tiredoffeelingbad

I love the fact that someone on a dating web site can decide I am nice, voluptuous, sexy, wonderful and already be telling me what we are going to do together.

But, I haven’t met the guy yet.  So WTF?

Why would he get so attached before we have met?  He doesn’t even know me.

I mean, we all want to find “the one,” but how can you know that if you don’t even know the person?  Is it the fantasy you are thinking about or the actual person?  Are you willing to get to know them and put the work in or just glom on to an idea and suffocate them, driving them away in the process?

OK, I need to slow down, relax, and breathe.   I’ve talked to this guy a few times, but never met him.  He doesn’t sound too bad, but there’s some kind of suffering I can hear in his voice.   Since I have that too, I’m afraid it could be a problem.  I need someone uplifting.  Plus, when I looked at his picture, I was not so attracted.

Mean, but what can I say?  He had this big walrus mustache that made me want to gag.  I know, what a bitch.  But, I’ve decided to be honest.  He somehow mentioned that he got rid of it, though.

Now here’s another thing.  He grew up rich, lost it all, and is now struggling to make ends meet and needing to  take care of some family members.  But it’s the self pity that worries me.

Why am I telling you all this?  I don’t know.

But here’s my breakthrough for the day.  I was sharing with him about the courses and seminars I do.  He was being negative.  “I already know my problems,” he said.  “I already know what I need to do.”

“What if there’s something you don’t know?”  I asked.

He started arguing with me.  Finallly I lost it.

“These courses and programs have given me the tools to have more freedom and power in my life.  I am looking for someone who is also looking to grow and development.  If you are not interested in that, that is great.  I’m not looking to change anyone.  BUT, I am not interested in someone who is not open to that.   I want someone who does not want to stay stuck and trusts me when I say I am offering them gold.  I want someone who’s willing to take the gold and explore having a great life together.”

He didn’t say anything.  I was on a roll, but it felt great to unleash myself natural  passion for the first time in my life.

“I’m sorry,”  I said.  “But I think I just let loose 24 years of frustration.  And, it’s true.  I will no longer tolerate being with someone who thinks they know everything and isn’t open..”

“Well,……..I guess I’d be willing to find out about it,” he said.

“Good.”

I may or may not meet him later.  Either way is fine.

But, the great thing is that I expressed myself.  That is new for me.  I am tired of putting up with what I don’t want because I am afraid to say it.  Afraid they will “leave me in the driveway” or something like that.

So, let’s put a check in the FREEDOM column for today.  It feels great.

Plus, I have shared the blog with 3 people so far today and it’s only 12:41 PM.

Just getting into action has made me feel WAY more alive.  I guess I got “off it.”

Are you “on it?”

Today I went out of my box and shared about my blog to more then 5 people on a daily call I went on.  I didn’t want to, but I promised my seminar group that I would have a breakthrough in not being negative,  or “on it” as we call it, and share with 5 people a day.

So, I shared, and I was moved by the response.  People were asking me for the name of it, two people told me they had told their friends about it already, and two others texted me for additional information.

I was so happy and thrilled.  I texted my group and they gave me the thumbs up.  And then, this afternoon I checked my stat page and it was a huge yellow bar that didn’t even fit on the page.  I had 19 views.  I wanted to do a dance around my cottage.  YAY!

But here’s the scary part.  I then checked the comments.  0.  My milestone is 25 comments and 50 by June 12, and I have been stuck at 18 for 3 weeks.  Debbie Downer took over and I Immediately morphed to “the left” side of life.  (Explained in the Blog’s “About”).    My happiness was replaced with a heavy dose of silent miserable suffering.

Negative thoughts swirled out of control in my brain.  What’s the use? This is stupid.  Obviously they hated what they read and were too embarassed for me to comment.  Why am I doing this?  Who needs the aggravation?  I’m done.  I quit.

My energy was gone, replaced by exhaustion.  I went outside to my deck.  It was too cold to stay out.  I came back inside, needing to take a nap.

I really want to be outside, I thought.  I can make this work.  I grabbed a yoga matt, fleece jacket, blanket, pillow, and a quilt and made myself a nice little bed outside on my deck.  I arranged the blankets and moved my legs around until I got into a comfortable position.

I stared at the blue sky.  What is wrong with me?  Why can’t I ever stay happy for more then a minute?  Why can’t I ever just enjoy my success?

