Archive | April, 2017

Progress is Being Made

8 Apr

I’ve hired a coach like I said.  It was an impulse, spur of the moment decision when I was out in California a month ago.

I had been talking to someone about relationships and how I was “ready to be found.”

He looked at me and said, “Nope, you’re not ready.”

I was about to argue with him.   But, if I was going to be honest, I was really NOT ready to be vulnerable and trust someone again after the last guy.  I thought about it.

“Damn it.  I really thought I was ready this time.  I guess I really still don’t think I’ll get what I want.  It’s still that unlovable thing.  I thought I was over that.  How long can I talk about the same issue.  It’s from when I was 2.  Won’t this ever go away?”

“The consultants can make things disappear,” he said.  The consultants are people in the Landmark Worldwide organization who are highly trained in listening.  They were the people conducting our year long seminar.  I loved them because I could completely be myself with them and there was no judging.  They encouraged me to “get into dialogue” and talk about things when I was upset.

“Really?”  I asked him, not believing.

“Yes, I’ve seen them to do it.  They have a powerful ability to listen to people so their life long issues just disappear.”

Well, I thought, if I could disappear this issue, I could actually have the kind of relationship I want in real life, not just in the fantasy of my own mind with someone who is not interested and not capable of it either.  I talked to a few people, and before I knew it, I was giving my new coach my credit card number to charge an unbelievably large amount of money.

It just felt like the right thing to do.   I have wanted a certain kind of relationship my whole life.  It has only existed in my fantasies.  And, there are other things I have wanted to do, like get my book published, follow my passion about inspiring other people to live the life they’ve always dreamed of, and becoming a speaker.

I don’t even know what I want to speak about, I just know I am completely alive and excited when I am speaking to an audience.

That was a month ago.  Since then I have had two calls with my coach.  And it doesn’t seem like much is happening when I talk to him.  However, if I look at the progress I have made since we started, it is truly amazing.

  1.  I have had a few dates and people have all of a sudden offered to fix me up with people.  I hadn’t had a date or any interest in one before this, since the fall
  2.  I co-founded a writing accountability group with two other writers.  We are accountable to each other for taking certain actions each week.  They are awesome, powerful women.  My promise was to read ten pages of my book.  The day before our call, I hadn’t done it.  And I didn’t want to.  But because I promised them I would, I printed out ten pages and forced myself to read them.   And I felt great about keeping my word.
  3. I opened up my mouth in my California seminar.  I told them I was looking for a partner to help me publish my book.  Suzanne immediately texted her friend.  I talked to her, and then she introduced me to Maryann.  It took a week to connect with Maryann but last night we finally talked.  I sent her my book while we were on the phone.  She is going to look at it and give me a proposal on how much it will cost to get it into a state that is publishable.  She is exactly who I was looking for.  That is a miracle.
  4. A friend sent me an article.  The author found his identity using a woman, Sandra,  who specializes in linked in.   Sandra and her people read through all of his work, web sites, blogs, etc and figured out his purpose and his community role.  It resonated with me and I emailed Sandra.  After a conversation, I hired her company to do the same with me.  They will sort out my confusion reflected in my linked in, facebook, web sites, and blog to determine my purpose, and then make me Linked in reflect who I really am.  Sandra said that by just reorganizing my linked in page alone, it will result in more business.
  5. I hit my numbers for the first quarter at work.
  6. I learned that not listening does not mean no love.  That is huge for me.

All that in only one month.  And I have 11 more months left of this coaching.   Who knows what can happen?  I’m glad I took the leap of faith.

 

 

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6 Apr

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Listening equals love?

6 Apr

About a month before my dad died, I was sitting at the dinner table with him and my mom.  My mother had gotten up from the table for a minute.

My dad turned to me and said, “I’m glad you’re here.  This way I don’t have to listen to your mother.  You can listen to her instead.  Thank you for coming.”

I just stared at him, not knowing what to say.

“I really don’t care about what she says.  I just don’t.”

Telling my coach about that conversation last night just about broke my heart.  After 61 years, he didn’t care about her.  My poor mother.  How did that feel?  I couldn’t imagine going through life like that.

I recently hired a coach so that I can break through many areas of my life where I have felt stuck.  Last night I was looking at my relationships.  They have mostly followed a pattern I want to break.

I know I have a thing about men not wanting to listen to me.  Or anyone for that matter.  Like I talk too much.  Afraid I will use up any one person if I’m just myself.  To prevent that, I call different people so I can divvy up my talking quota and not overuse any one person.

And that’s how my relationships have gone.    I married my ex husband because he listened to me.  And then he stopped.

