“When you hold resentments toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

– Catherine Ponder-

Ok, Ok, I’ll get off it with the person from work.  I already called her and everything was fine.  I didn’t bring up our fight and I will call her again later and not mention it.

Normally I would make it a big deal and keep asking if she was still mad.  If she resented me?  If she wants to talk about it?  It would keep the conversation alive.

And, also, if someone is in a bad mood, it’s not my job to get over it.  They’ll get over it when they do.  It’s actually not my fault or having anything to do with me.  And, my attempts to get them “over it” or talk it out are actually not helpful at all.  In fact, they are probably very annoying.

My biggest fear of being too annoying to be loved was actually being created by me.

I see the pull to still want to discuss the argument with my WF (Work Friend).  But I’m not going to.  Because that would just keep that unhappy conversation alive.  And what for?  So I can prove that I’m not a bad girl?  To prove that I am likable?

What will that accomplish?  It’s actually good that I said something in retrospect.  Because trying to be a “good” girl has allowed myself to be insulted, disrespected, treated like crap, and often disappointed.  I have not stood up for myself because I was afraid to get people mad.  And, as I have said, they get mad anyway.  So it’s a bad strategy.

And, the new me is a little uncomfortable.  But, I am forging the way to freedom and power and having “what I want when I want  it.”  It’s a lot better then “don’t get your hopes up, you will get disappointed.”

So, wish me luck.  Have a great day!!!

Whatever you think about all the time you will attract into your life. Not what you want – what you think about.

Bob Proctor – Speaker and Author

So what do you think about?

I know that for the last two weeks we do not have much business going in.  It’s the start of the quarter and I am afraid we are getting behind.  And the thought paralyzes me.

And then I realized that this is familiar every quarter.  At the end of the prior quarter we are so focused on hitting our numbers that we don’t line things up for the next one.  And, we start off behind.

Two things have been helping me:

• Panic doesn’t help.  I actually do know what to do if I can allow myself to think clearly.  I need to focus on setting appointments because that’s the only way to succeed in our business.  Just because I don’t have as many set as I would like, it doesn’t mean I can’t just set them up now.  That’s the way to open new accounts and sell more in the old ones.
• When the panic starts, I take a deep breath.  And, I remember that for the last 6 quarters I started out behind and then finished strong anyway.  This is just the way it always starts out.

So I needed to write this so I remember.  I gotta go.  I’m starting to panic!!  I better go set some appointments!!!

When I don’t know what to do, I tend to not do anything.  A great idea one minute can disappear very quickly and I don’t even know it’s gone.  And then some day way later I remember and wonder what the hell happened to it.

This happens with my book, with work, with even thinking about a relationship, or with anything else new..

So, what can I do about it?  What can I do so that the things I am passionate about but I’ve never done before do not disappear?

Suggestions I have received:

• Explore the topic – make it fun and not significant
• Ask for help
• Chunk out managable tasks
• Take an action without trying to get it right
• Do something small
• Figure out what I am willing to be “ordered” around
  • this needs a little explanation I think – I have been “ordered” around not getting criticized, being liked, and being “good”  – this gets me no where, I’ve decided.  I don’t get what I want and people get mad and upset anyway.  So, I have decided to be organized around something new – Today I am being organized around LOVE.
  • And, this is important for me today since my sister is in town.  I think she is mad at me and I am going to respond with love instead of what I really want to do which would be to completely tell her off.  Wish me luck with this.
  • And, there is someone at work who is acting the same as my sister.  I really want to let this person have it as well, but I am going to be organized around love instead.
  • Actually, that’s bull shit.  I’m not really being that good.  I am just ignoring this person for now.  So I can’t say I’m REALLY ACTUALLY doing the love thing.  But it sounds good, right?
  • And now that I’ve been truthful about my nastiness maybe I’ll have some freedom.  We will see.

OK, that’s enough.  I will explore this topic more at a later date.  Gotta go.  Have a great night!!!

Freedom.  That’s what I’m looking for.

Freedom to communicate without worrying about people getting upset or mad.  Not that I want them to, but to not be constrained by the fear of it.

And, to learn to communicate in such a way that I don’t get people upset.

This week I attempted to communicate with my coworker and it did not work too well.  She got upset and then I was upset that she was upset and we were both upset for over 24 hours.  We finally talked and it seems to be behind us, but……..it wasn’t fun.

So, even though I was proud that I opened my mouth, I learned a lesson.  Not all communication is effective.  And, I have a lot to learn.

And, sometimes it seems my only choices are to shut up or sound like a raving bitch.  So I am looking for another option where I can speak without it sounding nasty.  Haven’t found it yet.

Also, some people will turn on me if they don’t give them their way and so that has kept me from speaking many times.  I have let their domination shut me down.  Some use guilt, insults, taking themselves away, or getting mad at me.  And, I have allowed it.  So I’m looking at that one too.