Because you can’t have you want, the voice said.

But I got views, I said.  People at least looked.

Exactly.  But they didn’t comment.  And that’s what you wanted.

How old is this conversation?  I wondered.  Probably 2.  All of mine are.  When they left me in the driveway, I must have decided I couldn’t have what I wanted.  I wanted to go to the concert.  And they left me there.  WAHHHHHH (sound of crying).

OK, if I upgraded “No one cares” yesterday, I can upgrade this one too.

Let’s see……………..”I can have what I want.  I can ask for it AND, it may not always look like I think it should or happen as fast as I want it to.”

That’s much better.

AND, I don’t know why those people didn’t comment.  Maybe they didn’t know how.  Maybe they were in a rush.  Maybe they did and I didn’t see them.  I don’t really know.   All I know is that my mind always goes to the worst case.  And thinks the worst.

So, as I laid there, listening to the waves, I  realized that my life is pretty fucking good.   I “got off” it again.  It doesn’t mean anything if people didn’t comment.  I did what I said I would do and shared.  That’s all I can control.   And I will do it again tomorrow.  And who knows where this will lead.

I have this great cottage for as long as my landlord lets me stay.  I have money in the bank.  My health is good.  I work out every day.  I have friends and family that I love.  I’m seeing an old friend for dinner tonight.  I have a potential date for tomorrow night who actually might seem normal.  I’m holding my own at work.

So, ok, I’m up a couple of pounds, I didn’t get comments, and there are moments when I am still REALLY sad and miss my dad.  But I can just be sad and it’s a lot better then pretending I’m not.

This morning on my way home from the gym there was a huge cloud high in the sky that looked like a person reaching out.  I decided it was my dad.  And I talked to him. Out loud in my car.   And I cried.  And it was great.  I told him everything.

So things are good.  And I am grateful that people were interested enough to view my blog.  And, I might create a new milestone for views.  Why not?  It seems like something I can effect/affect (I never remember which one to use)  more than comments.

So thank you whoever (whomever?) is reading this.  I appreciate it and I hope something I have said can make a difference for you.  I’m afraid people will think I am always down and out.  I’m afraid they will think a lot of things.

And, the times when I write are when I am feeling bad.  This is a tool for me to transform those feelings.  The woman who wrote Eat, Pray, Love said that you write for yourself.  Don’t write for others.  You do what you need to do.

So I have to remind myself of that whenever I am worrying about what people are going to think.  And, continue to write.  Because I love to.  I don’t know why, but I do.

Why don’t I just keep this as a private journal? one of my friends asked me.

Good question.  But if I did, it could rob the one person who might need this a chance to read it.  And why should I limit myself because of my fears?  I’m the possibility of Freedom.  And, being Happy, Whole and Complete.   And, wouldn’t that happy and whole person make this available to everyone?

…………………I thought you’d agree.

So thanks again for reading.  I’ve got to go get “dolled up” for my dinner.

‘Surveys show that most of us say we believe in God, yet too few of us choose to believe in ourselves.
To my mind that’s like praising an architect and then being afraid to walk into one of his or her buildings!”

-Bruce Garrabrandt-

I just saw this quote after writing this blog and I thought it underlined what I was writing about.  Here’s my entry:

This past week I have been really upset with a bunch of people.  Not for what they said or did but because of what I was sure they meant by it all.

And, every time, I was very wrong.  It seems silly now, but at the time, I only knew what was in my head.  And, my head always seems to be very, very negative and disempowering.

Here is one example.   I was talking to my work out buddy after Tuesday as we were leaving the gym.  I knew he had over an hour to get to work, so I walked with him to his car, wanting to ask him a question.  From out of no where, he tone changed, he said “I gotta go,” got in his car, and left, very abruptly.  I had my mouth open in shock and he almost ran me over my foot.  I gave him the finger as he drove away, muttering, “WTF?  What an ass hole.  Fuck you.”

I couldn’t get it out of my mind.  All day long my mind revisited the scene of the crime.  “I will never walk him to his car again.  I should have known not to do that.  Why did I try to talk to him when he was rushing, I am an idiot.”

By the next day I was feeling physically ill.  I don’t know why but everything about my life was looking bad.  “I must be really annoying.  I obviously was bothering him.  I can’t even have a friend without literally driving him away.  He couldn’t get away from me fast enough.  I must be really horrible.”  I went home in between meetings and had to lay down on the couch.  My body hurt and I had no energy.  What was wrong with me?  Why was I like this?