I fell in love with my last relationship because we were such good friends and I could tell him anything.  And at the end, he couldn’t wait to get away from me and not talk to me.

It seemed like the truth:  relationships start out good and then the guy doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.   I use them up.

I kept looking and looking last night.  After my call with my “male” coach, I was emailing him that I was afraid he wouldn’t want to listen to me either.  Like I was doing the coaching wrong and I was afraid he would stop listening, too, like all the other men.  (I knew having a male coach this time would bring my man issues to the surface.)  I kept writing and writing until I finally saw something huge.

I had collapsed listening with love.  That when my husband stopped listening to me I made it mean that he didn’t love me anymore.  And I pulled away.

And when the last guy would run off (he was late for work) and not have time to listen, he didn’t love me anymore.  And I would get crazy.  He couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t let him leave.  I couldn’t either.  It made no sense.

Until last night.  It seemed like my father didn’t want to listen to me.  And I had that mean that he could only love me if I was quiet and good and someone other then the real me.  My real self wasn’t lovable.

But once I uncollapsed love and listening, I could see that night differently.  Maybe he just didn’t feel well.  He wanted to lie down.  He was exhausted and just didn’t want to listen right then. If I didn’t want to listen to her at a certain time, that wouldn’t mean I didn’t love my mom.

And I know my dad loved my mom very much.  He said she was the best thing that ever happened to him.  That he didn’t know life could be this good.  And he was blessed. (And I’m glad I heard him say all that the Friday before he died).

So before, I thought that when men/people don’t want to listen it’s because I did something wrong.  That no one could love the real me who wants to talk sometimes.  I learned to be careful about how much I would say to each person.  And, if someone had to get off the phone suddenly or changed the subject on me, a part of me would kill off that relationship in my mind thinking I had been the bad, unlovable me.  And be more careful with that person in the future.

But, now that I’ve separated it, I can see that sometimes I don’t want to talk to people sometimes either, usually because I’m busy with something or just tired. And that has nothing to do with whether I love them or not.

It seems crazy, but I had listening equalling love.  And it just doesn’t.  If someone doesn’t want to or can’t listen to me at that moment, it has nothing to do with whether they love me or not. Wow!!  A new world has opened up.

It will be interesting to see what that insight will do for my life.  Sounds like a little more freedom in relationships, doesn’t it?

 

 

Messed up again

5 Apr

I’m stressing out about work.  Which is crazy since I was paralyzed by anxiety all of March trying to hit my numbers.

And I hit them.  So one would think I would actually be enjoying myself and basking in my success instead of f—–d up in the head so soon afterwards.

The problem is that in sales, the clock just starts over again.  But because I was so behind, I didn’t line up appointments for April.  And, I have made calls the last two days and haven’t booked any appointments.  So the panic is back.  WTF!

Why can’t I just learn to relax, be present, enjoy life, and live for today?  Why do I always have to be freaking crazy?  Good question.

Why do I think of Psycho (I really shouldn’t call him that, but it actually gives me a chuckle) when I am upset?  I guess because I think that having somebody could save me from all this.  (The prince rescue syndrome I call it.)

I guess I’m just on the left.  And that’s why I started the blog in the first place.  To learn tricks to get from  the Blob that I am now to happy again.

I just described this in the Blog’s “About” today.  I started the blog 5 years ago and just came out of the closet and told people about it in the last week.  My milestone for my Freedom project, I just decided, is to have 100 followers for the blog by June.  And, up until last week, I was afraid to tell anyone about it.

One of the ways to get out of it is to look at what you’re upset about.  Talk to someone, write it, or just figure it out.

Don’t resist it.  Don’t make it wrong.  Just look at it.  Take it apart. So, I am feeling hopeless.  I was up a pound at weight watchers and I am trending up instead of down.

I can’t figure out how to make my sales this quarter.  I really can’t.  And the thought of getting off my ass and prospecting on foot just makes me feel tired.

And, I just got a text from my date from Saturday night.  He wants to see me again and I just don’t want to.  And I’m afraid to tell him the truth.  But, the thought of it just makes me want to drink and eat and that’s a bad sign.  I think when I drink and eat too much on a date it means I don’t really like them.

With Psycho, I didn’t do much of either, I was just so happy to be with him.  It didn’t matter where we were.  And I want that again with someone new, to look forward to seeing them instead of dreading it, ………..blah blah blah I think I say that every day.  But it’s true.  I had it before and I will have it again.

I will not make myself wrong for being in a funk.  I will just need a plan for doing my numbers.  Track my food more carefully.  Avoid the teriyaki sauce the day before weigh in.

