why he was in my email, I guess I left it up.  He is nosy.

I defended myself saying that he is a friend and I like that he listens to me and thinks I’m a good listener.  It was a very difficult conversation.  Jack has a side where he is trying for me to like him, and another side that is a complete ass hole.  I reminded him of when he took me into a store and said, “please help her.  She doesn’t know how to dress.”  He talks down to me just like the therapist, OR, he is ripping me a new ass hole.  That is mixed with gee, why don’t you like me anymore?  It’s a bad combo for me right now so I am dreading being away with him for four days.

Meanwhile, back at the gym, I went early and had a good workout.  I left and took Sybil to her field trip bus.  I came back.  No FB.  All of a sudden he appears.  I told him I had a good story, so as he worked out, I followed him around telling him what happened.  He listened and said, “isn’t it because you have been married for so long that he can’t say anything nice?”  I said, no.  It’s because half the time he is mean as shit. 

He said, after the whole long saga, “well, we have to get you away from that.”  I said, my first step is to become financially independent from him.  Then I will have choices. 

I left and then went back.  I said, “remember when you asked how Jack could have forgiven me for what I did?”  He barely remembered, but I said, it’s because he ignored me for 16 years.  I thought I would never have sex again and this was my only chance.  He likes to ask if I see the guy and do we say hi.  Who knows why?  I couldn’t even begin to guess.

So, I left there thinking, I better find a new crush.  I spilled too much.  He still thinks I am “good people,” and it’s nice to have another guy friend, BUT, I need a romantic fantasy, not a platonic one.  I will see what I can do.  There is another guy who goes later that watches me.  I forget his name.  Maybe he is better.  I would like someone that I could have a glass of wine with and bring to a party (if I were single).  I mean, I still love FB’s ass, but if he is only interested in one thing, I am not into that.

I said, I am not going to just have sex with someone.  What if I like it and want to do it again?  That’s when the guy turns into an ass hole.  It isn’t worth it.  If he is going to be that way, I would rather keep him as a friend that I can talk to.  I don’t want him ignoring me.

Plus, SM walked out with LL.  Pisses me off a little, but I just ignore him.

Then, I told FB that DH was my first.  He said he didn’t even want to know.  I told DH he was first on my GBilf list.  “Gym boys……..”  Then he couldn’t even look at me.  Next week I’ll say, don’t worry, you were the first, but you are off now.  I said how many were on his “Gym Girls” and he first said, how many girls in the gym, but then he narrowed it down to 3.  I didn’t ask him who.

So, I will move on from FB (probably not really), and try to have a good time in Jamaica, mon.  Jack wants me to buy something at Victoria Secrets tonight and I am SO not in the mood.  I will have to pretend.  I just want to have a drink with my friend Missy and relax.  Then I have to pack.  I have packers disease which means I will always overpack no matter how hard I try not to.  I can’t even pretend not to anymore.  It’s too much wasted energy.

Well, I still like FB.  I’m sorry, I just do.  He is fun.  Steve says he will miss you and that is so cute.  He is a REALLY GOOD FRIEND.  I could call him if I needed him and that is nice. 

So, it’s good to have friends, I guess.  Wish me luck if I can’t add another post.  Thanks for being there.  Can’t edit this one – no time.  Sorry