I tried to get my mind in a better place.  I didn’t do anything wrong.  He just has issues.  It’s his problem, not mine.  Why should I even care?  It’s my fault for hanging out with an ass hole.  Anyone would tell me that.  I deserve it.  I am really stupid.

No matter what I told myself, I ended up going down a very dark tunnel in my mind and it seemed like something was very wrong with me and my life.

I started thinking maybe I had caught the flu or a bug.  My stomach was a mess and I was in pain.

Now, mind you, my original incident as a child was being left in the driveway by our neighbors.  They lied to me about where they were going and I waited and waited for them to come back.  I was two years old.  Even though it sounds ridiculous, it was my break in belonging and I subconsciously made a lot of decisions about life in that moment.

Today, two days later, at the gym, I ignored my friend.  I was so mad I couldn’t even talk to him.

“What is wrong with you?” he asked.

I was secretly pleased that he noticed and that he seemed to care.

“Let me ask you a question,”  I said.  “In my mind you had over an hour to get to work on Tuesday.  Why the hell did you peal out like you were on fire?  All of a sudden you became a crazy person.”

“I had to go help someone.  I was in a hurry.”

“Well, it seemed like you were mad about something.”

“No.  When I decide it’s time to leave, no one is going to stop me.  Not even Donald Trump.  I just go.”

We discussed it for a while.

“Next time I’ll be nicer,” he said.

I went up to him a little bit later.  “It made me feel like you didn’t care.  You were nice one minute and the next you couldn’t wait to get away from me.”

“Are we still talking about this?” he asked.  He cocked his eyebrow.

“Yes.  I am,  I was really upset.  Can you imagine if it happened to you?  Wouldn’t you wonder what you had done?”

“Yes, but I would ask the person.”

“Well, I wasn’t going to see you for two days.”  I said.

“Oh, well yeah I guess.”

So in the end, his leaving like that had nothing to do with me.  It wasn’t because I bothered him or annoyed him at all.  So I should have been good.

But as I was leaving, I realized he never did say that he cared.  I started getting anxious.

“Why?” I asked myself.  Why is this bothering me so much?

No one cares, my little mind said.  No one REALLY cares about you.  Or they wouldn’t have left you in the driveway.

And, there it was.  My little 2 year old has been suffering for all these years thinking that no one really cared about me.  It started making sense.

I could see my pattern.  When someone that I liked acted like they cared about me I would get really happy.  Euphoric even.  But eventually, something would happen that would kick my “no one cares” into action.  It could be acting annoyed with me, leaving in a hurry, making a face or a negative comment.  I would lose my grounding and get really really needy.  I would need reassurance in order to feel secure.  It was a terrible feeling to feel that pathetic.

And I hadn’t been able to figure out how to stop it before.

I wanted to go back to my friend and ask him if he cared.  But why should I?  He obviously did in some way since we worked out together and he did ask me what was the matter with me.

I decided, instead,  to upgrade my two year old conversation that “no one cares.”

People just have their own lives, just like I do.  If I’m annoyed with someone, it doesn’t mean I don’t care.  I’m just annoyed.

So this is what I decided.  People do care AND they also have their own lives to live.  It’s not always about me.  It doesn’t mean they don’t care.

What do you think about that?  I like it.

I have been hanging out in my little cottage on the beach since noon today.  I sat outside reading even though it was cold.  I used my 5 burner grill and made food for the week.

I finished my book.  It was called “The Award” by Danielle Steel.  I had stopped reading her because she was so “cliche”, but these days, I enjoy a simple to read book with a happy ending.  Her writing is smooth, tells a great story, and you can be happy at the end.  This was a little bittersweet, but it was about a woman who was courageous as a young girl  during the Holocaust who was finally rewarded for her bravery at the end of her life.

I’ve had a great day.  Enjoyed my solitude and peace.  And yet, I am sad.  I had a discussion with my mom today that really frustrated me.  And, I feel bad that she can’t understand what I was talking about.  And this is all a familiar thing for me.  It’s happened before.

She questions everything.  And I hear it as a criticism.  And sometimes, I just need to get away from there.  I don’t always want to have to defend everything I do.  I feel judged, criticized, and not accepted for how I am.  And, I feel terrible when I leave.