OK – RESOLUTIONS – 2 hours later – what a difference some time/wine makes!!!!

I told the date that my instincts were telling me no.  That I wouldn’t see him again.  He was very nice, etc., but I have learned to trust my instincts.  Wow do I feel better.  I was actually talking to another on-line potential about what to say.  Tonight’s man told me that he hates when the girls just don’t respond at all. They just disappear.   So I decided that honesty is the best policy even though it is hard.  Being “nice” and not telling the truth is actually not nice at all.  So, I told the truth.  And I feel free.  Wow!!!

Next – I will change my context for work.  Instead of it being hard and a struggle, I will change my context to “this is easy and everyone wants to buy from me.”  Work is fun.  I will soar above my numbers this quarter.

In terms of the weight, I know what to do.  I need to track and not fool myself with things like nachos and beer and chips.  I can count them if I want to eat them, but bowlfuls of them are probably way more than I am counting them as.   I won’t have teriyaki sauce the night before the weigh in.

Ok, enough for now.  Gotta get to bed!!  Alarm goes off at 4:00 AM to get to the gym!!!!  YAWN!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Your Mind Doesn’t Know Fact from Fantasy

3 Apr

Since the mind doesn’t know fact from fiction, I decided to try an experiment.  After yesterday’s blog post, I realized how crazy I am over my last guy.  It made no sense logically, but emotionally I was still hanging on to some false hope.

We still work out together some mornings, and I have still been taking things personally that he says.  Then I get sarcastic and pick a fight.  And it ends up badly.

I know I waste a lot of psychic energy obsessing about these arguments and comments, and for what?  He is neither available nor interested in having a relationship.  But I was hanging on, desperately trying to get him to change his mind about me.  I could only think I needed him to validate me.  He loved me once, how could he just change his mind after what we had together?

(This part of my brain was not looking at the facts.  It was simply desperate for something. And I knew it made no sense, but I couldn’t seem to get unhooked once I was obsessing. I felt like I had to get him to change his mind about me. And I didn’t know why.  Did it really matter what he thought I would ask myself? But it gave me no freedom.)

So I decided to play a trick on my brain.  On my way to the gym this morning I told myself that I have a loving, devoted, passionate, amazing husband at home.  We have all the good of my last relationship, plus the trust, availability, connectedness, and willingness to communicate that I have always wanted.

And a crazy thing happened.  All of a sudden I was calm.  All of a sudden I didn’t care what Psycho said.  I didn’t take his comments personally and could see him objectively. I was confident and wasn’t worried about finding the next guy so I could prove to Psycho that I really was ok and desirable.  The desperation disappeared.

It was incredible.

And I am going to live into that future now of being loved, honored and respected.   I don’t know when I will meet the actual person that I am meant to experience this with, but I am no longer in a panic to prove something.   It’s crazy.

And, according to what I’ve read, the subconscious mind will go to work to make my thoughts come true. Because the mind doesn’t know the difference between fact and fiction.

So, go ahead mind.  Take it away.  I am finally going to enjoy my life.

Thank you in advance.

 

Oops – I forgot I had a Great Life

3 Apr

Finally, after 6 hours of searching, I figured out how to change my sub-title for this blog.  So I have replaced the Menopause sub-titl with “Oops – I forgot I had a Great Life………..

Today I was at the gym.  A different one than normal.  I saw a guy I knew from high school.  He was a class above me.

“How’s it going?” he asked me.

In that split second I remembered that the last time I saw him my father was still alive, but struggling.  Sadness took over my voice and all I could say was quiet  “ok.”

“Come on,” he said. “It’s a beautiful day.  Life is good.”

I was tempted to tell him about my dad, but something made me tell him instead about my plans to meet Renee, who he also knew, for breakfast.  She just moved to his neighborhood.  I tried to be upbeat as we chatted about where he lived  and how she should come visit, etc.  I smiled, pretending I was REALLY HAPPY ABOUT MY LIFE.

And I walked away thinking, “he probably thinks I am just a sad, pathetic, negative phony jerk.”   My good feeling from my work out had disappeared after our conversation, with me wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn’t just be upbeat and happy all the time like him.

I told Renee about it and she said, “if you tell people about your Dad, they will have more freedom around the sadness.  It changes everything.  You don’t have to pretend to be happy.”

Oh, I thought.  Well I could try that instead.  Would be easier.

Later today, while on my deck, in the sun, I was reading a book called the Charisma Myth.  It was talking about that exact thing.  How if we can prevent, identify or address the internal discomforts that cause our faces and bodies to display negative body language, we can minimize how it affects others.  People can sense when we have a negative thought, physical discomfort, or unhappy emotion.  They subconsciously think we are responding to them and it can put an unconscious barrier between us.