All in the name of freedom for me to be myself.  I have been a people pleasing, avoider of unpleasantness and I am done with that.  I am taking on being fully self-expressed no matter what.

Wish me luck.  I am a little “fwightened.”  (If I knew how to put an emoji here, I would.)

After the last post I was not really feeling great about myself.  I knew I had run away instead of letting Haley and this other girl know how I felt.  So,…….

I texted the girl and told her.  I said I ran away instead of talking about what was going on.  Her tone and the way she dismissed me made me feel irrelevant, unwanted, and unimportant.  Growing up I would have just run up to my room and started reading, instead of staying with my family at the dinner table..  I told her I was getting into communication instead of must making her wrong.  It only took me 23 hours.  And, that’s better then 20 years, so I’d say I’m getting faster at this.

Then I went to talk to my daughter.  I told her I had been already upset about the above mentioned person when we were having our horrible discussion in the car.  I was making myself wrong already, so when she told me my complaining was annoying and that I had a choice not to be annoyed, it hit a nerve.  And, since I am trying to just be ok anyway I am, and wanted her to be ok with me being upset, I went crazy.

Haley told me she was trying to be nice and supportive and that I jumped all over her ass.  Then she couldn’t say anything because I was screaming.  She was very upset.

And that was true.  I lost my shit.  When she called me annoying it triggered my “I shouldn’t be the way I am” conversation and I went crazy.

So I apologized and told her I had been triggered and I was sorry.  She was understandably upset that I had turned on her but I hadn’t liked what she was saying.

We made up and had a good hug and the whole thing disappeared.  Just like that.  And, to think I was never going to talk to her again.  Funny, right?

So what did I learn?  To get under the anger and communicate the feelings.  Usually sadness, disappointment or hurt.  By attacking instead, they are left wondering what the fuck is wrong with me that I flew off the handle.  It’s not what they did, but what I made it mean or what it triggered in me.

So I have to keep practicing this.  It’s not easy, but I can get better and quicker at this.  And look at what Theodore Roosevelt said…….

It is impossible to win the great prizes in life without running risks.

Theodore Roosevelt – 1858-1919, 26th U.S. President

So even though communicating is a risk and why should I have to and why can’t they……….it’s worth doing it to be able to return to affinity and love.  And that takes a bit of getting off it, I’d say.  But when I did it, life felt a whole lot better.

Happy 4th of July!!!!

I promised, Joyce, our Wisdom course leader that I would let people see me “emoting,” and not run away.

Well, twice in the last two days I have run away.  And, I am in my “Fine, fuck you” mode instead of trying to do anything about it.

My daughter called me annoying today.  She just couldn’t deal with my complaining.

WTF.  I listen to her complain all the time.  So I told her she was a bitch.

And the girl last night was a bitch.

And now I don’t want to play.  Fuck them.  And, I don’t want to get off it.  I can stay mad as long as I want.  I’m tired of being the good one.  Cause it doesn’t work anyway.  My whole fucking life has been to try to keep people happy.  Try not to get yelled at.  Try not to get criticized.

And it doesn’t fucking work because first of all I don’t get what I want because I don’t ask because I’m trying not to be high maintenance.  That sucks.  And, people criticize me and get upset and mad anyway.  So what am I doing this for?  My strategy doesn’t work AND I end up suffering because I don’t get what I want.

And, staying at my mothers makes the game even harder.  Because she likes to point out what is wrong.  If you clean up the kitchen but there’s one thing out, you get called out on it.  If my clothes are drying in the laundry room they are taking up too much space.

And, I just want to cry with the frustration of it all.  So this is good.  Underneath my anger is a sad little girl who just wanted to make people happy in order to be loved.  Because she wasn’t ok the way she was.  So she had to try to be a different way.  AND, it’s not working.

So I might as well be myself.  And if people call me annoying or tell me my clothes are in the way, so the fuck what?  Let them say whatever they want.

And if my ex is always over?  So the fuck what.  That’s his problem, not mine.

And if I’m living with my mother temporarily?  Yes, it’s weird, but I can make the best of it.

And, as far as a relationship?  It’s actually pretty nice not having one to complain about.  And if I find someone nice that I want to hang out with, then that will be fine.   But in the meantime, I don’t need to suffer.  It doesn’t mean anything that I’m alone right now.  Nothing.

And, if someone wants to talk to someone and doesn’t want me to talk, good.  You handle it.  I’ll do something else.  BFD.

So am I completely off it with my daughter?  No.  I’m not.  I don’t even want to look at her.  But it’s because I’m hurt.  When everyone was mad at her, I was on her side.  I stuck up for her.  And I’m pissed that I don’t get the same respect back.  And I haven’t forgiven her yet.  And I know I’m supposed to be the grown up, but I don’t feel like it.  I want to go have a 3 year old tantrum about it.

So maybe I’ll give it up in the next few minutes and communicate.  And maybe I won’t.  Either way it’s ok.

So I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I gotta go.  I’m going to press the button even though I probably shouldn’t.  Adios.