She says that she just wants to know me better.  That’s why she asks questions.  That’s just who she is and what she does.  Why do I have to take it as a criticism?

And the conversation went on and on.  It started because my brother was questioning her:  why did you put the liquid from the smoked salmon on the serving plate?  Why do you have your eggs cooking in that little pot?  Why are you using that burner?

I commented that it was just like having my father around.  He criticized everything.  And I asked him how his children responded to his constant questioning?

He didn’t think it was a problem but his wife, Linda, says he needs to change how he says things.   It sounds like he is judging everyone and that his way is always better.

Well, yes, I agree, I thought.

“Why don’t you like questions?”  My mother asked me, now putting the focus on me.  Damn, I thought.  Why is this now on me?

I tried to tell her because I felt criticized.  I didn’t like to always have to defend myself.

“I only ask so I can learn more about you,” she said.  “I don’t know why you would always take it as a negative.”

Really?  I thought to myself.  Does it really matter why I brushed my teeth a second time after drinking coffee.  (I didn’t like the taste in my mouth).  How is that getting to know me?

I tried to tell her how I felt.  And she didn’t understand.  And the conversation lasted for 30 minutes until I was in the driveway trying to leave and yelling at her in frustration.  I’m sure the neighbors enjoyed it.

And, it felt just like when I tried to explain to my ex husband why him doubling our debt on our house over 20 years was disturbing to me.  I would have thought we would have paid off the mortgage and had more equity.  Instead, we kept refinancing and taking out home equity loans.  That bothered me, just like his spending more then we made.

And for 20 years I tried to explain why his spending upset me.  And he could never understand.   NEVER!!!  And he kept telling me to try to explain it again.  And he still didn’t understand what the problem was.  To this day…….

And it was frustrating… And, after many years I started doubting my sanity.  Was it me?  Why was I upset?  Was I just crazy?

OK – later –

I just talked to a friend.  She said I have to give up being right.

Right about what?  I couldn’t imagine………………………..

That your mother needs to understand.  That she needs to stop asking questions.  She is not going to change.  You need to let it go.  Play with it.  Do something different.  This isn’t working for you.

She’s right.  I will.  Even though I don’t want to, I will.  Because this is too exhausting.  I will call her and make it all better.  I don’t like not getting along.  It makes me really sad.  And tired.  Too tired to call right now.  Maybe I’ll call her tomorrow.

Good night.

I am in a funk.  So let’s see if writing helps.

I ave been in and out of one since Monday.  And today is Wednesday.

I’m trying to remember when the funk started.  AHA!!!!!

• When the linked in lady told me I shouldn’t link my blog to my linked in page.  I have been upset since then. She said that because it is personal and about my feelings, it  should not be mentioned.  Well, in my mind it’s obvious that they think I shouldn’t be writing about how I feel.   And they ust think the whole blog is stupid.  I don’t know why I ever thought it was a good idea.  I must look like a complaining, negative, babbling idiot.  I’ll just stop writing and avoid the embarassment and humiliation.  I am done.
  • Action step instead of quitting – call the lady and ask her why she said what she said.
• Weight – I didn’t like my weigh in.
  • Action step instead of eating to make myself feel better – accept what is.  Focus on what I am eating and drinking each day.  That is all I can do.  I know that when I get anxious and all I want to do is “LOSE WEIGHT,” I end up gaining.  Instead, I need to focus on “hitting the ball”, not on the score.
• Living situation – I don’t know if I am staying or going in less then a month.
  • Action step instead of being in denial – Call my landlord about whether he is extending my lease for the summer or not.  I am avoiding making the call but I will do it today
• Party Friday – I have been thinking about cancelling it because no one can stay late and most aren’t even coming.
  • Action step instead of being an idiot  – Relax and let it be fun.  Remove the pressure.  It will be however it is supposed to be.

END OF DAY REPORT – I am feeling much better.

1. I called the linked in lady and she told me the reason why she told me not to link the page to my blog is because of what I told her when we met.  I had told her I would feel uncomfortable if work people read about my real feelings and thoughts.  She had no opinion about it.  She was merely repeating what I had said.
   1. Lesson learned:  I just spent 5 days thinking being negative and thinking they thought the whole blog is stupid.  I thought they thought I shouldn’t be writing about my feelings, ……….. I WASTED all this time  thinking that what I made up was true.  Next time I will “check it out” quicker so I don’t waste so much time.