The book also addresses “feeling bad about feeling bad,” one of my all time ‘send me over to the wrong side of life’ triggers.  Not only do I feel bad about something, but I think I shouldn’t feel bad so I feel even worse.  Again, I thought I was the only one who did this.

It’s all learning and I guess we are never done.  That’s what makes life exciting, right?

And it’s all on the path to freedom.

Thanks for reminding me I have a great life.

I’m having an internal tantrum

2 Apr

I was trying to change the subtitle of my blog from “Is this Menopause or do I hate my life?”  to something a little more uplifting.

And I can’t figure out how.  But in the process, I looked at my old blogs from 2012.  I was still married, having fantasies about a certain guy from the gym, and always mad at my husband.   Do I really need people to read all that?  It’s more like a journal.  Should it be public?  Probably not.

So what do I do?  Should I even have a blog?   What’s  the purpose?  If it’s supposed to be helpful to others, then I have no clue what I am doing.  I feel like I’m 5 years old, throwing my hands in the air and yelling, “I CAN’T DO THIS!!!” And throwing myself on the ground, flailing like my daughter did when she was two years old.  We called them butt flops.

I don’t know how so I am going to quit.  Life sucks and then you die.  Whah. Whah. Whah.   I want to just curl up and suck my thumb………………

OK.  Back to adulthood.  The title is negative, so I was just trying to figure out how to make the sub-title  more positive.  And I got frustrated.  I guess I could ask for help.  I could password protect the ones I don’t want people to see, but in this mood that would be all of them, so what’s the point.

I am siting out on my deck, in my own private rental cottage, without a husband, without my fantasy man, and life is actually good.  I am frustated, but life is still good.  The sun is shining and I am outside in my shorts and tank top.  (I have sunscreen on, but will go get my hat since I already have so many wrinkles).

I was out earlier but it was too cold.  It has definitely warmed up.  The problem with sitting outside is that you can’t see the screen.  I can’t do most work outside for that reason.  So, coming outside is a luxury.  But it’s Sunday so why am I even thinking I need to be working?  (More, self torture). Why can’t I just relax for a change?

I guess what else is bothering me is what I had been reading from five years ago.  When I looked back at my fantasies, I was on the other side of the relationship with my last person.  The one who lied about being married.  I’ll call him Psycho for now.  And, I was so excited when he would pay attention and say nice things.  It made me so happy.  And I held onto it for dear life back then.

And, it was ok at that time because I was still married so it really was just a fantasy.  When I got divorced, we actually did start having a relationship.  It was magical for a while even though he did get mad sometimes.  He would always apologize after and make me promise not to leave him.  And I stuck by him, loving him as I did.  And it was heaven.  The happiest time of my life.

But then his wife called me.  Yes, he had a wife.  He had told me he was divorced, but he wasn’t.  And it deteriorated after that.  He couldn’t keep both of us happy and she held his financial future in her hands and I didn’t.

And, I make myself wrong for loving him so much even though he was a liar.  And, if I look back, I put up with his anger, accusations, witholding of himself, and not having much time.  I hung in there thinking he needed me.  And I try not to feel completely stupid that I believed his lies.

But, the truth be told, I really did care about this nut case.  And I still do in some ways.  I think the connection was so deep and so strong that I thought I was being “loyal” or “supportive” or “patient” through his angry and insulting interludes.  (I hate to say it was sort of normal for me.  My dad, God rest his soul, was a wonderful man, but he didn’t hold back his opinions.  So, it didn’t seem unusual unfortunately.)

What bothers me is that I still think about this person coming back to me after his “supposed” divorce.  And that we would be so happy together.  In my mind it could be so good.

I guess when I meet someone new that I am crazy about, I will move on.  Until then, in my down moments, I will allow myself to fantasize.  It doesn’t hurt anyone and it doesn’t put on weight!!!!!!

And, my date from last night was……I created a new scale for evaluating dates:

  • horrible
  • tolerable
  • enjoyable
  • can’t wait to see him again

Last night’s was very  nice.  I would put him in between enjoyable and tolerable.  He has already called and texted.  He was very nice and I was his first date after his divorce so I don’t want to be mean.  But, it’s my life.

And what I really want is the connection I had with my last guy.  It was so exciting.  I told my sister I didn’t think yesterday’s guy was my type and she said:

“Maybe you should change your type!”

So here’s a chance for me to trust myself and not let her comment seem like the truth.