2. I called another person I had had an interaction with that didn’t work.  I had emailed her and she didn’t respond.  So I decided I was going to quit working with her on our joint project.  B-Bye, I thought.

But then I realized I was just being right about what she did.  I wanted to punish her by quitting.  And it was familiar.  I’ve done it before and I no longer want to be that kind of person anymore.

So I got over myself and emailed her again.  She responded quickly and asked me to call her.  And I did.  And it was great.  And we are back in affinity.

Lesson learned:  Get into communication quicker and don’t waste so much time thinking negative thoughts.

3. I called my landlord.  He is still trying to figure it out and will get back to me tomorrow.  We strategized about a good alternative.

4. I talked to my coach.  I identified where I get stuck, lose my power, stop working, and just want to “go home.”  So I have more triggers to look for and recognize and hopefully will spend less time on the left side of life.

I also figured out that I am not in action because I can’t find the book that I have all my to do’s in.  And I don’t know where it is so I need to find it.  And I will.  Tomorrow.  Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I’ll find it Tomorrow.  (It’s supposed to be sung to the Annie tune.)

I also decided (again) that one of my goals is to accept myself however I am.  And to get that everything is really ok.  So when I wake up in a panic in the middle of the night thinking, “I don’t know what to do,” I can remember this.  I can just breathe and realize that everything is ok.  It’s all working out just fine.

I can then peacefully go back to sleep and dream happy thoughts instead of spending hours worrying and feeling anxious.  Sounds like a great plan to me.  Wish me luck remembering all this!!!!!  Good night.

I asked a lot of people to comment on this blog so I could make my milestone for tonight of 25 comments.  So far no new comments have come in.

So part of me wants to just say “fuck it, I don’t give a flying fuck!!”

The other part wants to cry that no one loves me and never will.

The other part just wants to go to sleep.

The other part doesn’t care.

Who will win?  There’s not even a positive thought that could pull me out of this funk.  So, I will try venting out the shit that’s in my brain and see if that helps:

• the linked in people think this blog is too personal to be mentioned on my business linked in page – This is what I write about.  It is going to say I’m a writer.  So how can this not be appropriate?  But, what if they are write and this is just stupid feeling shit?  I want to scream.
• some people at work are acting really strange and I feel like my authority is being thwarted so I want to make them wrong and talk about them and that’s totally unprofessional and immature
• plenty of people said they would comment on my blog and they didn’t
• I went out with a total ass hole on a date last night and he called me difficult – NUH UH – it really wasn’t me but part of me thinks maybe he’s right even though I know he wasn’t
• I told my ex that I went someplace we used to go and he said he had blocked that place out.  Even though I shouldn’t care, that comment got under my skin.  Then he acted all mysterious about what he was doing and even though I know it’s none of my business and again, I shouldn’t care, whenever I think of it, it bugs the crap out of me.
• I’m tired.  I got up early and I have my seminar tonight and I just might have to take a nap.   I should be making phone calls, but…………….
• After last night I never want to date again.  This guy was so unpleasant.  I had more fun talking to the mother and daughter at the table next to us then I did him.  Every time they said something he had to say he had been there, done that, too.  UGH!!!!!!

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH – I will come back later – this isn’t helping.

Later:  I gave myself a time out.  I laid on my nice blue couch with my favorite pillow and blanket and meditated.  I allowed myself to feel the disappointment and sadness:

• my ex’s comments that he was blocking out what I thought was a wonderful memory
• that my date was such a mean jerk, telling me what I could and couldn’t do or order and then acting like I was difficult
• that NO ONE had looked at the blog after asking around 15 people
• that I felt like I had an unproductive day
• that I am not hitting my milestone for the seminar – and actually, I said 15-25 and I have 18 so I actually am

So, feeling the disappointment instead of thinking I shouldn’t be feeling bad is very freeing.  Just like when I was annoyed.  And, I am not very good at it.  So, next time maybe I won’t waste 12 hours feeling bad and I could shorten the time up a little.

And, just because no one is reading this and the linked in lady doesn’t think it’s professional, doesn’t mean “I DON’T HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY AND CONTRIBUTE.”

I do because I say so.  Thanks for listening.