“My test is if I’d rather be home alone with a book, he’s not my type,” I said.

“Oh,”  She said.  So there.  Nothing more said.  YAY ME!!

So if I’m hanging onto to Psycho it’s because I loved what we had, as crazy as it was.  I am going to hold out until I have that again.   I don’t need to take the first semi-normal guy who pays attention to me.  I like my life alone right now.  I love the freedom.

I miss the affection, passion, and companionship.  I miss thinking someone has my back and will help me with my car and other manly things.  But I will survive without them.  And, I can hold out for what I want.

And if this blog is not the way a blog is supposed to be, then I guess it doesn’t matter.  There is no grade.  I am not trying to get into an Ivy League school with it.  Been there, done that.   That degree didn’t pay my bills when my ex spent more then we made.

So, I will figure out how to change the subtitle of the blog when I do.  And, I will continue to express myself.  This is about freedom, not trying to get it right or worry about what people say.  It is for me.  I don’t know why this works to calm me down, but it does.  So thanks for listening.   I feel much better now.

I Have a Date Today

1 Apr

Yes, today, not tonight.  It’s at 3:00 pm.  Today is Saturday.  I haven’t had a date since the fall.  After signing up for E-Harmony, I had 18 dates in two weeks.  After 20 years of marriage and a divorce, I had thought it was time to get back in the game..

At first I was excited by the sheer number, but after a few of them turned about to be a little odd, I just stopped.  I didn’t want to talk about sex before I met the guy. And he got mad and insulted me.  Another one told me he was still married and living with his wife halfway through dinner.   So I got a little gun shy.

I did my usual, “who cares?  who needs it?  I’m better off alone then having to deal with this s–t.”

So today, five months after the last one, I am once again playing the game. And, in some ways I’m excited.  I feel almost giddy.  And, I’m clear it’s not about him.  Or even me.  It’s like a society thing.

“You have a date? Oh tell me about it,” like it’s fascinating or something.  I guess because it could lead to something that they could live vicariously through.  Who knows, it could end up being “True Love.”  And isn’t that what fairy tales are made of? And isn’t that what we all want?  I know I do.  The prince to ride up, grab me, and solve all my problems.  I will be thin, beautiful, and want for nothing.  But I digress.  Back to today.

It’s almost like some other person will dress up my body in clothes that seem appropriate to wear, brush my hair as nicely as it can be, and put make up on me in the middle of the day.  This person will be friendly, try to act in a way that is socially acceptable, and have appropriate conversations with this person.  She will try not to look at her phone to see how much time has passed.  When a polite amount of time has gone by, the date will be deemed “over”. This person will go home, go inside her house, and rip off her “date clothes.”

When I have returned to “said body,” I will put on my sweat pants, open the bottle of wine and bag of chips I have waiting, and call my friend, Renee.

“Another weirdo,” I will say.

Wow, where did all that come from?  My subconscious?  Scary.  I didn’t realize how resigned and negative I am about dating.  I guess I’m going through the motions.  Afraid to hope.  Afraid to get excited.  Afraid another one will lie about being married and I’ll find out too late.  I think I have so many freaking barriers up that I should have the guy park a mile away and just wave to me.

(I just remembered that when I had first gotten married 20 years ago I used to have nightmares.  I would wake up in a cold sweat. Guess what they were about?  That I was still dating.  I’d wake up, look at my husband, and realize I didn’t have to date anymore and be happy.

Well, like in Carrie, I’M BACK!!!!!!  HELP!!!  How did this happen?

This blog has taken a surprising turn.  I thought I was just going to write about my date’s looks, mean as it is.  In his E-Harmony picture, his hair looks like the not Jim Carey guy in Dumb and Dumber.  I was hoping that maybe he would have had it cut by now. Unfortunately he told me today that he looks exactly the same as he did in the picture.  Not any different.

“Damn,”  I thought.

I left my friend Renee a voicemail about the hair.

“Enjoy your hairy date,” she texted.

“I’m bringing a scissors,”  I replied.

So that may be the most fun I have.  Oops, negativity again.  Wow.  I am so resigned and cynical about men and relationships even though I say that’s my dream.

So, I will create a new future for this date.  I will meet a nice person, find out about his life, and let him know something about me.  I will be myself, have fun, and be present.  If I would like to see him again I will (if he also wants to), and if I don’t, I will not.  Nothing to worry about.  I am sure I will look my best and will pick the right clothes to wear (i.e. that my mother will approve of…..that could be a whole other blog entry for another day).  And have fun.  I need to have fun.

OK, wish me luck ………………..I think I feel sick……..I don’t think I can do this………………

 

 

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